Heart Wrenching Words

“You think you are protected from all that can hurt you from all that can bring you down but all it takes is a few simple to bring the walls crashing down”

Enjoying the comfort of my brother “Dante” helped ease my troubled mind and provided a release from both of our own personal hells, I could still see the broken look behind his eyes just as he could see mine neither of us said a word but we knew.

Finishing our activities we descend into the local coffee shop and we are greeted by a friend of mine “Julia” sharing a smile we all sit together and begin to put the worlds to rights the turn in the conversation that approached me was unseen and nothing could have prepared me for it. As we spoke more about my place of work “Julia” mentioned about the web of lies that had been spun regarding my situation as she knew a large part of the early story, she had been speaking to a close friend of “Kains” and this is what she told me “Matt told me that she has to Kain that there was never anything between you two and she did not know where you got your ideas from and that she never cared for me in the way I described, there was nothing between us to quote her”.

I fell silent upon those words “there was nothing between us” my eyes burned as if hit with white hot fire my heart felt a searing pain that would have crippled me if I had not been sat down, the pain of these words I had heard was greater than any I had experienced so far. It seemed that I had been made out to be the one who just created a world in my own head that was not real, I created the way she felt about me because I was seemingly so twisted I needed to be loved, I had been portrayed as a psycho for the recent months that have past…

How could someone I felt so strongly for be so cruel…. So spiteful…. So Evil.

Fighting back a typhoon of raw emotion I bid “Julia” farewell and sat with “Dante” his face stunned by what he had heard and a look of sorrow filled his face. We continued to talk about various subjects and all the time I was holding back the tears.

As I write this staring out of the window watching the rain I think to myself, People are cruel and seem to enjoy the tormenting others purely for their own personal satisfaction in an attempt to lower their victims self-esteem to a level as low as theirs so they no longer feel alone.

“I loved once, now there is only a continuing hurt that keeps me awake at night”


Tempestuous Thoughts

“A raging storm of emotion crashes through the confides of my mind, unrelenting and unstoppable”

Spending the weekend at a wedding I was confronted by an overwhelming flood of happiness form the guests who could see only happiness in the future of this young family, smile as I might I was filled with a deep sorrow. My gaze was caught by couples spread throughout the room and I noticed one thing in particular a vacant look with an empty smile as these couple held each other in a “Loving Embrace” saddest things was I saw this even in the bride and groom… on a day that should have filled them with elation and emotion so powerful it could stop time itself all I saw was these couple were missing something, that deeper look that affected the whole face showing true emotion not just a plastered fallacy.

I began to think inwardly “Maybe I only want to see others pain to easy my own suffering?” I continued to look for these small moments that if captured on camera would echo through the ages and have people looking upon them in awe with a hope that they would one day be that happy.

Hours pass and the night draws to an end and the last dance is announced, asking a friend to get up and dance I slowly walk her to the floor and begin to dance “I didn’t know you could dance” she said, this made me smile “well I’m full of surprises” listening to the words of the song an elderly couple catch my eye slowly pacing in the corner of the room holding one another closer than all others I had seen before them as the song ended I watch this illustrious old couple and see the first genuine sign of happiness I had seen all day, a look that made my heart ache because once I had someone who looked at me like that.

The old couple gave me hope that one day I might find a person with eyes so beautiful I could get lost in them just as I did hers all that time ago.

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?

An Acquired Taste

“Something so simple can take you away from your problems for a brief moment… but can you accept the repercussions?”

A crowded room filled with people drinking, dancing and people being social simply forgetting their problems and enjoying the release granted to them by alcohol is all to common.

Watching close friends resort to this course of action was reminiscent of what I had been through my ordeal in the past, I had noticed myself start slipping into a habit of a “social drink” each and every week and acquiring the taste for the elation that alcohol granted, after seeing people fall into a vicious circle that leads down a dangerous path.

Reading back through my writings I saw something, a change in my very person along with a distinct scar that has been left on my emotions and as a result I knew what it was I wanted…. to trust someone.

Trust is so easily broken and never truly regained but to take the risk to open up that much exposes your very essence, with all the people I had opened up to there is still no one I would entrust with everything yet it seems people can easily trust me in this way. When I think why the answer is simple “I listen” true what I tell people is not what they want to hear but at least it’s the truth and perhaps this is why they trust me because I am not afraid to hurt their feelings for the right reasons.

Being able to tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear is why I now realise so many turn to drink, they don’t turn for a release but an underlying reason “alcohol makes you tell the truth” so many time people say they have a fight she they are drunk and it would seem it is all because the lose the fear of being honest and let it all out.

It’s a sad world that we resort to this course of action.

There are three kinds of people in the world who will tell you the absolute truth Childern, anyone who is extremely angry or a drunk person. After something is said people will soon reply with “oh I didn’t mean it” wrong you knew what you were saying otherwise you would not say it. Emotion causes us to recoil it seems people are ruled by fear of the truth.

Forever Young

“In the eyes of a child the world is seen for what it is”

From a young we are taught those values & believes that carry us through life and are given answers to the questions we ask that suit the realms of omission, we are not told the truth rather a variation of the truth from a certain point of view which best achieves the desired outcome and stops further curiosity.

“Is it really any wonder people have trust issues and trust seems to be rare?”

Living life always waiting to hear the answers we seek not the answers we need. Disregarding anything that does not fit our believes we continue to ask the same questions to different people in the hope one of the will tell us what we want to hear, such is the curse of our youth.

True enough as  parents this as protection from the real world, why though are people afraid of sharing their knowledge? Sharing their experiences? What we learn as childern stays in our subconscious mind all our life’s and it takes something big to change that. 

“Sad thing is some people never change”

A Colour Blind World

“People say the world is not black or white but shades of grey, I say the world is black or white but made beautiful and unique for every individual by colour… by feelings”

The phrase “the world’s not black or white by shades of grey” is referring to compromise grey is the colour of compromise, this word holds a deeper meaning than many realise, not just meeting in the middle as people think but it seems to me that a compromise is only one sided and the weaker person in the battle of wills is often the first to say “we made a compromise” what they really want to say… “I gave in”.

“A relationship only works if you compromise because it helps you grow together” I have heard many statement’s like this and each is accompanied by a hollow look behind their eyes with this thought “if I didn’t do this I would lose them” fear emanates from the deepest depths of their hearts and each time they find a so called compromise they lose a small part of themselves because it’s not a compromise that is made but a submission.

The world is black & white it is that simple the choices are simple, to lead a life like this would be plain and unfulfilled, it is our feelings that help us see the word in colour and appreciate its beauty.

To hold back your feelings and lie to yourself will leave you colour-blind, two people will see the world in different colours seeing beauty in different things and being together will give them both new colours they never had so they can see more beauty than ever before.

When you find people who share a similar colour pallet with only small changes in shade or tone everything seems so easy but what happens when they have two opposing colours hat clash? You have the choice to accept your partners colour at the sacrifice of your own “compromise” or create a new colour together “acceptance of each other” think about this the next time you have made a compromise, have you both accepted each other’s colour to then create a new colour together? while all the time preserving your individual colours these individual parts of your personality? Or have you chosen to adopt your partners colour, their personality trait at the sacrifice of yours…

Your colours make you unique and the person they fell in love with; why compromise your colours and change who you are for someone else? If you both love each other you will never want to change each other only grow together adding more and more colours to each other’s pallet.

“See the world together and create new colours”

Calm Before the Storm

“The calm sea and clear skies are soon to be broken by the Storm that approaches”

Quelling thoughts that had been creeping upon my mind I found a balance between serenity and insanity that had begun to restore the pillars that had been corrupted so long ago, it was time to take a new risk.

“Mia” had been suffering an internal torment that was all to familiar and a silence had claim her, a silence that screamed agreement and renouncement which worried me. The temptation for people to let go of their free will seemed all to common, taking he easy option rather than the stronger option.. a choice to become moulded into what someone else perceives as acceptable, I had a bad feeling that something was bad was coming. I had seen this happen several times in my life and each time I lost a good friend because I chose to walk away from them and to leave them without someone to confide in all because I was to stubborn to accept their choice.

“Sandy” and old close friend had made the same choice years ago which resulted in us growing ever more distant, from talking g to “Mia” thoughts of her reappeared in my mind I decide to send a message on social media because I began to realise as a friend I should have been there for her more and supported choice even if I didn’t agree wit it. I meet her only to find a broken person unable to relax, my past warnings had failed but looking back I should have stayed a friend, now not only had she been mentally damaged she was on the brink of breaking because she was now pregnant.

What should have been a pleasure to say only seemed to repulse her, my mind struggled to understand why so I pushed for her to open up and learnt something that filled me with rage.

“I didn’t want kids but he said that he loved me and this would make everything better so I did it for him, he has now told me to abort the baby because he is not ready… I don’t know what to do”  

This once intellectual, compassionate and confident person stood before me shaking with tears flooding her eyes, I hold her close and ask “what do you want?” She says nothing yet the look in her eyes says it all she wants him and I had a horrible feeling about her answer, she was no longer able to make choices of her own, fragile barley able to stand she answers me “I and going to terminate it” looking her in the eye “if that is your choice then please speak to a councillor as I’ve heard it can be very stressful” she tries to smile and pulls away from me.

As walk her back to her car I ask her to keep in touch, I see a glimpse of the smile she once had. Walking home the thoughts of that conversation fill me with anger that someone can change a person so much so that they always feel they are at fault and will do anything to gain acceptance, it’s a sad world we live in. I also thought of my own actions in allowing what was a close friendship to crumble, such a fool I was.