Reawakening of Pain

“Help all who need it but recognise those who don’t want it”

Standing by friends who have needed support and being someone to listen and understand how they feel has been a gift granted to me only recently, it has allowed me to help many people by connecting with them and sharing their pain, fear, sorrow and uncertainty allowing them to let go saying what they really feel so that it provides clarity to their minds that panic so frantically.

The common fear is being alone I have said it before and it still remains true, compromise should be made on both sides of a relationship yet the more I look the more I see it is all one sided because inevitably one person always breaks under the pressure and fear casting off all they are just to satisfy another.

As I watch “Mia’s” torment I offer all the advice I can she has said to me “I won’t go back to the place I was in, I won’t let it happen” strong words but is her will strong enough to follow them through? I fear not because I know how much she cares for “Simon”. The biggest problem is for them to be together he wants her in a place of submission, obedience & worship replacing her will and all that makes her who she is with what would be an extension of his will. I have no malice towards him but a growing deal of concern that the more he keeps chipping away at “Mia” eventually she will begin to crack and finally lose herself.

We can help people with all our heart and bring them almost all the way out of their darkness but they have to make the final step.

I had been the consistent variable in many peoples life, I wonder if they would even notice if I was no longer there?

Spending the day alone I hear from no one, friends and family fall silent leaving me with a strange feeling that those who have said they love & care for me do so out of utility, I serve my purpose in helping them in whichever way I can soon to be cast away with the subtle winds of change. Had I been giving all my strength to others for nothing I began to wonder…  I could not say where these thoughts came from but the pieces lined up and formed a picture that I did not like, I once again was playing the fool.

As one foot passes the other I look into the river as see the leaves following its path the coming to rest on the banks leaving the river to continue on its path always consistent, always alone. Suddenly I find myself unable to move, it was as if the world had stopped and all I could do was listen to the words of a song I never knew existed, where did it come from? How did it get onto my phone? It mattered not because in my weakened state I felt each word cutting through me like a knife through warm butter, fighting to hold back a rush of emotion from the depths of the darkness which had replaced my heart this opened my eyes to more truths that I had been denying myself, I was still in a place I thought long dead, I was still….

Funny thing is a much as I try to help others it serves as a distraction from my own hurt and my own need for help, sadly I have to fight this battle alone.

“Keep your friends close because one day you will turn to them for help and you will see you’re alone when you need them most”

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