The hour has become late, I find myself staring out of the window in to what looks like nothing but I know that what I can’t see is a garden, a garden filled with vibrant colours, wildlife and memories but I cannot sleep. It makes me want to quite my ranging mind so I think about how much we fail to see that is right there in front of our eyes as I stare in to the dark, all the while my mind is still racing out of control.
I’ve woken up several times already tonight, not due to the humidity but because my mind just won’t stop. It’s spinning faster and faster, I am going through every emotion possible in the space of minutes and it’s becoming harder to keep it under the surface.
Largely I have been keeping a lot to myself but now I am finding little parts of crazy spilling over in to my reality and it’s slowly effecting everything around I touch. Like acid burning trough metal floors. Trying to explain what is happening isn’t easy, I find that I am lost for words when asked to talk, then the immediate reaction to my silence is to be told I’m pushing everyone away. While this isn’t entirely false, there is more too it.
I feel like mentally I’m falling, tumbling through a lake of white hot fire. Each rotation strips aways another layer causing more instability, with each layer that is sheared away I lose the capacity to explain because it become too confusing to form cohesive speech. I have always struggled to voice my own feelings, despite being a hypocrite who breaks people down to have them let go of their problems, I myself struggle to do the same.
In the past I have actively wanted to shoulder the burdens of others because all I want to do is help, but it also allows me to forget about the demons I already have. While the demons of others don’t cause me any sleepless nights I find there are no distractions from my own thoughts anymore. I need distractions to keep my focus, be those distractions of work, empathetically helping someone or even fighting with a loved one…
I need the distractions to stop myself overthinking, I am not unique in this requirement, plenty of people fall in to the same category because we all want to be distracted from the real problem in the hope we can ignore it and eventually look over our shoulder to find it’s gone away but life doesn’t work like that. Problems will be problems until we accept the solution.