It’s funny how one moment you can be flying on the clouds of euphoria, soaring higher than ever before, free from it all.
And then, just like that, your mood can be brought crashing down.
A simple accident that came from a phone being passed over to me so that I could see something on social media. A message appeared on screen, fate it seems enjoys cruel jokes.
As I look across I can see her face drop for the realisation of what I had seen.
My mood was unaffected, I was subtly pleased. The conversation that follow was less than pleasant. I ask general questions as one does, what I then was told caused only to disappoint me.
Around and around in circles our discussion went, returning to the same point – ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ It is always those we consider closest that make a choice based on good intentions that cause the most damage.
I value honesty.
She repeated her pleas of an I waving loyalty, yet she could not see that by unconscious choice a side was picked.
Why do I say this? Because a secret was kept. A secret that might seem inconsequential to many, to me though, the little things mean everything.
Why do I find continual disappointment in those I care for?
I have no idea what caused me to buy that book.
A random impulse, it happened without my even knowing it. I just grabbed it along with two others and paid.
After a small joke with the cashier about how my problem isn’t attracting woman, it’s keeping them away hysterics followed.
I opened the book and began to read, again I didn’t know why. Suddenly, I read one line and everything became clear, all the thoughts I had written over the last year made sense, all the references, everything.
I was obsessed.
I was not obsessed for the reasons I thought either, it was because I had given up on myself and couldn’t understand how I could show so much love for someone only to be destroyed, and then, reading that one line the weight sitting on me just vanished.
I realised something I already new. I had kept saying I would be ok in the end, and as it turns out, I am.
It’s amazing one thing can set your mind free from the chains that bind it.
What was it that I read?
-Realise that there are plenty of people out there for you- some of whom are capable of recognising your worth, and, reciprocating your feelings.-
It’s all a matter of time. Pain fades, and when it does, I will be honest with you; it feel pretty good.
“Thank you for everything, you are now all you will ever be, a memory.”