Day after day it’s more of the same, routine has once again set in and the mind is calm, for now. The paranoia has subsided for the moment but the sorrow is still there, I can’t see it lifting anytime soon, but at least what I have been given takes the edge off.
I miss feeling like myself.
It’s a strange feeling to look the same as you always have to everyone else yet feel like a complete stranger in your own body. I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh, but I can’t hide my discontent from those close few who know something is wrong. Even if they don’t know what it exactly is, they still know something isn’t right.
Sat here without distraction I look around to see the same faces, the place that I wasn’t known has now become familiar and I am what you would call a regular. The other regulars smile and I politely smile back, though I don’t care for their idol chit chat and gossip, rumours and hearsay is their staple.
Though polite in their manor I know how they talk about each other behind their backs, it makes me wonder why people will be spiteful about their ‘friends’ and gracious to their enemies. I guess we are nice to the people we don’t really like for reasons we don’t understand, or perhaps secretly we want them to like us… perhaps we are seeking their approval.
My thoughts were broken by the sound of cars colliding.
What ever happened peaked everyones curiosity, they all rushed to the window to stare at the two drivers, shortly there gossip was rekindled and their attention was on who’s fault the accident was but not one piece of effort was made to see if any of the drivers were ok. I can only assume that they were.
Why didn’t I go and check?
Normally I would have wandered outside and seen if any help was needed, but today was different. For the first time I wanted to keep to myself and not play the role of the good Samaritan, it was easier to stay in my corner and continue to write. While selfish it was at least safe.
More time passed and a blazing row erupted outside over who was at fault, angelic screams could be heard even from where I was sat. To my amazement they all rushed out the door to help, but why?
I slowly stood and wandered to the window and it was then I understood, they were rushing to the aid of the young woman while scolding the man, but from what I could see she was the one hitting hit with her hand bag and he just stood and took the abuse. Everyone rushed to help her when in fact he was the one who could have used some friendly support, needless to say I decided to simply sit back down and let it all blow over.
Upon leaving I see the crowd gathered around the pair, my eyes meet with hers and she bellows at the top of her lungs;
“What the Fuck are you looking at!”
This stopped me in my tracks and al I could do was stare in disbelieve and let the words go over my head. Smiling back I say not one word and go about my business, it looks like my gut feeling to avoid getting involved was right.