Silent Sigh

Those who smile hide the most,

They look on never being held by a lie,

Keeping the secrets so safe and close,

If you listen as the smile you can hear a silent sigh. 

So is the tale of a girl and a boy,

They do not look nor do they smile,

Only their smiles can tell the story,

If you listen to the sighs you can hear her story of guile,

If you listen to his however you hear of glory.

 

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Open Roads

“Letting people in is the hardest choice you have to make”

To know someone is to accept them, to allow people this knowledge you must first know and accept yourself. 

“Amelia” and I had begun talking more frequently again, having someone who you can almost let in immediately is a rare gift that many never experience, it seemed so normal and natural talking to her once again yet it seemed once more the timing was inconvenient.

Her fear was once again I was not ready. It would be easy to have a relationship with her because of how easy everything feels with her, she is the first person who seems to keep a constant smile on my face, so why was I not hearing anything from my gut? 

After the events of the past when we began spending more time together I let her in extremely fast, as a result of this I pulled back. I missed my chance and yet, she was still here.

“There is never enough time”

Floating

Floating,
Drifting,
Falling through space with no sign of it’s end.

Lost to the endless abyss of the sky,
Unable to soar,
Unable to fly.

Who will save us from this fate,
Drifting in silence we struggle to concentrate,
Floating through endless time.

Beautifully Damaged

“A lesson learned makes you humble”

A whole year has passed and I think it’s fair to say I’ve grown more than ever before. The last year of my life has been filled with memories of joy and the elation of falling in love, I wish that could have been the end of it, sadly however it was also filled with lies, deception, betrayal and pain.

Funny really how we will all look for what has caused our past pains, the reasons and the excuses, mine came from a choice I made, I was the arbitor of my own suffering.

I chose to follow my heart and throw all caution to the wind. I destroyed a person because I followed my greed, I followed the insatiable lust I had, I followed feelings far stronger than I had ever felt before and as the reward for this leap of faith I found myself fighting an oppressing weight baring down on me. 

Falling to one knee I was almost crushed. The thing that gave me the strength to stand under this weight was a faded memory, a faded feeling, that was enough to help me stand again.

Logic was lost in the labyrinth of my mind, at each turn of a corner I was confronted with more devastating sights,I was fighting my own ouroboros, I was fighting my deep set flaws.

My capacity for cruelty, my apathy, my greed.

I emerged from the labyrinth of my mind with a different view on the world, a view of empathy. No longer was I afraid to let people in, those who try to keep everyone out only end up fighting themselves and its a lonely place to be.

There are those times in life that cause us to open our eyes and see things as they are. We see those who are our friends, we see those that understand, we see those who love us and those who want to use us. To understand the value of other people you must understand yourself, if you cannot understand your own value why would anyone else?

Watch for the people in your life who do the small things that make you smile, these are the people who truly care for you, don’t allow yourself to be blinded by greed, gluttony and envy. People who knows the little things about you are the ones who will accept the big things, good or bad, these are the people who love you.

We only get one life, why waste it chasing that which doesn’t matter?

Smile and talk to everyone, true not everyone will like you amd some may detest you and others will want you for the short while, but there are those who will love you for all you are and all you have been, they will also love you for all you have yet to become.

The secret is listening.

I guess you could say I had become beautifully damaged.

“Smile at others everyday, laugh with others everyday, give generously everyday and most of all accept yourself because once you do, so will everyone else.”

So Much…

“So much pain, so much suffering, so much anger! So much Hate! So much love…”

Reading the lies written so long ago, they tear through my heart, the pain is unbearable.. my silent screams of anguish are masked by my exuberant confidence and strength.

“Even the strongest fall to a knee when the weight becomes too great”

Why did I read it? I don’t know. I had forgotten of its existence yet reading through it I feel angry for allowing myself to believe the lies. For a person to conceive such a letter, with words speaking of “True Love” memory and heart can only come from a sick mind, a mind that is so damaged it cannot comprehend they effects of its actions.

“The way you smile at me, it’s the same every time, the same with your eyes the way you look at me never changes”… The torment of reading that line is immense, she knew how I had fallen, and she knew just how to control me.

Why would she write such a letter?

She speaks of how embarrassed and ashamed she is of her actions, yet she still even now continues to manipulate her pawns on the board.

“When you love someone, when you truly love someone, that person becomes a part of you, they become your life regardless whether they’re in it or not”… Such contrite lies, I am sure I alone was not the only one to hear these words.

This line in particular causes an unparalleled rage “You must be reading this now thinking, why I have given this to you? It’s simple, I can’t give up on you, on us, I never will”… such nonsense, I still wonder what the repercussions would be if I made the last copy of this public.

“I miss you more and more every day, the pain was supposed to subside, not get even worse. You re in my every thought” “I find myself getting completely lost in thoughts about us , I reminisce and think about what could have been. How things should have been. I create stories and fantasies in my head”… How could someone write such things that hold no meaning. Each person wants to hear such words, dreams of hearing such words. A love that truly yearns for their lost partner. It takes a special kind of evil to write such lie knowing full well someone’s feelings.

The deception only fuels the pains and anger, unable to discern fact from fallacy I find my head spinning. Even after my last act of “Helping” I cannot explain the reason why I did it, Love? Or perhaps what I really want is to expose the cruel harlequin for what she really is.

Knowing full well you have read my blog makes me question, why you decided to comment on an older post. Why can you not speak to me face to face? Are you too afraid of your master who punishes you? Or is the real reason you’re too ashamed because everyone knows that you have been playing games and trying to manipulate everyone at every turn?

You say “we’ve broken each other, I’ve broken you” Broken? No fractured yes, unlike you I do not need to hide behind everyone else, I will stand alone and accept the consequences for my actions because I am not a coward.

“I beg you not to hate me, please don’t hate me. I’m not evil, I’m not manipulative, I’m not in control, I’m out of control. Everything I have ever said to you has been from my heart. You will always the only one that will ever know and see me for who I really am. Remember the pain behind my smile is the exact same as the pain behind yours”…nonsensical dribble, if you meant any of that you would never have acted the way you have, at the time of this letter you would never have let me become the one who took the fall for your pathetic preservation of reputation.

You are a liar.

“I will never love another for as long as I live. All my love April”

I applaud you, why? Because Unlike you I really did mean everything I wrote in my letter to you, Unlike you I cannot say things to people unless I mean them. Unlike you I will never use people’s emotions to my advantage not when the result could be so destructive.

I have a question for you now.

Am I right or am I wrong?….

Seeking Answers

“We try too hard, striving for more, trying to force the outcome we feel we deserve. When all we need to do is nothing.”

“Malaki” is trying to claw back that which he has lost, seeing it happen each day is hard to watch, he becomes less and less himself each day. Speaking to him my words fell on deaf ears, like a ravenous dog clutching the smallest part of a bone he will not let go.

The maze he has entered is unforgiving, it will only serve to warp his reality causing him too see only what he wants, it will exacerbate his fears until he is lost, endlessly wandering through his self created prison.

The hardest thing to do is often the right thing, what is the right thing to do? 

Nothing. You do nothing.

To let go and continue with your own life, accept that which has happened because you cannot change it, more often than not it’s already too late. Learn from the mistakes you made, make your apologies, accept your mistakes along with theirs and let sleeping dogs lie. 

“Is it easy? No. Is it right? Yes. Do not think of yourself think of them, let them go and do nothing to stop them. In the end it’s the best solution.”

Master or Marionette?

“One commands, one follows, Which are you?”

They say jump, you say how high? This is the plight of the world we live in, filled with people that obey their self anointed master. It is far easier to accept the commands of another for their praise and reward not matter how pathetic it is.

This has become viewed as normal, it’s sad to see so many people fall victim to this.

The question is which is which? Is the master truly the one in control of have they been cleverly manipulated by their slave into thinking they have control? The sign of a true master of deception is to fool those around them to believe that they are the innocent lost soul crying for help… crying for help, behind endless tears and screams, tears and screams that are not real, tears and screams that conceal what lay beneath the surface.

They utter words so perfectly timed they have the power to influence the emotions of their victims to believe what they want them to believe.

So which are you? A helpless soul trapped in a crumbling reality unable to escape or are you the one pulling the strings of the countless puppets you control?

Take the time to look and you will see who is which in this world, watch their eyes, a person’s eyes cannot lie.

“It’s all about the eyes, no matter how beautiful, they might just be seething with corrupting”