Lost Feeling

“Flowers bloom creating beauty for all to see yet once the bloom has ended all that is left is decay”

Recent days have been filled with good times, laughter and memories. Life seemed to be moving forwards again the repercussions of past actions seemed to have ceased, many people had asked me what really happened and without a care I was happy to explain and those who wanted to know more got to read some very interesting things I had in my possession and to their shock the soon realised I was not the one in the wrong and something wasn’t right. They all asked why I had not given these items to specific people and my answer was always the same “they are not worth it” although what I meant to say was “it’s not the right time” to be able to change people opinion at a whim is a rare form of power that can become intoxicating and also corrupting it was because of this I had decided to destroy “Aprils” letter.

Reading it one last time the words meant nothing; lies in written form that is all they were. Lighting the fire and watching the flames escalate in dance of uncontrollable chaos and it was glorious, the flames died and all that was left was warm glowing embers and a memory, the only memory I chose to keep because it was from a time when I was happy and that is all I needed.

It saddened me to think of the feelings I had for her had changed so much but after a constant barrage of betrayals, games, lies and pain it was only a matter of time, I had seen her at work and noticed her looking at me I offer a friendly smile and was greeted by only a cold remorseless stare almost vacant like that of someone who was lost and could no longer be found.

Various people have asked me why I am still writing, for me the answer is simple. I choose to continue because each time I write I learn more about myself and life is about learning and the only time we stop learning is when we die.

Every day I speak to people and listen to their problems be it emotional, physical or material and each time I do it unlocks a new pathway of thinking and understanding because I now have something I never had before Empathy. People feel so alone in the world even when they talk to friends they still feel truly alone and that a sad thought because in their own world they think that they are the only person who has gone through XYZ problem so helping them to realise that’s not true just seems like the right thing to do.

One thing that I see missing in the majority of people is knowing what they want, it’s not hard to know what you want in life if you just sit down and think for a moment. Often it seems to be the material things that drive our ambitions or at least the ambitions of the ego, will all of those things make us happy? Will being wanted or needed make us happy? For a while maybe but in the long term such things are meaningless.

The best bit of advice I can give is this;

 “you don’t think you are going to be happy, you know you’re going to be happy”