Written Farewell

“Sometimes the best way tog et something out is to write it down”

After countless hours of thinking I decided to write a final letter saying goodbye, this letter would never reach her because she did not deserve to read it. She was not deserving of any feelings from me even those of hate.

April,

I wish things would have played out differently in this tragic story of ours, that I would have been the one to have pulled you from your self imposed purgatory that you spoke of but instead of accepting my help and the help of other to confront what you yourself knew was wrong you chose to stay, for what reasons I will never know, weakness? pity? guilt? or maybe you are happy being treated badly and left feeling scared to even speak to your family and friends, who knows because I no longer care.

I opened up to you in a way I had never done before offering myself to you completely, my heart was yours and no you did not decide to break my heart, you decided to tear it out completely, leaving pain & sorrow as my only company.

When I met you I saw a beautiful woman who was full of compassion, humility, love & so much more, it is clear to me now that this was all an act because the person who I thought I knew would never have acted in the way you have. Cruel does not even begin describe what you truly are, In your letter you wrote to me “you know me” but this is clearly just another one of your lies created to deceive me.

If I truly knew you then that ill fated day when everything came to a head you would have been totally honest with everyone and told them everything you had told me, perhaps what you told me was all lies, maybe you have been telling everyone else how I was the villain in all of this and I played straight into your hands by literally offering myself as a sacrifice to try and help you, maybe you crave attention and external verification that much the sheer thought of being honest with me was something you could not do because it would mean I would be able to walk away with my feelings intact, so instead you chose to string everything out as long as possible to create maximal devastation to me. 

I have read and re-read your letter countless times trying to understand your words, you write “please don’t have me, I’m  not evil or manipulative” considering the events that have transpired I beg to differ. If anything in your letter was true I would not have received a death threat from your father; I cannot blame him for his reaction because it is clear he has been told one story, I have been told another and everyone else well who knows what you have said to them.

The reason I write this to you now is because I want you to know just how much you have hurt me by your actions and cowardice, I loved you will everything I had, what did I get in return for allowing myself to become more open and let you in? Suffering was what I was given in return for loving you.

I wanted you to know this, If I am perfectly honest words cannot describe the insurmountable amount of pain I am hiding from everyone I hold dear and I want you to know you are the cause of it, loving you has all but destroyed me, somehow I’ve still not snapped and gone insane. I loved you, you were enough, you were everything I could have hoped for in life, my chance to be truly happy; The mask has fallen away and now I see what I was blinded to, the lies, the deceit and more.

You will know that when you walk past me in the streets and look behind the smile on my face the pain you caused me, its true what they say about the line between love and hate being so fine because I held on to hope for so long that there is nothing left but hate for you.

I despise you.

Farewell.

 

This letter would never see the light of day.

“inside this chest beats a heart of chaos”

 

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