It would seem the summer is once again behind us and the rain has set in, but with the rain there are lots of new faces wandering the streets and they all seem to be smiling, it’s a very strange sight to see. More commonly the mask of misery is worn and nobody dares crack a smile, but toady it’s different bene though it’s raining.
I guess the rain is welcomed by some, even I enjoy how it cleanses the skin and washes away minor sins.
Looking back through the undulating moods I have written in has been quite eye opening, to see such a predictable pattern shocked me. Like a constant wave up and down the moods went and I sought out anything to validate the thoughts of my ego and compensate for the damage it had received. I started to push everybody away because it was easier for me, selfish as it was I needed time alone, even now though I am still not right in the head but at least I’ve gotten back some control.
I’ve started reading more again.
While I was still keeping my head in the pages I was only getting through perhaps one book a month instead of the usual 4, I had lost my inspiration. The funny thing is on outward expression everything would look fine, great in fact. Work was steady once again, I was learning the ropes of my new challenge and beginning to find stability again.
If there is one thing I’ve learnt recently it is that I won’t allow myself to be completely happy because of the fear of disaster that I’ve learned from not only my experiences but that of everyone else too. I’m truly starting to believe we create our own problems and all because we feel we need struggle and strife, otherwise we’re not really living.
People seem to thrive off of misery and pain. It’s like we don’t feel alive unless it’s all going wrong. Maybe this is why people cheat or cause their own destruction. Maybe we just can’t accept that being happy is accepting a life which is essentially very boring because there is no danger anymore.
Okay, maybe it’s why I cheated all those years ago. I had it all, yet I wanted more. I was happy but it wasn’t enough and I only felt alive when it was all going so terribly wrong, It’s sadistic when you really think about it. I needed to cause so much pain just so I could feel alive, but it wasn’t only me who’s eyes seemed to burn with the fires of life, it was everyone’s around me too.
Born in the flames of passion, we seek that same fire to survive, we seek that same fire to feel alive.
Or at least I do anyway.