After a long chat with someone yesterday it resulted in this message being sent to them in the hope they would understand why, I guess there’s no point in hiding any reasons anymore.
I formed this association when I was 17. Before that point I only cared about winning in comps and my progress through the ranks (to which I achieved everything I wanted).
It was the June of 2004 and time for a long overdue holiday which took me across the world to Egypt, truly a place of beauty if you look past the tourist’s eye and see it for it’s true self.
I met a girl on the very first day there with her male friend (not her boyfriend but a hopeful punter, her actual boyfriend of sorts had broken up with her before the holiday and he was the replacement as they had a spare place), being half asleep I was rude and she soon become cold towards me. After being separate int he hotel and only having contact with our traveling group on excursions we were due to set sail on a private boat, jus the 30 of us. It was 2 days before this that I decided to swallow my pride and apologise to the girl while walking towards the sphinx.
Suddenly I trip in the sand and fall flat on my face. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops, I spring up without hesitation to look her dead in the eye and say “I meant to do that.”, after a brief silence we both burst in to laughter and from that moment on we became inseparable.
Days past and we found ourselves on top deck of the ship talking all night. We had everything in common, almost the perfect match you might say. We led together and watched shooting stars scream across the sky, admired the constellations and didn’t sleep at all. Eventually we witnessed the sun breaking over the horizon in what I can only describe as the most beautiful display of light I have ever seen, it was at that very moment I fell in love with her.
She was the first person I had ever felt that way about.
The elation was indescribable, the unparalleled euphoria was intoxicating and I couldn’t have been happier. What’s more is I believe she felt the same way too, I had never seen that look on a woman face before, it was different for any other I had seen up until that point, more days passed and we grew even closer. Over the nights and days we went for breakfast, lunch, dinner you name it, we did everything together and I thought to myself “Yea, this is it… this is what it means to be in love.”. Obviously the holiday ended, but not in the way you might expect. We stayed in contact and spoke everyday, we even spent a week here and there together where one of us would travel to the others home. This was the same for over a year, then we decided to go on holiday together, just the two of us… As the day drew ever closer I was still madly in love, possibly more so than from the first moment it hit me. She arrived and out flight was due to leave the next day, we went for dinner and a catch up before we departed and it was at that point I attained the first scar on what was my heart back then, she seemed so delighted I couldn’t wait to know why but I wish I had never asked, she had started seeing someone and showed me a picture. As you can imagine Adonis himself would have been envious of this man, compared to him what did I have to offer her?
This was the start of my downfall. I became jealous and off with her before we left, call it fate but our flight got cancelled and we never went on holiday, she went home to him and I then done the worst thing possible and confessed my feelings for her in the hope of reciprocation but I was shot down without hesitation. We never spoke again after that, not only had I lost my best friend but also the person I loved the most in this world. I believed that it was because of his athletic superiority that he won her hand that day, I vowed that day never to lose anyone because of my physical stature ever again.
I was wrong though, I pushed her away by being jealous and treating her with a cold and callus attitude before we parted… that was why she picked him over me, but by then it was too late and the shattered mind held on the the thought of ‘I wasn’t good enough because he looked better than me.” and it was then I became obsessed with my appearance.
Over the forthcoming years I pushed my body to it’s absolute limits to attain to me what I considered woman wanted. I wasn’t wrong, I could have anyone I wanted but I didn’t want any of them because no matter who many I went through none of them filled the void. I became associated with how I looked and that is what I became known for.
My body became my shield, I hid behind it and it always protected me and gave me the strength I needed to carry on.
My Pride in what I had achieved became my sword and slay any who dare challenge me.
Years passed and I grew and learned much, but I still held on to what I had achieved (the abs, the lean look etc etc) because that was who I had become and I never felt anyone would want me for anything else.
I became ‘that guy’ the confident, self assured one who held everyone else up for no other reason that he felt he should. Yet none ever actually asked why I did what I did, it was all because I never wanted anyone to feel the way I had and doubt their worth because of physical appearance or ability, I wanted people to avoid what I had been through and always acted like nothing ever bother me when in reality I would go home and cry myself to sleep because I was merely pretending to be something I wasn’t and I had never regained that lost part of me.
10 years after all of this I had come to terms with everything and admitted to myself why it all went so wrong, but my friend the fates are cruel and as they would have it I met someone who looked at me in the exact same way but the feeling between us was 100 times more intense and worst of all the feelings we mutual, this was her.. the one to fill the void, to remove all my pain and make me feel whole again, the one who loved me for who I was, or so I was lead to believe.
I put don my sword and lowered my shield for this woman and completely let her in, all int he hope that I would finally be accepted but this was the moment I made the biggest mistake of my life…
The true of the matter is that she was the calamity sent from the heavens to destroy me.
The karma for treating all of those woman though the years as mere filler had arrived at my door disguised in radiant beauty with eyes more beautiful than the sun rise of that morning, my downfall had arrived.
The rest you know.
The fight was long and draining, I gave it everything I had and now I stand here before you, wings stripped away, shield broken, sword shattered and all that remains is a person drained of hope with nothing left, not even the shield and sword that protected me for so many years; it’s all gone.
That is the part of the story no one else knows.
That is why I am the way I am.