Endless

“We all suffer pain yet all live on hope that one day we will wake up and it will be gone”

New memories have grown and flourished recently helping to easy the stream of pain I have been feeling, friends who I supported offered their comfort and I accepted the distractions they offered and some even tried to listen but were met with “I’m good, don’t get me wrong feelings that strong don’t just go away but they change and well I despise her now so I guess that’s progress right”… the truth of the matter was the feelings were in flux like a pendulum swinging from one side which was bathed in darkness and hate settling only briefly to fall towards the immense pain and hurt I felt; each time thee feelings were reached it almost brought me to my knees.

Hiding this was difficult, all it took was a song, a smell, a sight, a word or phrase to cause a tear in the very fabric of my existence forcing me to stop and regain control. Work had become a place I no longer wanted to be I had seen her on separate occasions with all the people involved I noticed how her mood changed, her body actions changed, how the look behind her eyes gave off a sense of sorrow… or perhaps it was just a look of guilt. I noticed each time “Jay” was there she grabbed her right shoulder, she had told me once long ago before we had even become close that she seemed to do it when she was stressed or upset either she truly was in a bad place feeling trapped with no sight of escape or that was another lie she conceived and it was just a habit.

A clear night allowed the celestial beauty of the starts to shine bright leading me to walk with no direction or purpose for hours to clear my mind, I found a bench and just led down and watched the stars “each star so unique, yet always there offering themselves for us to gaze upon” after being led a still as a corpse I decide to continue walking.

My sanity returned and I once again found the pendulum lingering at the darker side of the scale, the pain had gone for now I wondered how long for this time… when would I be free of this torment and the endless swing of the pendulum…

When would I finally stop caring about her.

“Pain is relentless”

 

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