Ensnared

I seem to be ensnared in an endless circle, it grows tiresome. I can feel everything starting to weigh down not only on me but on her as well, this is not how things were meant to be, I crave not someone to try and jump through hoops, nor do I want someone who will just submit; I want someone I can trust: therein lies the issue.

Mistakes are meant to be made because we are only human, it is how we grow. It is my own personal insecurity that is now holding me back, if the situation I am in was reversed I would not expect things to ever be the same; a shadow of doubt would be cast in my own mind, always wondering if I was under suspicion for my past actions and I feel this is what will be running through her head too. At this moment in time I can honestly say I have no faith in the promises made because i cannot bring my self to let my guard back down and offer my trust, this is an undeniable flaw I have which has only been strengthened by years of my own mistakes. I don’t fear taking a risk if I feel the potential pain is worth it, sadly I am in a place of confusion now.

There is sincerity in her eyes, she wants to make amends and to give it her all; that much is clear. The problem is I am holding back and the more I do the more detached from the situation I grow, I can feel her sadness growing more and more each day.

I have written before that trust is like a butterflies wings, once damaged they are never the same; they may still be carried by the winds and not without use, yet their former grace will always be lost.

This pattern of thought is something that must be removed from my mind quickly, for if it is not i will never get past the point of forgiving mistakes of a similar ilk. If only the mistake wasn’t so close to a principle I hold in high regards I know this would have been forgotten long ago, still, the thought of it happening again is all to present in my minds eye; the scars of the past run deeper than I ever thought possible.

 

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