Looking back through my writing I can see how much has happened, I can see how much I have ‘Changed’ or so one would think.
The way I write has changed. The words I use, the grammar, the punctuation, the style.
I began writing from memory, and placed all of my feelings in to this blog. Over time it became a present and on going story of my life. I have given the address to those few I trust, but of those who read it none really understand. Perhaps that’s because I still don’t fully know who I am…
I go through life doing what I do, it repeats day after day. Nothing changes. I only grow more and more despondent, and my tolerance for the idiots of the world diminishes.
Someone said to me I should not punish myself as I do, and that I had suffered enough. As comforting as her words were, I didn’t believe them. I deserve to suffer this pain until I feel it is right to let it go. Why? Because I still feel the fault is mine. Pity or reassurance contrary to this belief is not what I am after, I simply want to struggle through until I am ready to let it all go.
Admittedly, it become more infrequent each day. As I make new connections and take my life forwards I feel the hurt lessen, and I know eventually I will feel enough is enough and eventually let it all go.
Memories are all we have, even the painful ones, and we hold on to them because that’s all we have let. I still have one memory that haunts me, I know not when it will fade away, but I pray for it soon. To hear such words screamed at you causes a hurt unlike any other, and I know in the empty space that resides what will shatter that memory.
Lucky for me I still believe.