Alone I Stand

“Standing at the base of the fallen and corrupted pillars the lands can be seen in their entirety, an approaching amasses of warriors charged forwards the fallen pillars. Stood alone, the warrior prepared for the fight ahead.

In my self-imposed solitude for the day I found myself devouring books and gaining more understanding of the smaller nuances of the human mind, As the day passes I hear from new found friends their company was appreciated but the news that they brought with them left me with a growing feeling of isolation and I was soon going to have to fight an uphill battle to absolve the villainous status I seemed to have acquired.

The news my friends came baring was of talk at my place of work, it seemed that the wheels of fate began to turn, spinning an even more tangled web of half-truth’s. It transpired that “Kain” had been asked by fellow friends on what had happened, the details seemed broken and incomplete but allowed me a glimpse onto the severity of climb I was going to have to make against the acquisitions that were laid at my feet.

There are people who know my tale and knew the messages I had been sent over the past months and the feelings I had, it would seem I might need the entire collection of these if stood any chance of fighting off the impending onslaught I faced.

The realisation that someone you loved so much and would have sacrificed anything for did nothing to defend you a few days prior when the chance was presented it a truly devastating feeling, it was as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and now an empty stillness inhabited the place where my once beating heart resided.

When “April” was confronted by her father why did she not tell him of all the things she had told me? All the fear she had, the loss of confidence and the so called mess she was in? “April” was either that scared of “Jay” or she truly had no feeling for me and the words were fallacies. Either way everything was shrouded in confusion and the task of trying to distinguish fact from fiction was incredible. Funny thing was I still cared for her and the image of her distressed she look that Sunday night was being brought to the forefront of my mind with surprising frequency along with how she ran after “Jay” scratching at his heels seeking forgiveness and redemption, something was not right and since I had nothing to lose I may as well prepare for the oncoming barrage of question.

Residing where my heart used to beat with such passion the harrowing emptiness that replaced it was still riddled with feelings for “April” looking at her that day she was not the girl I fell in love with the girl I saw before me that day was a shadow with her burning fire almost extinguished, the sight of this made my soul ache, all people in their right minds who I have spoken to has said walk away and start again, run away from all the darkness that had infested my life.

Try as I might to disconnect I still cared for her and was worried. The saddest thing is what we could have had will never be. I also began to wonder if what “April” said about her family, friends and her mother sharing my concern was true or not?

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Abject Humiliation

“Time passes by and we feel a deepening sense of humiliation, vae vicits”

Days had passed since the events that have caused so much anguish, I once again found myself alone with a million thoughts swamping my mind. I still struggled to understand how I seemed to the full force of the malice that had been gathered from the situation, the only answer or theory I had was a simple one. 

I had been lied to all along, everything I was told was to keep me in the picture but also in the dark, shrouded in mystery to satisfy someone’s lust for attention then to be cast off at a whim and portrayed as the catalyst for her suffering to protect what supposed false reality she had told me she was living, if that was even true?

Solitude allows one to expand your view and gain a larger perspective on the events that had transpired. I began to wonder if anything I had been told by “April” was true, her apparent unhappiness and spiralling decent into despair? her concerned mother calling her almost daily because of overwhelming feelings of worry? The depiction of “Jay” she had given being needy, insecure, controlling and aggressive? I was unable to discern true for fallacy.

According to “April” her mother knew the same story I did and was he was losing.her daughter and watching her change and degrade from the beautiful person she was into a shell.  I doubted the true in these supposed fact I was told, to have allowed myself to ignore my head and follow my heart so blindly has left me feeling humiliated and hurt.

Deciding to open up to someone and delve into feelings that I had long been afraid to accept due to the fear of getting hurt had taught me a valuable lessons, accepting all of your feelings is what you have to do to fall in love but also to know when your feelings are being toyed with so that you would be able to distinguish between those who love you and those who lust after you.

I felt no bitterness towards “April” or “Jay” and nothing towards “kain” even after his threats,  the feelings I had for her were real and they helped change me I to a better person and  allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way than I ever thought possible, a deeper understanding of a broken heart and the simple truth that all people want is to have someone listen and not judge.

Would I ever be absolved of these accusations I was hearing of? Probably not but I had based my choices on the wellbeing and concern for someone else, someone I loved. Was it a mistake in the place and time I chose enough was enough? Yes, at least I got a honest answer from it all and.I will always pray for her happiness.

The only thing that can truly change a person is a broken heart.