Self Deprivation

In recent times I have had more than one person ask me why I don’t think very highly of myself, and what my reasons for my own perceived self image are. I can see how some will think it is for attention, validation or reassurance, but its not, it is just how I see myself.

I am rife with confusion about a great many things. My clarity of thought surrounding all aspects of the unseen would lead many to think I am never unsure, but, just like everyone else I too falter.

Over the years I have done many good deeds, but equally as many that are considered bad, and even some that boarder on the line of unspeakable. As a result my reflection that stares back at me is not unlike the painting of Dorian Gray; rotted, decaying, a hidden face of the true self that can be kept from the masses.

I attract good people, kind people and they always end up leaving me filled with sadness and pain, both of which I have caused. It’s as if I hold a beautiful white flower in the palm of my hand, and watch as it slowly descends in to nothing more than ash.

A friend who has grown close told me I should not feel guilty for seeking what I want…. It’s easy to ignore the collateral damage in the wake of seeking that which we so desire, but each night before we sleep all those faces will circle in our minds, once again being brought before us but this time we bear their silent judgement. Their eyes pierce through and leave us exposed, vulnerable, wanting forgiveness that will never come because some things can’t be forgiven.

Will the thoughts that haunt us leave? Will they vanish in the the mists? Will it ever really end?

Those Eyes

For a long time now I have found a persons eyes to be the most fascinating aspect to observe, simply because you can’t hide anything from those who are really looking.

The eyes can show you every emotion that person has been through, and every emotion they hope to experience.

Do not be fooled though… A person who only wants to look for that which they seek will see a reflection of themselves, they will never see past what has been or what might be, they will never quite grasp what it means to truly look at someone.

In the eyes of the many I see such similarities, stories that are so close together the only difference is the characters, but, every once in a while I see something that fascinates me; and this only leads me to want more.

It’s that outward expression of hope with the internal insecurity, the fear that resides in the unseen that results in the denial that causes me wander what else is behind those eyes. This is a look only known to few, but it’s the one worth looking for because these people are something special.

When you see a pair of eyes do you just see eyes, or like me do you see a person?

Perfectly flawed, imperfectly exceptional, constantly inconsistent and more importantly… Connected.

They Know

Often we are left alone with our thoughts and feelings, as they ricochet of the walls inside our heads. We play out scenarios again and a again, always coming back to two: the one we want, and the one we believe.

I know what it is like to feel that no one understands, but what I now know is frightening, terrifying and yet the best thing anyone can hope for. Those closest to us know what we are thinking, even if we don’t know ourselves.

True, they can’t be certain they know, but for the most part we ourselves know that they know. This is why the most common answer is often “I don’t know.” but, we do know, we know they know, and they know that we know that they know. It’s funny really.

It’s hard to accept that people know us so well.

A Piano

The sound of a piano is graceful and sublime,
I lose myself in a dream of timeless time,
Listening to their sound is nothing short of Devine,
This sound helps calm these tattered feelings of mine.

Hopeless Hippocrates

Wandering minds can be a dangerous thing. Thinking too much about something too little.

In the end we just confuse ourselves, and create questions for problems that aren’t there. Right?

The problem is in the knowing of oneself, and how we work internally. To know your needs are not met in the slightest way leaves you wanting for more.

Those with this affliction will begin to distance themselves, it happens a little more each day, and once their pattern is realised it’s too late because the distance has become too great to bridge.

They expect people to know their thoughts, feelings and troubles, but they conceal their misery so well no one has the faintest idea. Are they expecting too much? Is it not easy to ask for help or a friendly ear?

We are the cause of our own collapse. The most ironic part of this true is we allow it to happen, because when we get the help we seek we deny our need for it. We push those people wanting to help away, and all because we claim they should have known sooner.

We are truly Hippocrates.

A World of Cardboard

I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard. I have to take constant care not to breaking something, to break someone.

No matter how hard I fight the path before me, I can’t change a thing.

It’s a helpless situation of my own creation, and the fates are cruel. I now understand why is it we make the same mistakes again and again, it’s because we want to believe our own lies. We want to believe we can do the right thing and achieve the best outcome in every aspect of our lives.

This is an illusion.

I have written before that there will always be winners and losers, but no matter how true this statement is, I never wanted to believe it.

Tears of Rage

These tears that stream down my face,
They hide a calm and tranquil rage,
The frustration I feel knows no bounds,
I cry and await the beaconing hounds.

My hands now tied, theres nothing I can do,
The avalanche approaches at lightning speed,
There is no way out nor place to hide,
I cry and await the unchangeable tides.

Constant thoughts circle my head,
Drawing me in to an endless end,
Standing to face a self created hell,
I cry and await in this hopeless shell.

Falling Cards

My head is filled with thoughts and endless possibilities. People actions have caused the wheels to be set in motion, and now there is nothing I can do to stop the cards from falling.

By a persons own admittance and substantial evidence to their actions, the course of least resistance I hoped for is now unattainable. As a result of this a gentleman’s agreement can’t be upheld, nothing can be done.

My hands feel tied.

I shall prepare for the onslaught of what will come. It’s sad, because what I thought was over has only just begun, and now, once again, I have to leave the outcome to the wills of others.

Two People

I was told I will have two major relationships in my life. I am somewhat of a sceptic, but if this is true I don’t think they are relationships in the common sense.

I believe that they have already happened. I believe those special people are already in my life. They are the two people I hold closest to my heart, and they are the ones who keep me in balance.

Each time I speak to one of them I can feel any and all ill feelings disappear because they don’t seek to change me. They only seek to understand. As a result they know my choices and their true motives.

I can’t hide from these two people, nor do I want too. They can see beyond the external and have become more than friends. The bonds we have can’t be explained by words, it is a bond known only to those who understand.

They belong to me.