Spiral & Tear Off

Have you ever just held something precious, innocent and full of meaning in your hand but wanted to left it fall to the floor and shatter?

Perhaps it’s just me, but I have thought along these lines on more than one occasion. It always crosses my mind how easy it would be just to let if slip through my grasp and watch as it falls slowly downward towards the floor, no feeling of guilt for the the choice made, but rather a false curiosity of what will happen, even knowing there can only really be one real outcome.

I picture how the descent would look, how the precious would tumble end over end spiralling out of control, watching piece of it tear off and break away in free fall, how each second would feel as if it’s being dragged out by the gods of time so that it felt as if eternity was passing as I watched it fall.

Shortly after the precious item connects to the floor I can see the ripples of impact, waving out across the small area of it’s landing, all before recoiling back in on themselves. There is no sound, just the beginnings of an implosion as something so precious starts to collapse from the inside out after the devastating fall. Then, a soft chink is heard followed by a thunderous crack, suddenly and in what feels like less than a second it smashes across the floor, irreparable damage is caused and it can never become whole again.

Looking down at what was once so precious, I begin to feel sad, even though I was the cause of it’s destruction. Remorse sets in and I start to think ‘why did I do that?’ but it’s already too late, the deed is done, the choice is made and nothing can reverse it.

I find life to be a lot like this. How many times has we held something precious in the palm of our hand and simply let it slip and fall to the ground; allowing it smash and scatter in to a thousand pieces. Then only after our illogical curiosity has been satisfied do we realise there was no other possible outcome, after all, how could there have been anything other than that outcome.

Many will believe that who we are is defined by the choices we make, yet they all seem to forget we know exactly what the result of our choices will be and that at that moment in time we simply just didn’t care enough to avoid the inevitable outcome of that choice, or perhaps we cared more about something else and were prepared to suffer the consequence. Either way, the guilt is still there for letting something so rare fall as if were nothing more than mere scraps.

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Frosted Heavens

As it rains over the frosted heaven, I can see clearly. That which blocked my vision has disbursed and all is revealed, there is no place left for this fear to hide and the only option left is to confront it head on, as always.

I would be lying if I was to say I had no worries of what they will find, but there are plenty of people in this sinister world of ours who have troubles far worse than mine, it’s time to stop worrying, or at least try too.

Having insight in to problems such as these gives a larger view of the world. It helps you see people with familiar vacant stares and potential reasons as to their anguish, though there is never any guarantee they share the same woes. Gut feeling often tells me all I need to know, to learn to trust gut feeling is a skill few will ever willingly accept because gut feeling is never wrong. A bold statement, but if you trust your gut feeling you will know the truth in those words.

Being able to stand here are just stare in the space is a rarity in our modern world. The concrete jungles that overrun the surface are ever growing and these places of calm are few and far between, but the do still exist in small pockets of the world. They are removed from life as it were, frozen in time, devoid of what is reality but that’s not always a bad thing, especially in a world that never sleeps.

It’s such a clear night, there is no wind, no sounds, nothing.

I do enjoy this tranquility, it is at times like these that you realise nothing really matters because in this moment only my thoughts occupy where I stand. I almost look forward to this time every night because it is the only time I am every truly able to have peace.

The hour is 2AM, I would invite you to share it with me but this is my time.

It’s Raining Again:

Reality will choose to rain on those who deserve the sun, but that rain is a gift because it will hide the tears that we don’t want anyone to see. This is what allows those fabled few to hide in plain sight, free of prying eyes and the uneducated who deem to know all.

I often wonder how people perceive what is written each day. Do they see it as a door to the soul or perhaps just simple creative writing written with small hints of truth, either way it doesn’t really matter because writing should mean something to the person who writes and if others connect then let the good times flow, but if they don’t then it’s ok because it doesn’t really matter, after all, we’re not all world class authors, some of us are just regular people who enjoy writing.

Shadow At The Window 

A shadow at the window

A face that can’t be seen

A pair of emerald eyes

What is this fiend?
The shadow moves closer

The heart begins to race

The fear grips me

I can see it’s face…
It’s nothing but a dream

It’s nothing to fear

It’s nothing that is seems 

The shadow was a dream.

Babies having Babies

My loathing for certain aspect of this world grows each day. When did I become so bitter towards it all?

I can only imagine how depressed people must become reading my blog. Looking back I can see it is filled with more anger, sorrow and hate than anything else. Maybe this is just the true essence of who I am, a nihilist.

The rampant thoughts of today were triggered by a young girl I knew from long ago, she is now almost ready to burst, cheeks rosy and eyes that sparkle like stars on the calm river. She clutches her belly gently, the sweet look of hope and happiness as she anticipates how great life will be once she is no longer alone.

Our conversation was pleasant, at least until she began to mention how she had found a ‘private’ house to rent, upon more delving it was as my initial thoughts has surmised, she was one of the many impending single parents who will now never need to work a day in her life again because she will be supported by the state. It seems the ticket to anything you want is a baby.

It sickens me.

I wish I could see these miracles of life as just that, but I can’t. All I can see is a foolish child who thinks life will be so much better because she has a baby when in reality her life is now over. Nobody seems to realise that a child isn’t a fashion accessory, a child ins’t a toy, a child isn’t a meal ticket it’s your flesh and blood, your greatest creation and you must sacrifice your life so that they can have theirs. No matter how old your child becomes you will need to accept that when their life begins to crumble around them YOU will be the one to make it all better.

A child is for life, not just for christmas.

I know several parents in this situation, they gave up everything because they ‘really wanted children’ yet they are all alone, claiming every benefit under the sun and living among the the dregs of society. I pity them.

Why have a child that you can’t support with help?
Why give up your life before you’ve even lived?
Why be so selfish?

My desire for children is a fleeting apparition at best, I know that I am not ready because I couldn’t support a family. Looking after yourself is one thing, a family however… That’s a whole new story.

It’s All About Time

It’s all in the timing.

The situations we are confronted with in life, who we turn to, who we see as the hero or the villain, is all largely dependent on the timing. This is an inconvenient truth that people will deny because it doesn’t suit them to believe it, even though it’s true.

I have been in various situations with skewed vision, but when you sit and look back it becomes very clear what was really going on.

One of those ‘kinda friends’ is in a situation where she is scared of being alone. Reading her messages I can see confusion, a lost little girls searching for the yellow brick road that’s buried under the muddy leaves. She will not admit it, she defends her views ferociously, it’s something she isn’t ready to accept yet but in time she will see that she doesn’t miss the person, she missing the feeling.

Feelings can be recreated, all it takes is the right conditions at the right time and the person who you thought was your one true love becomes nothing but a distant memory.

One thing I’ve learnt is that life is one giant experiment, like a science project in a lab all it takes is an accident to create a miracle or a disaster. Too many people try to force the conditions, but life just doesn’t work that way.

Life will either fall in to place or fall apart, you don’t get the choice of which. You’re merely swept along, caught in the current. The river might be straight and uneventful, or it might be filled rocks, jagged edges and danger at every turn, just sit back and see what comes your way and deal with it when it happens.

The young and naive views of the inexperienced is like looking in a mirror.

When I was 18 I knew far more than I do now. At 18 I had it all figured out, the world, life, relationships, simply everything and then I ‘fell in love’ well, for the first time anyway and it all changed. I built a business, I worked several jobs, I grew up and the cruel irony of it all is the more I learnt the more I didn’t know, nor would I ever know.

We were all young once, but we didn’t understand what it meant.
Do I sound condescending?

Probably. I’m sure there are people far younger than me who know far more and have had far more life experience, but does it matter?

No.

All that matters in the end is you realised your own ignorance, your own mortality and you don’t know what you think you know and you never will.

In the end, it’s all about time.