Everyday we get asked the same questions.
“Hi, how are you?”
Our answer is always along these lines.
“Not bad thanks.”
I often wonder how people would react if I was to say how I really felt…
“Hi, How are you?”
“I’m ready to give up on life. The ever degrading state of my mind is getting too hard to live with and I have just had enough of it all, not to mention the physical decline I also suffer at the hands of the bane we call life. But other than that I guess I’m not bad.”
I could picture how their jaws would drop, their eyes would widen and avoid contact with mine. I can even picture the awkward stage they would take up in preparation to run away from someone who has so desperately called out for help, simply because we fear what we don’t understand.
She is crying more and more often now, I am the cause. She claims that my influence is minimal but I know this to be a lie because I can see the frustration behind her eyes at how helpless she is to do anything to better my situation or help me. The saddest part is I’ve approached the very people I need help from and like many others before me I have been pushed to the side and given a number and become one of the many statistics, such is the way of those who are here to ‘help’ us.
Some will say all of my words are empty, but what they seem to miss is the fact that while my actions may quell my own pain, they would also cause 2 perhaps 3 people around me to fall apart and potentially journey down the same route… This would cause people close to them to fall apart too, thus is the vicious circle that the ultimate selfish act come with. A heavy cross that will remind you of the possible future if you continue down this decaying path.
As selfish as it sounds all I want it to be whole again, not wake up everyday and wish I never had or stare at the reflection in the mirror and watch as what once was breaks down day by day towards oblivion. I wish to pull myself free of this self pity I have become enveloped in and run away from it all, far enough away so that i never have to worry about it again.
All I want is for it all to go away.
The truth is though that I will always have a constant reminder of what price I paid for pushing myself the way I have and that is what makes it all too much.
It shouldn’t be there but they won’t remove it because it’s not cancerous and as such ignore anything else I request of them. They are not interested in a person, they are only interested in keeping up appearances because they don’t even offer you an alternative of any kind. At this point I have even taken things in to my own hands only to be knocked back and told there is no help for me and I will have to wait.
The mood swings go from bad to worse to unspeakable. If I was to tell people what really went on in my head it would serve me no good because they wouldn’t understand at all. There is one positive out of this situation though; I have learnt what drives other people to this point and now know the difference between the pretenders, the attention seekers, the helpless, the desperate and those who’ve already given up and accepted their choice.
I can see why people get angry now. I can see how they struggle to see what is right in front of their faces and fix the problem, but worst of all I can see the ripples the spread outward from the stone cast and how much is affected in the long run and it is by this token that I am unwillingly bound to this world because no one should have to suffer or fall in to the same mental state because of me. If I can learn to live as a shadow, learn to pretend everyday and wear a fake smile and expel a false laugh then I guess that’s the only choice I really have that won’t end in more pain.
The shadow, I shall attach it to my soul and let it slowly replace what is left and live out my part to play in this life making everyone believe that everything is alright, because, lets be honest, other than those close few no one really cares. So the next time someone asks how I am, I shall look them in the eye, smile and simply say ‘I’m brilliant.’ and they will never ever know what I really thinking.