Time to Start Again

“Experince, those who understand pain are among the wisest of people heed their words and learn”

Days turn to weeks and weeks to months as time passes us by it begins to provide us with perspective and release from that which torments our minds. Returning to work I am greeted by an ominous atmosphere, just as a wandering soul stumbles into the land of the living I was greeted with hostility and confusion because people fear what they do not understand and they despise what they fear.

Questions came from every angle or at least they were disguised as questions, I was not being asked for my half of the story and I had been told of various rumours that have been spread and half truths that have been told from “Jay & Kain” or so I was told by some those closest to me. 

“Marcus” had spoken to me, he advices against indulging people and being drawn into pointless conversations because their minds were already set in stone. This was my cross to bare, a fall from grace was the price I paid for trying to save someone who did not want to be saved but rather stay in an endless cycle of mental abuse…. my heart had grown heavy from thoughts the swamped my mind, repressing every felling I ever had I made a promise to myself to move forwards, not knowing my destination, I found myself looking to the sky’s for guiding winds to aid me in my journey.

My close friend “Diana” had been sending me various messages to establish my state of mind, her concern was touching but unnecessary I told “I’m ok, moving forwards and getting on with life” her replies although agreeing with me she was unconvinced I meant what I said. 

Continuing to move forwards as I had promised myself I entered each day with a new smile. More time passed and I found myself helping more and more people providing a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear, the more people I helped share their burdens the more I was able to distract myself from what lay beneath the smile I wore.

“Diana” had met me for coffee, listening to her problems I saw a feeling of release resonating from her and a natural smile return; finishing our coffee I sat silently for a brief moment, closing my eyes and just listening…. what I heard was  true surprise to me.

Memories ablaze from a chapter long since passed in my life I open my eyes and turn to see an old familiar face smiling at me, swiftly moving towards me and throwing her arms around me I was greeted by “Sarah” one of my ex partners, her smile was comforting and we began to chat “you’ve changed” she exclaimed, “how so?” I reply with a smile, “you’re not the person I knew, you’ve grown up, you’re more open almost more human… but your ego is still large enough to fill the whole room” after we finished laughing I decided to tell her of my story. Tears began to fill her eyes, the more I explained the more I could feel my past clawing its way out of the depths I had banished it too.

Reaching the conclusion of events “Sarah” stood and pulled me close, whispering in my ear “if all what you’ve told me is true one day you will be vindicated of all the accusations, you will also find someone who will restore your faith, you will be happy. What you have now is understanding of what it is to give yourself to someone, who ever you choose to let in next time will be a lucky girl” her words were kind, as we parted company I felt for the first time a slight release from the thorns that had wrapped around my heart.

Walking through the rain towards my home I decoded to just stop and watch the rain drops hitting  river, the ripples caused from each drop Lasted for only seconds but the river was now more that it once was as it continued on it path.

Repressing feeling or trying to hide from them was not the way I needed to accept them, accept the way I felt, accept everything and let go.. I will always care but fighting for “April” was no longer my battle, I pray for her and hope one day she will find herself again.

“Never be afraid to tell people how you truly feel, friends, family or loved ones because one day they will be gone and  that will be left is the regrettable feeling of unspoken words, take the risk and always be honest”