History Always Repeats

I thought this pain was from memories of old, I was wrong.

To feel someone pulling away once again is truly crippling.

I have finally realised what it is, I now understand they reason, I understand why…. I let people in.

I hide in plain sight, all my feelings are there to be seen and yet they are unrecognisable to those who have meant the most.

I can look into their eyes and know how they feel, every thought, every hope, every dream and every fear.

To see them begin to pull away because they do not understand me just hurts more every time it happens.

To be the one who always takes the risks, who always let’s people in even though they don’t realise it seems to be the very reason I suffer.

Patience is lost in our world, so many cannot see beyond their own self preservation, so many cannot see what could be if only they had waited.

“She would have been so happy if she had waited. I just want to grab her and shake her”

Once this was said to me by someone who I thought understood, it’s funny how people forget the little things that are so important.

Now once again I feel like there is an amassing weight gathering around me ready to fall and crush me. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be my happy ending, only another chapter in the pages of my history.

Words I have said seem to have meant little to nothing so many times. People have said they struggle to know me, they struggle to understand me…. If they trusted me they would know their answers.

There was so much I had to say, all I was waiting for was the right time to make that leap. Now such secrets would only be forced, I can feel the cold hand of fate reaching into me once again, clutching a healing heart ready to squeeze.

“What will be will be” horrible words, created for people who do not wish to make a choice and lose their control even if only for a second.

Horrible words that follow us all throughout life and offer an escape for those who never truly want to let go.

Horrible words that have no place in my life.

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The Halls of the Mind

I find myself drifting through world of nothing, corridors so dark with no path to follow or light to guide.

Am I destined to wander lost and alone, trapped inside my own mind unable to find the answers I seek? The more time I spend wandering the corridors of my mind in search of that ever elusive answer I find doors to open that only give me more questions. 

After being bathed in such warn light from another why is it the shadow that is cast worries me so. It’s always there and accept it I have, so why does it now start to cause stirring thoughts? Why can I not answer my own questions…

Is it the fear of once again losing that which has been given to me, or is it fear of falling once again into a place of such darkness and pain.

Letting go of the echoes of the past and brining silence to the cries of the damned was no easy challenge and now it would seem they inhabit the decadent halls of my mind brining them a slow degradation. 

The lies of the past and the pain carried with them were embedded deeper than I realised, all it took was one simple sentence to be uttered for a cascade of bad memories to come flooding back screaming with now way to silence them, brining the forgotten pain along with them.

A sudden clarity of what I now have and what it would mean if I lost it all again…

Second chances are rare, so why do we feel we don’t deserve them? All we need is embrace them, let them take their course and not compare them to the past. Tangled thoughts infest people’s minds, we spend so much time allowing a single vine to grow in our minds and eventually our hearts, we wait for the worst because of past experience and in doing so maybe we encourage it’s return… I must find the root and cut it fast before it’s too late.

I have have come to the end of the halls and that one last remaining door, I hope my answer lays in wait behind it.