Looking back through some old documents I stumble across one titled “April” I should have just destroyed it and forgotten I ever saw it, coulda, woulda, shoulda….
It was the letter I had written for her all that time ago.
As I sat and read through it I felt a surge of emotion, a surge unlike any I had felt for a long time, Reading it back to myself I felt the tears stream down my face, I loved this girl so much it made me ache all over and there was nothing I could do to stop this feeling.
I think back to when “Jay” contacted me and told me she had shown him this letter that I had written, more feeling returned to my heart followed by the pain I had since forgotten, it seemed the two went hand in hand… I would not be granted one without the other.
As I continue to read I think to myself “How could I have gotten it so wrong? How could I have loved someone so much and taken such a risk for her? How could I ever feel that way again?” I’m not an emotional person by nature, I let people see parts of myself while cleverly hiding the rest, hiding the deeper parts of my personality because of the fear of getting hurt as I had in the past. I had never opened up like I did for her and in return all I was granted was betrayal and suffering.
To miss someone every day and yearn to just speak to them and make sure they are alright is crippling, still there was nothing left anymore, re-reading the letter drained me physically to the point of not being able to hold myself up.
This is one of the reasons why I will never read through this blog.
Silence surrounds me, I have no more tears to shed and yet my heart still aches… every day. The pain had not disappeared, I had not forgotten who I thought she was, I had only become numb which had given me respite, even if only for a brief time..
The truth is, I will always remember who she was an apparition or not she was real to me, she will always be there, that one shining memory in an otherwise darkened heart.
