I struggle to keep my enthusiasm in to this late hour. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be around me as the general mood I now have is literally devoid of any emotion, not because of a lack of understanding but simply because it doesn’t matter to me. The effort to even fake sympathy or empathy isn’t even made by me anymore.
People are falling apart in every direction that can be seen, yet the desire to hold them together or help rebuild them is gone… It has been for some time.
What once was is now no more.
This current mental state is slowly drowning me, only being able to snap out of it for brief periods in the day means I have to be careful with how and with who I spend my time. There is only a small limit before all interest is lots and the uncaring individual reappears once again.
I sound so pathetic, I’m even sick of hearing my own voice inside my head it’s pissing me off! Even looking at myself in the mirror disgusts me and every time I do I spiral even further downwards. If people could hear how loud I am screaming in my head they would stare at me with frightening horror, the only thing I want is for it to just stop, be silent and torment me no more, but that’s not going to happen because of the continued waiting and that is the worst part of it all. When you know how things can be sorted but are made to wait a follow the process it’s maddening, people have no idea how each day you’re slowly eaten away by your own thoughts.
Each day it grows and as such my strength diminishes.
This lesson has taught much about how people feel in these situations and opened my eyes as to why people are as bitter as they are about certain aspects of this place. Even with the understanding now gained and the realisation that other people have problems that require far greater assistance than mine, it still doesn’t make life any easier. It still infuriates me that the limited knowledge I have is greater than that of the the so called professionals, if only they would have listened from the very start time wouldn’t have been wasted and the mental recovery could have begun, but no… Instead it stays in a state of steady decline until they are ready to help me.
I am not special. I do not deserve treatment faster than anybody else, but I am not afraid to say I want MY problems sorted now because if I continue going down the road I’m on I will either give up entirely or succumb to the mental plague and paranoia.
Either way it doesn’t matter to anyone else except me, which is why I will have to wait my turn and hope that in the mean time I don’t go completely mad.