The Darkness of the Heart

“Born of pure light our hearts hold the key to breaking free of the darkness, will you choose the path of the light or be swallowed by the darkness that we all must face..”

My heart has been tied to the darkness the simple choice to let go and succumb is all to strong. Today it feel as if my strength is finally beginning to disappear, fighting back every dark impulse for so long has taken its toll.

Worn down by the constant emotional battles from within has left me tired and weary. 

Disgusting the worth of words unable to ascertain fact from fallacy I no longer can hold back the temptation to give myself to the darkness in my heart.

All I ever wanted was the truth.

Those words still echo in my mind the suffering is endless! 

Even if I meant nothing, to me you meant everything. Such a fool for falling to words I have longed to hear, when all along it was a trick yet try as I might something keeps me connected to the pain unable to let go.

“It’s time to step into the dark for what awaits can only be a release compared to what I have endured”

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Behind my Eyes

“Behind my eyes you can see the pain if you look deep enough”

Only hours have passed since the attempt to appeal to my heart. It feels as if time has all but stopped and a weight is stopping me from moving in any direction it feels like I’m stuck paralyzed in limbo with only darkness as my companion.

She has dragged me too a place I thought I had left behind, once again I am stood on the edge of madness and for all the people I have seen today not one has seen it. 

Struggling to control the flurry of emotion tearing me apart each second this day goes by the same question collides with the walls of my mind “why speak to me and act as if care when your actions and your words prove otherwise” the look of self pity and fear I saw causes me only more pain because it was an inward expression of concern because she now realises that someone truly hates her and sees her for the pathetic excuse of a human that she is.

My words are filled with anger an expression of the anguish I have suffered, even  here in this moment in time I can hear her voice “I’m not evil, I’m not a horrid person” try as I might to banish her plaguing presence from my mind it is tearing me apart. 

To be capable of treating someone who you once upon a time claimed love with such disregard such apathy because of a need for the self preservation of an image just shows how some people in this world are truly heartless.

I can feel my self being consumed by pure malice, I have not lead a perfect life I have hurt people in the past  but I always told them the truth despite the pain they would suffer the truth at least leaves reason, understanding that my feelings had changed but were real. From all I had heard these recent months all I had was lies, the words of yesterday caused my heart to scream in pain “there was nothing between us” still haunted by her phantom voice I can hear her say it…. it feels like reaper himself clutching my heart.

To believe everything i had been told to indulge my hearts desires only to discover it was meaningless was punishment that even I cannot endure, how I have not broken is beyond my own understanding.

Funny thing is no one could see any of this.

“Perhaps she was right and it is all in my head… maybe the way I she looked at me was never there, the love was never real and maybe I had gone mad”

Guilt of a Girl

“The sheer amount of hurt you have caused me is measured only by the guilt you feel from the lies you have spread in your tangled web”

Sleepless nights with broken dreams keep me in this perpetual torment dreams are uncontrollable and always end up in the same place causing even more pain to resurface, as I lay in bed after waking from another short sleep I just want it all to cease but this is a pain that has embedded itself in my very soul to become a part of my being until the end of my days.

Arriving at work the air is still and the winds are calm the presence of sadness lurking around me, as I approach my place of work it was as if I was walking towards purgatory itself a darkened hole in which broken dreams were laid for all to see.

Taking off my battered coat I turn to see a ghost of my past approaching me with haste to utter these words “can I have a minute of your time, that’s all I want” against all my better judgement I let “April” into the office… her hand shaking with almost incoherent speech from the borderline of hyperventilation and fear she says to me “I don’t know what you have heard or who has told you but its not true” her words fell on deaf ears as I could hardly look at her but when I did I saw a broken mess trying desperately to claw back some of the dignity that she used to have “I am sorry for what I have done and how I have lied” more and more she spoke… rambled as if she was trying to justify her actions to me.

As sincere and brave as her confession might have seemed all I saw was more lies spouted in an effort to protect herself and excuse the indescribable amount of pain she has caused me… a pain she is still causing me. “I have to live with what I have done” more idealistic dribble to sooth her own guilt and anguish. She seems to forget people talk and one way or another what she has said about me behind closed doors will always find its way to my ears because of peoples curiosity because clearly I was a disturbed and malicious individual to have made up all the feelings that we had for each other.

Even all those seconds she was stood in front of me apologising her words and use of language were not of sadness for the hurt she has caused me but for her own self pity trying once again to convince an audience of the purity of her heart such acts were now wasted on me I thought I knew her…. I was wrong.

Waiting for her silence I open the door and say only this “get out” I could feel myself holding back every emotion I had trying to force its way out, I felt the tears filling my eyes and the pain that resided so deep in me splitting me in two for all the time she was stood in front of me it was clear that she did not care about me only herself she had unwittingly given me more proof that she was not the person I once thought Kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and loving no she was a selfish, spiteful, malicious individual who would use any means she saw fit to achieve her desired outcome be that words of concern, guilt, regret or even love as long as she achieved what she wanted it did not matter on her choice of weapon.

I would have loved this woman until time itself ceased to exist because I truly believed she was the one and fought so hard to prove this to her and even went as far as opening up completely which I have only ever done for her but instead of being the king that would have stood beside her queen through the game of life I was instead a pawn disposable and easy to sacrifice.

“If you only knew what it was like to wake up everyday and have no reason to get up you might understand a fraction of the pain I suffer”