She asked me;
“Where have you gone? Where are you?”
The look of distant sorrow in her eyes as I hold her close.
The sad truth though, was I didn’t know myself. Life is a chain of days, one after another until eventually there are no more to come and only the memories of what was your life.
It was at that moment I realised I didn’t know where I was going, when my journey would end or what I even wanted from the days I had remaining…
To say we lose ourselves is something that can only be understood by those already lost, because no matter what you say it’s not really true; it’s merely the words that will keep those who ask satisfied.
In subtle anguish she softly says;
“You feel so far away.”
Speaking those words so quietly I strain to hear them, as if making them real would set them in stone.
Being next to someone yet at the same time you can still be a million miles apart, yet it can be explained because the words needed escape the conscious mind, perhaps one day I will learn the means necessary to articulate that which I feel deep in my heart.
One day, I will know what words to say.
Even now, here, as you read what I have written I still hold back that which lay buried deep because no good would come of it. This sanctuary of words I’ve created to bear my all is no longer safe…
By my own choice in times long gone I reached out to show people what was within, sadly I fear that piece of my inner self that was offered has been abused, tarnished and thrown to the wolves, for now I know not who reads these words I write;
I just do not know.
Bathed alone in silence, even the wind has nothing to say, no comfort to offer, nothing.
The view before me is the same as it always was, it’s the same as it will always be. I guess the same is true of what people see when the lay their eyes upon me. They see what I want them to see, the great pretender, a true master of deception that keeps everything that matters out of the view of prying eyes.
Burned by the past and now forever on guard.