Looking Inwards

Why is it the ones we love become the ones who make us cry?

Life has become a flurry of emotions, histories have become self repeating, have I caused all of this? Am I the source of the calamities…

Helping people has been one of my core values, or so I thought, maybe I only help people to really help myself? Am I helping or interfering, the line between these two is so close it’s almost indistinguishable. Mistakes need to be made so we can learn, what place is it of mine to stop people feeling the pains they invite unto themselves; after all, pain demands to be felt.

In an effort to save people I have forgotten what it means to them… I have forgotten that all of my knowledge has come from experience, all of my strength has come from pain, all of my confidence from insecurity and beneath my calm – deep within a storm waits for its opportunity to escape.

The thoughts that bandy around my head are easy to workout, my mind runs through all the potential variables, it takes in all the potential actions and possibilities and arrives at the most likely outcome, the saddest thing is I have yet to be wrong.

Such is the mind of a mad man.

Reminiscent Smile

A smile that I haven’t seen in a while began to re-emerge and a look in those eyes that is all to familiar, it would seem that a brief moment of reprieve is being enjoyed.

Sitting by the river I think about everything that has happened, those times which tried her and all the sacrifices she made that has left her so closed off; what happened to give her the idea that it’s better to just ignore that which stares her in the face and act as if nothing is wrong, what made her so closed?

As I look deeply into her eyes it’s like time itself stops and all I can see I her, the temptation to hold her close is unbearable, I have to keep distant; after all its not appropriate in my place of work.

In my heart I know that what once was will never be again, you can no more fix a broken plate than you can stop the sun from setting and leaving the sky each day, all that can be done now is to wait for the sun to rise again.

I can’t give you back what was taken from you and for that, I’m sorry.

Shadow at the Door

A mysterious shadow blocks half of the pale moonlight gleaming through the glass, I approached the door with curiosity, only to find someone with a deepened look of sadness and confusion; I let her in.

After more talk the circle seemed never ending, I could feel her emotion climbing to its highest peak and still she held it back; afraid of the ramifications of expressing it. I eventually succumb and give her another chance, even though she still did not understand completely; to take things one step at a time was the point we had reached, can a trust that is lost be regained without complete understanding of why? Time will reveal all.

Days have passed and I feel I’m becoming increasingly more distant, starting again with reservations and doubt is weighing as heavily on my mind as it is hers.

Being more open is not an easy thing, we fear the judgement of others for exposing our true selves and having all our flaws laid out for those closest to see. I miss the expression of honesty that filled the air at the start, the more I felt it become dampened the more I began to hesitate; after all of the worry and trouble of the past the value of risks bacame easy to see.

Black and white is the word most commonly used to describe me, although I feel life is more like a colour wheel than just two bold colours, it is the choices we make that are black and white in the end.

One last step

All the days of this week have been leading up to this point, and after all the talking and the steps towards the edge of reason, that last one was just too much.

Tonight was by far the hardest, I gave every chance possible, asking what she would want from me if the situation was reversed, going as far as telling her that self sacrifice is the answer.

She claimed to understand, her vacant stare towards the floor proved otherwise; my heart sank.

She refused to do for me what she had done so many times before for others and take that leap of faith; risking that fall into despair for the chance to be happy and make things right.

Holding back her tears and her feelings; I wait in silence, and still nothing.

There is nothing more that can be done. I offered the way to repair my broken trust, a chance for her to lay everything on the line; silence was what I received. The person who I thought understood me and what it meant to be enough faltered and so the shooing star in the sky passed by as it does for so many.

Time to keep moving forwards and smile. Life is not meant to be easy it’s meant to be lived and risks are meant to be taken, I felt she was worth the risk of letting in, it’s a shame she didn’t feel the same.

Writing this post now means there is no going back, when people read this they will know what I wanted from her, it is heart breaking to accept the truth that she could not find this answer on her own and take that step.

That Smile

That smile reminded me of how much something so simple actually means, the feeling is more than words can describe.

It was a smile that had been missing and it warmed my heart to see it again, as a result I couldn’t help it smile back.

It doesn’t take much to bring back the reasons you care for someone, even if trust had been broken; now I have to wait and see if my trust can be restored.

The conversation was short and in a familiar place, for a brief moment I forgot everything and let her back in.

The lack of understanding

Still unable to see past what she can’t understand, despite how many times it is claimed, the sentence always ends with the same word ‘but’. This word only confirms a frightened attitude that is still closed off, unable to accept my point of view.

I was asked if I truly understood her reasons and feelings on the situation, simply put the answer is yes because I agree and accept all the points made, and this is how I know there is still more that is held back because that would be the situation if I was in that position, everything is accounted for except one last fact, raw emotion.

Admissions of familiarity, comfort and easy have now been spoken which are steps towards opening up. After spending so many years running from confrontation and refusing to listen to deeper thoughts, choosing to block them out by any means necessary it stops the open honesty I seek.

I do not believe anything deeper lies at the heart of this matter, I do however want to hear all the feelings and emotions she had at the time of her choice because not all of them have been spoken yet, I feel she holds more back and is unwilling to listen to herself. This is my view on the situation and is only compounded by her silence.

The damage has been done, I can do nothing to repair it, all I can do is listen and all she can do is talk.

I value spoken words.

Full Circle

Once again the discussion comes full circle, back to the question that can’t be answered. Reasons were given and explained, selfishness exposed, even with all of that I feel something is missing because the answer to ‘why’ apparently doesn’t exist or so I’m told.

More came to light on their feelings about how to move forwards from this point, “neither of us would give it our all” the seed of doubt has been planted by their own actions and as before what could have been will never be because of one simple choice.

I grow tired of this. Tired of being let down by those I choose to let in, when will it end? When will people think before they act, when will people learn .