A Realm of Self Pity

Why am I so weak.

Have I reached my limit? No, that’s not it. I am still going.

My self pity makes me ashamed to look in the mirror, I look at myself and see a selfish child who never learnt to let go, a selfish child who never learnt to accept you can never come out on top all of the time; there are always winners and losers.

I am not a exceptional entity, I am a mortal and so I bleed, I hurt, my resolve wavers under temptation, my strength fades from constant battle and my pride means nothing.

I have lost my self respect.

No matter the amount of books I read, no matter how much I learn, I still can’t answer that one question in my head. Why was I not good enough?

I am sure many of the woman I have been with haste asked this of themselves after I have played my games and realised they were not enough for me, they were not on my level. Ahh, as I write that it angers me, I am not above anyone, nor am I below another.

The confusion and contradiction in my head would break many, yet others suffer far worse. My life is good, I have no question of that so why am I not happy? why do I want more, always more.

I am no different from those I criticise, except perhaps for a profound awareness of my own deluded grandeur. I am scum with a conscience.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “A Realm of Self Pity

    • We become who we are meant to be. Many hide behind a mask of who they wish they were, perhaps is we wear the mask long enough we can become that person.

      Maybe, in the end choice is what we use to justify our life; be it good or bad. We cannot change who we are, only change how we react and how much control we exhibit.

      I like your view though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s