Self Deprivation

In recent times I have had more than one person ask me why I don’t think very highly of myself, and what my reasons for my own perceived self image are. I can see how some will think it is for attention, validation or reassurance, but its not, it is just how I see myself.

I am rife with confusion about a great many things. My clarity of thought surrounding all aspects of the unseen would lead many to think I am never unsure, but, just like everyone else I too falter.

Over the years I have done many good deeds, but equally as many that are considered bad, and even some that boarder on the line of unspeakable. As a result my reflection that stares back at me is not unlike the painting of Dorian Gray; rotted, decaying, a hidden face of the true self that can be kept from the masses.

I attract good people, kind people and they always end up leaving me filled with sadness and pain, both of which I have caused. It’s as if I hold a beautiful white flower in the palm of my hand, and watch as it slowly descends in to nothing more than ash.

A friend who has grown close told me I should not feel guilty for seeking what I want…. It’s easy to ignore the collateral damage in the wake of seeking that which we so desire, but each night before we sleep all those faces will circle in our minds, once again being brought before us but this time we bear their silent judgement. Their eyes pierce through and leave us exposed, vulnerable, wanting forgiveness that will never come because some things can’t be forgiven.

Will the thoughts that haunt us leave? Will they vanish in the the mists? Will it ever really end?