We all like to think of ourselves as learned people, the truth is we are all stupid when it comes to Love.
Love is the single most destructive emotion we possess. Love can take us to the highest heights of euphoria and on the turn of the winds it can throw you in to a despair unlike any other.
There will be those people we love and then there will be the person we Love; or so we thought. No love is equal, it is always one sided, no two people love each other equally. We can only hope that we find someone we love enough that they see no one else will ever feel the same way about them.
Love is the fear of loneliness, it is desperation and it is nothing short of torture but when all is said and done, nothing makes you feel like you have a purpose in life quite like Love.
Love my friends is a beautiful curse.
Time after time I hear excuses, my excuses. My lies to myself to justify what i know is a falsehood, I am intellectually stupid and self deprecating.
Previously I have written and talked about so much that is in it’s simplest form honest truths, I have a way of influencing others and remarkably ignoring my own advice. So foolish. Knowing how people see you, how they think of you and what they say is enlightening and it makes me wonder.
To those who love me, If I was to become a snake and begin devouring other humans, cutting down those in my way or those who seek to cause harm the the ones I care about, would you still love me in the same way?
If I was to speak that which resides in my mind and unleash the horrid truths on people that they never want to admit, would you think differently of me?
Was I to let go of all self control and let every emotion, every dream, every fear and thought roam free, would you still accept me?
Why am I so weak.
Have I reached my limit? No, that’s not it. I am still going.
My self pity makes me ashamed to look in the mirror, I look at myself and see a selfish child who never learnt to let go, a selfish child who never learnt to accept you can never come out on top all of the time; there are always winners and losers.
I am not a exceptional entity, I am a mortal and so I bleed, I hurt, my resolve wavers under temptation, my strength fades from constant battle and my pride means nothing.
I have lost my self respect.
No matter the amount of books I read, no matter how much I learn, I still can’t answer that one question in my head. Why was I not good enough?
I am sure many of the woman I have been with haste asked this of themselves after I have played my games and realised they were not enough for me, they were not on my level. Ahh, as I write that it angers me, I am not above anyone, nor am I below another.
The confusion and contradiction in my head would break many, yet others suffer far worse. My life is good, I have no question of that so why am I not happy? why do I want more, always more.
I am no different from those I criticise, except perhaps for a profound awareness of my own deluded grandeur. I am scum with a conscience.
All I want to do is cry, for I cannot say what I really feel; I cannot express the pain the still resides because it would only cause unnecessary pain for her. She wouldn’t be able to see past it.
She is the one person I am meant to be able to tell everything too, the beautiful irony is now I can’t because we are together.
Sitting in this coffee house I ask myself “Am I really over it all?” the feelings of love I one had are gone, there is no question of that; so why do I still hurt… I try as hard as I can to let go and in brief periods it becomes possible, these moments are relieving despite only being brief.
If I was to sit and open my heart, to lay bare all my feelings it would shatter her. Now I am stuck in a self repeating contradiction, an eternal paradox that has only one end, an end that I do not want. To let go of my pain I have to cause more to another, more than I already have through my selfish actions, I disgust myself.
Reading back I see the excuses I make, what a coward.
I want to escape. I want to leave and never come back. I want to end this.
It’s funny how those closest to us can hurt us the most with only the simplest of words uttered because of fatigue. It’s funny really because it shows you want people really think of you, even if they are the ones you consider close.
I doubt she realised the impact her words had, the sad part is I know they were meant the way they were said because they were said with an ever escalating tone. All my life I have seemed to understand people and all I have ever asked is for them to be open with me. I may say I am a closed person, the truth is that that couldn’t be father from the truth.
I am an open book for people to read, they just can’t understand the language written. They see my acts as somewhat childish at times, while others seem cold and callus. What people fail to understand is those simple childish acts are those of affection and come from letting my guard down, these same acts are the ones that are often rebuffed because the don’t understand. My callus nature is my form of concern, after learning from various mistakes from myself and others I fear seeing those I care about fall into the same traps.
My sincerity is rare. I struggle to be fully committed with a complement because when I say such things I truly mean them. Why have double standards with hidden meanings? Say things as they are. This is the way I have always lived, risk it all or don’t take the risk at all.
I am surrounded by more people who love me than ever perviously, but I feel more isolated and more alone than I ever have before.
Looking out of the window I see people of all different ages going about their lives, they all have one thing in common; not one of them is smiling.
Is all I can see negativity?
Is that all I am looking for?
Did I spend so much time in a dark place that I too had become tarnished with an ill fated view of the world…
The past tried to drag me back, Foolishly I indulged. I sought revenge no matter the cost, I achieved this and it felt good, I have no regrets for my decision because it allowed me to sever the last time and as a result I no longer have to witness her in my presence.
And yet, I am still tormented by the past in the form of him.
I have never had such a divine hatred for one person, everything about him makes me angry, it pushes me to a point of contemplating an act so heinous it frightens me. It drives me crazy because it is not he who deserves such thoughts, he is not worth my time or energy and still all my hate is directed towards him, when it should be directed at her; only at her.
I struggle to break this cycle of mental torment.
Beneath my composure there is a storm of unparalleled rage and malice, even though it is not present in my domineer I can see it affecting my life. I can only begin to think how it makes her feel, knowing everything she knows.
Why do I once again find myself feeling crushed by emotion, this is becoming tiresome. It is not just one emotion it is a multitude of them, sorrow, anger, hate, all of the negative emotions; maybe its because I’ve been surrounded by people all week and had no time to think, or is it for another reason.
My incessant fluctuations are beginning to wear me down, It feels like I’m standing at the back of a room screaming at the top of my voice and no one can her me. I fell stupid because my mental state is inconsequential compared to the vast amount of problems in the world, I’m being pathetic.
What frustrates me most is the fact that I don’t understand this constant maelstrom of feelings.
I sit and worry about those closest to me, My Brother, My Sister, My Mother. They each hold problems in their hearts and that ever increasing look of depression behind their eyes, and there is nothing I can do to help except listen. All I can offer is a brief respite for them, a short moment of release so that they can not worry, then, there is the one who tries to understand but can’t and as a result becomes closed and distant. I can feel the seams coming apart, it feels like it’s only a matter of time before they separate completely.
All of us want to feel needed, because if there is no use for a person what is the point of that person?