Something Forgotten

Looking back through some old documents I stumble across one titled “April” I should have just destroyed it and forgotten I ever saw it, coulda, woulda, shoulda….

It was the letter I had written for her all that time ago.

As I sat and read through it I felt a surge of emotion, a surge unlike any I had felt for a long time, Reading it back to myself I felt the tears stream down my face, I loved this girl so much it made me ache all over and there was nothing I could do to stop this feeling.

I think back to when “Jay” contacted me and told me she had shown him this letter that I had written, more feeling returned to my heart followed by the pain I had since forgotten, it seemed the two went hand in hand… I would not be granted one without the other.

As I continue to read I think to myself “How could I have gotten it so wrong? How could I have loved someone so much and taken such a risk for her? How could I ever feel that way again?” I’m not an emotional person by nature, I let people see parts of myself while cleverly hiding the rest, hiding the deeper parts of my personality because of the fear of getting hurt as I had in the past. I had never opened up like I did for her and in return all I was granted was betrayal and suffering.

To miss someone every day and yearn to just speak to them and make sure they are alright is crippling, still there was nothing left anymore, re-reading the letter drained me physically to the point of not being able to hold myself up.  

This is one of the reasons why I will never read through this blog.

Silence surrounds me, I have no more tears to shed and yet my heart still aches… every day. The pain had not disappeared, I had not forgotten who I thought she was, I had only become numb which had given me respite, even if only for a brief time..

The truth is, I will always remember who she was an apparition or not she was real to me, she will always be there, that one shining memory in an otherwise darkened heart.

Who Are You?

“There are those who fall in love and choose to stay, There are those who make people fall in love and decide to walk away. Which one are you?”

After seeing “Amelia” a few days ago I could see that my suspicions were true, the look behind her eyes she tried to hide was a clear to me a a summer sky.

I begun to dwell on these thoughts and came to realise that I had inadvertently caused her a pain and sorrow similar to that which I had experienced though not on the same scale. Still, pain is pain and the good people of the world always seemed to be the ones who were exposed repeatedly to it.

While time passes me by I watch and see something I had missed before, that subtle look that I had seen so many times and it finally dawned on me the potential this look had. 

I have seen this look staring at me time and time again, that look of love. 

The saddest truth is I never looked back at them this way, lest for only 3 people. One was a child’s fantasy, one was an adults lust and one was cruel manipulation to which I was blinded by. I.had always been the one to hold back all because of a pain long past that meant nothing in the end, I was the one  who decided to walk away, because of fear.

Reminiscing of the times I have known it would never be enough, yet still I played out my role and hurt people in the process. I guess karma finally caught up with me. I begun to understand the view “Dante” had on the world, seeing it for what it was, seeing people for what and who they were and why he kept only a chosen few close to him. 

We all seek those who are as we are, shadows and eachos, versions of ourselves that we can harmonise with. Those we can share experience and also gain experience from.

We long to be understood, to have people look at us and know what we are, know our innermost feelings without a spoken word, acceptance.

Still I cannot unsee the looks I have seen and their meaning, behind the eyes is everything you ever need to know and it is there if you will but look. 

“So tell me who are you? The one who stays or the one to walk away?”