The Smile That Spoke

She had flaming red hair
Sapphire blue eyes
And a smile that told of troubled times.

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Moods

I think the hardest thing about the whole situation is the undulating moods, immense paranoia and self loathing that takes place. There is no reason or logic to what triggers any one or all of these to hit but when they do you want nothing more than to crawl in to a dark hole and hide until you regain a sense of normality.

This experience so far has shown me a lot about how things work, who is priority and who can be pushed aside. The powers that be calm they want to help everyone equally but that’s never the case, they help the ones who don’t need it because they cause the most fuss while those in need sit by and patiently wait their turn, perhaps hoping they will forget and fade in to the shadows.

The mind bleeds sanity from every crack, like a tap that’s been left running it pours out in abundance and drown its surroundings. It’s no way to live.

How It All Started

After a long chat with someone yesterday it resulted in this message being sent to them in the hope they would understand why, I guess there’s no point in hiding any reasons anymore.

I formed this association when I was 17. Before that point I only cared about winning in comps and my progress through the ranks (to which I achieved everything I wanted).

It was the June of 2004 and time for a long overdue holiday which took me across the world to Egypt, truly a place of beauty if you look past the tourist’s eye and see it for it’s true self.

I met a girl on the very first day there with her male friend (not her boyfriend but a hopeful punter, her actual boyfriend of sorts had broken up with her before the holiday and he was the replacement as they had a spare place), being half asleep I was rude and she soon become cold towards me. After being separate int he hotel and only having contact with our traveling group on excursions we were due to set sail on a private boat, jus the 30 of us. It was 2 days before this that I decided to swallow my pride and apologise to the girl while walking towards the sphinx.

Suddenly I trip in the sand and fall flat on my face. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops, I spring up without hesitation to look her dead in the eye and say “I meant to do that.”, after a brief silence we both burst in to laughter and from that moment on we became inseparable.

Days past and we found ourselves on top deck of the ship talking all night. We had everything in common, almost the perfect match you might say. We led together and watched shooting stars scream across the sky, admired the constellations and didn’t sleep at all. Eventually we witnessed the sun breaking over the horizon in what I can only describe as the most beautiful display of light I have ever seen, it was at that very moment I fell in love with her.

She was the first person I had ever felt that way about.

The elation was indescribable, the unparalleled euphoria was intoxicating and I couldn’t have been happier. What’s more is I believe she felt the same way too, I had never seen that look on a woman face before, it was different for any other I had seen up until that point, more days passed and we grew even closer.

Over the nights and days we went for breakfast, lunch, dinner you name it, we did everything together and I thought to myself “Yea, this is it… this is what it means to be in love.”.

Obviously the holiday ended, but not in the way you might expect. We stayed in contact and spoke everyday, we even spent a week here and there together where one of us would travel to the others home. This was the same for over a year, then we decided to go on holiday together, just the two of us…

As the day drew ever closer I was still madly in love, possibly more so than from the first moment it hit me. She arrived and out flight was due to leave the next day, we went for dinner and a catch up before we departed and it was at that point I attained the first scar on what was my heart back then, she seemed so delighted I couldn’t wait to know why but I wish I had never asked, she had started seeing someone and showed me a picture. As you can imagine Adonis himself would have been envious of this man, compared to him what did I have to offer her?

This was the start of my downfall. I became jealous and off with her before we left, call it fate but our flight got cancelled and we never went on holiday, she went home to him and I then done the worst thing possible and confessed my feelings for her in the hope of reciprocation but I was shot down without hesitation. We never spoke again after that, not only had I lost my best friend but also the person I loved the most in this world. I believed that it was because of his athletic superiority that he won her hand that day, I vowed that day never to lose anyone because of my physical stature ever again.

I was wrong though, I pushed her away by being jealous and treating her with a cold and callus attitude before we parted… that was why she picked him over me, but by then it was too late and the shattered mind held on the the thought of ‘I wasn’t good enough because he looked better than me.” and it was then I became obsessed with my appearance.

Over the forthcoming years I pushed my body to it’s absolute limits to attain to me what I considered woman wanted. I wasn’t wrong, I could have anyone I wanted but I didn’t want any of them because no matter who many I went through none of them filled the void. I became associated with how I looked and that is what I became known for.

My body became my shield, I hid behind it and it always protected me and gave me the strength I needed to carry on.

My Pride in what I had achieved became my sword and slay any who dare challenge me.

Years passed and I grew and learned much, but I still held on to what I had achieved (the abs, the lean look etc etc) because that was who I had become and I never felt anyone would want me for anything else.

I became ‘that guy’ the confident, self assured one who held everyone else up for no other reason that he felt he should. Yet none ever actually asked why I did what I did, it was all because I never wanted anyone to feel the way I had and doubt their worth because of physical appearance or ability, I wanted people to avoid what I had been through and always acted like nothing ever bother me when in reality I would go home and cry myself to sleep because I was merely pretending to be something I wasn’t and I had never regained that lost part of me.

Sad huh…

10 years after all of this I had come to terms with everything and admitted to myself why it all went so wrong, but my friend the fates are cruel and as they would have it I met someone who looked at me in the exact same way but the feeling between us was 100 times more intense and worst of all the feelings we mutual, this was her.. the one to fill the void, to remove all my pain and make me feel whole again, the one who loved me for who I was, or so I was lead to believe.

I put don my sword and lowered my shield for this woman and completely let her in, all int he hope that I would finally be accepted but this was the moment I made the biggest mistake of my life…

The true of the matter is that she was the calamity sent from the heavens to destroy me.

The karma for treating all of those woman though the years as mere filler had arrived at my door disguised in radiant beauty with eyes more beautiful than the sun rise of that morning, my downfall had arrived.

The rest you know.

The fight was long and draining, I gave it everything I had and now I stand here before you, wings stripped away, shield broken, sword shattered and all that remains is a person drained of hope with nothing left, not even the shield and sword that protected me for so many years; it’s all gone.

That is the part of the story no one else knows.

That is why I am the way I am.

What I Really think

Everyday we get asked the same questions.

“Hi, how are you?”

Our answer is always along these lines.

“Not bad thanks.”

I often wonder how people would react if I was to say how I really felt…

“Hi, How are you?”

“I’m ready to give up on life. The ever degrading state of my mind is getting too hard to live with and I have just had enough of it all, not to mention the physical decline I also suffer at the hands of the bane we call life. But other than that I guess I’m not bad.”

I could picture how their jaws would drop, their eyes would widen and avoid contact with mine. I can even picture the awkward stage they would take up in preparation to run away from someone who has so desperately called out for help, simply because we fear what we don’t understand.

She is crying more and more often now, I am the cause. She claims that my influence is minimal but I know this to be a lie because I can see the frustration behind her eyes at how helpless she is to do anything to better my situation or help me. The saddest part is I’ve approached the very people I need help from and like many others before me I have been pushed to the side and given a number and become one of the many statistics, such is the way of those who are here to ‘help’ us.

Some will say all of my words are empty, but what they seem to miss is the fact that while my actions may quell my own pain, they would also cause 2 perhaps 3 people around me to fall apart and potentially journey down the same route… This would cause people close to them to fall apart too, thus is the vicious circle that the ultimate selfish act come with. A heavy cross that will remind you of the possible future if you continue down this decaying path.

As selfish as it sounds all I want it to be whole again, not wake up everyday and wish I never had or stare at the reflection in the mirror and watch as what once was breaks down day by day towards oblivion. I wish to pull myself free of this self pity I have become enveloped in and run away from it all, far enough away so that i never have to worry about it again.

All I want is for it all to go away.

The truth is though that I will always have a constant reminder of what price I paid for pushing myself the way I have and that is what makes it all too much.

It shouldn’t be there but they won’t remove it because it’s not cancerous and as such ignore anything else I request of them. They are not interested in a person, they are only interested in keeping up appearances because they don’t even offer you an alternative of any kind. At this point I have even taken things in to my own hands only to be knocked back and told there is no help for me and I will have to wait.

The mood swings go from bad to worse to unspeakable. If I was to tell people what really went on in my head it would serve me no good because they wouldn’t understand at all. There is one positive out of this situation though; I have learnt what drives other people to this point and now know the difference between the pretenders, the attention seekers, the helpless, the desperate and those who’ve already given up and accepted their choice.

I can see why people get angry now. I can see how they struggle to see what is right in front of their faces and fix the problem, but worst of all I can see the ripples the spread outward from the stone cast and how much is affected in the long run and it is by this token that I am unwillingly bound to this world because no one should have to suffer or fall in to the same mental state because of me. If I can learn to live as a shadow, learn to pretend everyday and wear a fake smile and expel a false laugh then I guess that’s the only choice I really have that won’t end in more pain.

The shadow, I shall attach it to my soul and let it slowly replace what is left and live out my part to play in this life making everyone believe that everything is alright, because, lets be honest, other than those close few no one really cares. So the next time someone asks how I am, I shall look them in the eye, smile and simply say ‘I’m brilliant.’ and they will never ever know what I really thinking.

Moments 

It was at that moment… 
That was the moment I finally started to give up.
Being sat in a restaurant full of people is a real reminder to keep the tears held back, to stay strong for just a little longer and wait until I’m away from anyone before I fall apart.
These are good people, good people who don’t deserve to fall victim and become collateral damage in my self destructive wake.
Everyday I stare at the person I see in reflections and I don’t recognise him. His body degrades, his hair growths thin, he is slowly giving up and accepting that which is pushed on him.
That’s not me… Or at least it never used to be.