Lost Champion

“Lost and alone I wander in search of my light”

The man that was once her champion now alone battle scared and weiry,wandering through the sleeping forest unable to see the path to the light now lost in an endless labyrinth of living shadows and haunting memories. 

Stricken of his armour and sheild all that remained clutched in his hand was the blade that caused the near fatal wound, using this he cut through the thicket searching for the guiding path back to his sanctuary where he could be left in peace, free of the torments and living shadows that followed him.

Voices calling caught his ear upon hearing cries from those closest to him the exhausted champion moves towards them, cutting through the veil of darkness before him the warm familiar light of his brethren appeared before him.
Hesitation set upon him with a choice, join those reaching to help pull him free and follow their path or fall back into the sleeping forest in search of his own path once again….the choice was simple.

“I turn, not away from your light but towards my own which casts the shadows I now stand in, I will find my self in the end of my journey through this forest and join you all again” 

Inner Struggle

“The hardest battle we ever too fight is that between our own head and heart”

Wandering thoughts keep me awake throughout the night refusing to let me sleep, refusing to let me forget, refusing to give me silence and freedom from the pain that had burrowed so deep. 

It would seem opening my very heart and soul to take the leap of faith has not only caused me to become more than what I once was but also expose me to the darker side of my thoughts and allow a seething hate to take its grip. 

Seeing only lies and a shadow of a person I try desperately to break free from this path I am on. 

The events of the past few days have caused a turmoil that I did not expect and brought with it a burning desire of curiosity, a question “why say what you have said, Is the truth so hard for you to speak…Are you that weak? just tell me the truth” My insatiable lust for knowledge and understanding that had protected me with logic was now starting to cause cracks in my armour. 

“It’s funny really, that which keeps us safe can eventually turn against us without warning”

Fighting the temptation to send a message asking that one simple question required more strength than climbing the highest mountain in the eye of a storm. 

Do I take the risk to find my answers?


Erirly Calm

“When all is calm and silence has befallen the tension begins to mount”

After the events of yesterday and “April’s” attempt of self image preservation the storm of emotion tearing through me had dispersed completely leaving only a calm feeling that worried me. Had I let go of the anger and hurt that fuelled my insatiable appetite to expose the lies that she had spread and tear apart the web that was so cleverly woven? This answer eluded me, no matter my level of concentration I could not unlock the answer that was deep in my conscious.

“Mia” being a true friend had contacted “April” fighting my corner and asking her to leave be, reading the message I could see the way they were written with knowing intent that they would be seen by me. Her answers we incomplete and empty, mere acknowledgements of her actions with no remorse for the pain she had caused with omissions to specific questions asked by “Mia” how I pity this girl so lost in her own web, damaged by the troubles and mysteries of her past.

Another puzzling point of contention was the social media message I had received from another who also now doubted her vurtuosity and resolve. Speaking for hours I learnt just how little I meant to her as I was indulged in new information about her actions of self preservation at the sacrifice of written words I had given her that were filled with so much love, for her to have shown this to someone purely to reinforce her story that I was indeed “crazy” only deepened the feeling of emptiness in my heart.

The letter I had destroyed, one of the copies lost now only one copy remained and that was held by “Mia” do I retrieve this copy and give it to the other who seems to have been portrayed as something he was not or choose to destroy it and leave the web damaged and let a life built on lies continue on its path?

The sad fact seems that my story was and always has been one sided, the love that was felt, the sacrifices that had been made and the unquestioning leap of faith were always and had always been by me.

“Sometimes we fight through life fighting for our hearts desires only to be left with scars so deep that they will always cause a reminiscing pain, these scars are good and to be worn proudly because they show what ever tried to cause irreparable damage failed and when you healed you emerge stronger than before.”

The Darkness of the Heart

“Born of pure light our hearts hold the key to breaking free of the darkness, will you choose the path of the light or be swallowed by the darkness that we all must face..”

My heart has been tied to the darkness the simple choice to let go and succumb is all to strong. Today it feel as if my strength is finally beginning to disappear, fighting back every dark impulse for so long has taken its toll.

Worn down by the constant emotional battles from within has left me tired and weary. 

Disgusting the worth of words unable to ascertain fact from fallacy I no longer can hold back the temptation to give myself to the darkness in my heart.

All I ever wanted was the truth.

Those words still echo in my mind the suffering is endless! 

Even if I meant nothing, to me you meant everything. Such a fool for falling to words I have longed to hear, when all along it was a trick yet try as I might something keeps me connected to the pain unable to let go.

“It’s time to step into the dark for what awaits can only be a release compared to what I have endured”

Behind my Eyes

“Behind my eyes you can see the pain if you look deep enough”

Only hours have passed since the attempt to appeal to my heart. It feels as if time has all but stopped and a weight is stopping me from moving in any direction it feels like I’m stuck paralyzed in limbo with only darkness as my companion.

She has dragged me too a place I thought I had left behind, once again I am stood on the edge of madness and for all the people I have seen today not one has seen it. 

Struggling to control the flurry of emotion tearing me apart each second this day goes by the same question collides with the walls of my mind “why speak to me and act as if care when your actions and your words prove otherwise” the look of self pity and fear I saw causes me only more pain because it was an inward expression of concern because she now realises that someone truly hates her and sees her for the pathetic excuse of a human that she is.

My words are filled with anger an expression of the anguish I have suffered, even  here in this moment in time I can hear her voice “I’m not evil, I’m not a horrid person” try as I might to banish her plaguing presence from my mind it is tearing me apart. 

To be capable of treating someone who you once upon a time claimed love with such disregard such apathy because of a need for the self preservation of an image just shows how some people in this world are truly heartless.

I can feel my self being consumed by pure malice, I have not lead a perfect life I have hurt people in the past  but I always told them the truth despite the pain they would suffer the truth at least leaves reason, understanding that my feelings had changed but were real. From all I had heard these recent months all I had was lies, the words of yesterday caused my heart to scream in pain “there was nothing between us” still haunted by her phantom voice I can hear her say it…. it feels like reaper himself clutching my heart.

To believe everything i had been told to indulge my hearts desires only to discover it was meaningless was punishment that even I cannot endure, how I have not broken is beyond my own understanding.

Funny thing is no one could see any of this.

“Perhaps she was right and it is all in my head… maybe the way I she looked at me was never there, the love was never real and maybe I had gone mad”

Guilt of a Girl

“The sheer amount of hurt you have caused me is measured only by the guilt you feel from the lies you have spread in your tangled web”

Sleepless nights with broken dreams keep me in this perpetual torment dreams are uncontrollable and always end up in the same place causing even more pain to resurface, as I lay in bed after waking from another short sleep I just want it all to cease but this is a pain that has embedded itself in my very soul to become a part of my being until the end of my days.

Arriving at work the air is still and the winds are calm the presence of sadness lurking around me, as I approach my place of work it was as if I was walking towards purgatory itself a darkened hole in which broken dreams were laid for all to see.

Taking off my battered coat I turn to see a ghost of my past approaching me with haste to utter these words “can I have a minute of your time, that’s all I want” against all my better judgement I let “April” into the office… her hand shaking with almost incoherent speech from the borderline of hyperventilation and fear she says to me “I don’t know what you have heard or who has told you but its not true” her words fell on deaf ears as I could hardly look at her but when I did I saw a broken mess trying desperately to claw back some of the dignity that she used to have “I am sorry for what I have done and how I have lied” more and more she spoke… rambled as if she was trying to justify her actions to me.

As sincere and brave as her confession might have seemed all I saw was more lies spouted in an effort to protect herself and excuse the indescribable amount of pain she has caused me… a pain she is still causing me. “I have to live with what I have done” more idealistic dribble to sooth her own guilt and anguish. She seems to forget people talk and one way or another what she has said about me behind closed doors will always find its way to my ears because of peoples curiosity because clearly I was a disturbed and malicious individual to have made up all the feelings that we had for each other.

Even all those seconds she was stood in front of me apologising her words and use of language were not of sadness for the hurt she has caused me but for her own self pity trying once again to convince an audience of the purity of her heart such acts were now wasted on me I thought I knew her…. I was wrong.

Waiting for her silence I open the door and say only this “get out” I could feel myself holding back every emotion I had trying to force its way out, I felt the tears filling my eyes and the pain that resided so deep in me splitting me in two for all the time she was stood in front of me it was clear that she did not care about me only herself she had unwittingly given me more proof that she was not the person I once thought Kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and loving no she was a selfish, spiteful, malicious individual who would use any means she saw fit to achieve her desired outcome be that words of concern, guilt, regret or even love as long as she achieved what she wanted it did not matter on her choice of weapon.

I would have loved this woman until time itself ceased to exist because I truly believed she was the one and fought so hard to prove this to her and even went as far as opening up completely which I have only ever done for her but instead of being the king that would have stood beside her queen through the game of life I was instead a pawn disposable and easy to sacrifice.

“If you only knew what it was like to wake up everyday and have no reason to get up you might understand a fraction of the pain I suffer”   

I Hate the way…

I hate the way you’ve made me feel

I hate the way you lied

I hate the way you drew me in when you looked deep into my eyes

I hate the way you made me smile and brought happiness to life

I hate the way I opened up for you to pass me by

I hate you made me laugh and think that you were mine

Now all I do is hate all the time

To hold you close and not let go used to be my dream

dreams haunt us all and we ask why

There’s nothing left for me to say except for goodbye

No hopeful words or wandering thoughts

All that’s left is pain

No Love no feelings no more to say

Just what you left to die

I hope your happy with your life so mine can carry on

But I won’t forget that once in time I thought you were the one

Heart Wrenching Words

“You think you are protected from all that can hurt you from all that can bring you down but all it takes is a few simple to bring the walls crashing down”

Enjoying the comfort of my brother “Dante” helped ease my troubled mind and provided a release from both of our own personal hells, I could still see the broken look behind his eyes just as he could see mine neither of us said a word but we knew.

Finishing our activities we descend into the local coffee shop and we are greeted by a friend of mine “Julia” sharing a smile we all sit together and begin to put the worlds to rights the turn in the conversation that approached me was unseen and nothing could have prepared me for it. As we spoke more about my place of work “Julia” mentioned about the web of lies that had been spun regarding my situation as she knew a large part of the early story, she had been speaking to a close friend of “Kains” and this is what she told me “Matt told me that she has to Kain that there was never anything between you two and she did not know where you got your ideas from and that she never cared for me in the way I described, there was nothing between us to quote her”.

I fell silent upon those words “there was nothing between us” my eyes burned as if hit with white hot fire my heart felt a searing pain that would have crippled me if I had not been sat down, the pain of these words I had heard was greater than any I had experienced so far. It seemed that I had been made out to be the one who just created a world in my own head that was not real, I created the way she felt about me because I was seemingly so twisted I needed to be loved, I had been portrayed as a psycho for the recent months that have past…

How could someone I felt so strongly for be so cruel…. So spiteful…. So Evil.

Fighting back a typhoon of raw emotion I bid “Julia” farewell and sat with “Dante” his face stunned by what he had heard and a look of sorrow filled his face. We continued to talk about various subjects and all the time I was holding back the tears.

As I write this staring out of the window watching the rain I think to myself, People are cruel and seem to enjoy the tormenting others purely for their own personal satisfaction in an attempt to lower their victims self-esteem to a level as low as theirs so they no longer feel alone.

“I loved once, now there is only a continuing hurt that keeps me awake at night”

Tempestuous Thoughts

“A raging storm of emotion crashes through the confides of my mind, unrelenting and unstoppable”

Spending the weekend at a wedding I was confronted by an overwhelming flood of happiness form the guests who could see only happiness in the future of this young family, smile as I might I was filled with a deep sorrow. My gaze was caught by couples spread throughout the room and I noticed one thing in particular a vacant look with an empty smile as these couple held each other in a “Loving Embrace” saddest things was I saw this even in the bride and groom… on a day that should have filled them with elation and emotion so powerful it could stop time itself all I saw was these couple were missing something, that deeper look that affected the whole face showing true emotion not just a plastered fallacy.

I began to think inwardly “Maybe I only want to see others pain to easy my own suffering?” I continued to look for these small moments that if captured on camera would echo through the ages and have people looking upon them in awe with a hope that they would one day be that happy.

Hours pass and the night draws to an end and the last dance is announced, asking a friend to get up and dance I slowly walk her to the floor and begin to dance “I didn’t know you could dance” she said, this made me smile “well I’m full of surprises” listening to the words of the song an elderly couple catch my eye slowly pacing in the corner of the room holding one another closer than all others I had seen before them as the song ended I watch this illustrious old couple and see the first genuine sign of happiness I had seen all day, a look that made my heart ache because once I had someone who looked at me like that.

The old couple gave me hope that one day I might find a person with eyes so beautiful I could get lost in them just as I did hers all that time ago.

A Moment of Sadness

“2am is the time it hits you, 2am is your deepest moment of thought 2am is when you think of everything someone meant to you and realise you still miss them”

The acceptance of pain is hard and our bodies fight it every step of the way, we look on the positive side of life’s challenges and all that we learn from them and all that they give us but sometimes but sometimes we are hit by that rush of emotion that reduces even the strongest of us to tears even if only briefly before we regain control.

Staring into the dark embrace of the night with only the whistling of the wind the rustling of the leaves and the silent sobbing that leaks from our hearts we remain silent keeping these feelings buried deep in the hope that one day they pain would reside and we would suffer torment no more.

Do we ever really let go of our memories that we hold so dear? The memories linked in song words, places, smells/scents  and more that cause us to remember a time of bliss and elation for at that time we thought we had everything. Do we let go of those same memories that make us smile but also hold a curse that pierces our hearts without warning or hesitation and brings us back to reality and the acceptance of choices made by ourselves and those who we thought we knew.

Days turn to weeks, weeks to month & months to years and life goes on….. people go on.

Looking into the eyes of our fellow man can give us the chance to see what is in their hearts but those few will have a look that says “I am strong, I can help you, I am always here” these are the same people who notice the small things, these people are the good friends who you can always depend on, there people are the ones who have been forever scared and find happiness in helping others because it gives them comfort to see others smile.

These are the people who lay away at 2am with thoughts that make them remember once they too were happy.

These are people that live in hope to find each other and be understood, to be accepted and not left asking that ominous question that resonates with pain each time it is asked “Why?”.

These are the people who for all their strength eventually succumb to their emotion at only one time 2am… are you one of those people?