So Much…

“So much pain, so much suffering, so much anger! So much Hate! So much love…”

Reading the lies written so long ago, they tear through my heart, the pain is unbearable.. my silent screams of anguish are masked by my exuberant confidence and strength.

“Even the strongest fall to a knee when the weight becomes too great”

Why did I read it? I don’t know. I had forgotten of its existence yet reading through it I feel angry for allowing myself to believe the lies. For a person to conceive such a letter, with words speaking of “True Love” memory and heart can only come from a sick mind, a mind that is so damaged it cannot comprehend they effects of its actions.

“The way you smile at me, it’s the same every time, the same with your eyes the way you look at me never changes”… The torment of reading that line is immense, she knew how I had fallen, and she knew just how to control me.

Why would she write such a letter?

She speaks of how embarrassed and ashamed she is of her actions, yet she still even now continues to manipulate her pawns on the board.

“When you love someone, when you truly love someone, that person becomes a part of you, they become your life regardless whether they’re in it or not”… Such contrite lies, I am sure I alone was not the only one to hear these words.

This line in particular causes an unparalleled rage “You must be reading this now thinking, why I have given this to you? It’s simple, I can’t give up on you, on us, I never will”… such nonsense, I still wonder what the repercussions would be if I made the last copy of this public.

“I miss you more and more every day, the pain was supposed to subside, not get even worse. You re in my every thought” “I find myself getting completely lost in thoughts about us , I reminisce and think about what could have been. How things should have been. I create stories and fantasies in my head”… How could someone write such things that hold no meaning. Each person wants to hear such words, dreams of hearing such words. A love that truly yearns for their lost partner. It takes a special kind of evil to write such lie knowing full well someone’s feelings.

The deception only fuels the pains and anger, unable to discern fact from fallacy I find my head spinning. Even after my last act of “Helping” I cannot explain the reason why I did it, Love? Or perhaps what I really want is to expose the cruel harlequin for what she really is.

Knowing full well you have read my blog makes me question, why you decided to comment on an older post. Why can you not speak to me face to face? Are you too afraid of your master who punishes you? Or is the real reason you’re too ashamed because everyone knows that you have been playing games and trying to manipulate everyone at every turn?

You say “we’ve broken each other, I’ve broken you” Broken? No fractured yes, unlike you I do not need to hide behind everyone else, I will stand alone and accept the consequences for my actions because I am not a coward.

“I beg you not to hate me, please don’t hate me. I’m not evil, I’m not manipulative, I’m not in control, I’m out of control. Everything I have ever said to you has been from my heart. You will always the only one that will ever know and see me for who I really am. Remember the pain behind my smile is the exact same as the pain behind yours”…nonsensical dribble, if you meant any of that you would never have acted the way you have, at the time of this letter you would never have let me become the one who took the fall for your pathetic preservation of reputation.

You are a liar.

“I will never love another for as long as I live. All my love April”

I applaud you, why? Because Unlike you I really did mean everything I wrote in my letter to you, Unlike you I cannot say things to people unless I mean them. Unlike you I will never use people’s emotions to my advantage not when the result could be so destructive.

I have a question for you now.

Am I right or am I wrong?….

Seeking Answers

“We try too hard, striving for more, trying to force the outcome we feel we deserve. When all we need to do is nothing.”

“Malaki” is trying to claw back that which he has lost, seeing it happen each day is hard to watch, he becomes less and less himself each day. Speaking to him my words fell on deaf ears, like a ravenous dog clutching the smallest part of a bone he will not let go.

The maze he has entered is unforgiving, it will only serve to warp his reality causing him too see only what he wants, it will exacerbate his fears until he is lost, endlessly wandering through his self created prison.

The hardest thing to do is often the right thing, what is the right thing to do? 

Nothing. You do nothing.

To let go and continue with your own life, accept that which has happened because you cannot change it, more often than not it’s already too late. Learn from the mistakes you made, make your apologies, accept your mistakes along with theirs and let sleeping dogs lie. 

“Is it easy? No. Is it right? Yes. Do not think of yourself think of them, let them go and do nothing to stop them. In the end it’s the best solution.”