Things seemed to level out for a brief period, but now it seems thing are reverting back to the way they were.
I say ‘levelled out’ easier to cover up is what I mean. It’s just easier not to admit what’s really going on inside your head, people don’t ever really want to hear the truth anyway.
Yesterday I could see the frustration in her eyes, she wants to have me commit or at least make a promise that there will be some form of larger commitment. I have never done well with being forced in to a corner, it only makes me more dangerous in the sense that I will do everything I can to get out of the corner, no matter the cost. Much like the days in the ring, Oh how I miss them so.
Beginning to reminisce the endless hours I spent fighting I always made sure I had control of the ring or arena. Never straying from the centre unless it was to counter strike or a part of my larger plan, I do miss fighting… I miss the honour, I miss how it is only you and him, nothing else matters in that moment. Win or lose, nothing is simpler. You either win the fight or you don’t, no areas of grey, only how it should be.
I guess I’ve always felt this way about life. You are either in control or you’re being backed in to a corner. Offered ultimatums by those who care because just like you they want so badly to win.
As selfish as it sounds it’s my life, I will do things on my terms. I will do things when I’m ready and nothing will ever change that… Perhaps that’s why I always end up alone, because I see everything as a challenge, a fight that has to be won because although we speak about ‘compromise’ that to me is simply a fancy word for losing.
A compromise always favours the victor.
To the victor go the spoils.