Still Fighting

Fate has promised more twists and turns before this drama unfolds completely.

After what seems like an eternity “April” finally took a risk and asked me to meet her, a state of calm ran through my aching body I knew this was the calm before the storm and when I saw her everything was going to erupt in a volcanic burst of emotion I just hoped I could contain it.

As I walk towards her car I can see her and I feel the butterflies in my stomach, my head begins to spin, my legs begin to weaken and my heart begins to race as it does every time I see her. I sit with her and I can see when I look into her beautiful eyes so much that she is holding back not only her love and feelings for me but something else and that frightened me.

We began to talk and I started to learn some frightening truths about her state of mind “jay” had beaten her down, her confidence was at an all time low and she was frightened of him, it would seem what ever the problems were in their relationship she was always to blame….. this made my blood boil I could feel a foreboding sense amassing over me. “April” then gave me the letter she had told me so much about so I sat and read it.

Her words answered almost all the questions I had but the confirmed what my heart was telling me and what my fractured mind hoped to be true… she was still in love with me and she wasn’t happy. I was told by her that she had been forbidden to speak to me specifically by “Jay” When I asked her why she is still with him if he is making her this unhappy her answer was “I don’t know” This time I was not going to accept anything less than the truth so I pressed her further “I feel needed by him, I’m all he has in the world” these words cut deep because he had driven her confidence that low that she almost believed everything he said.

How I controlled the malice that had amassed towards him I will not know, After speaking with her further I discovered just how bad he was making her feel. We looked at each other and I pulled her close and held her tight, she threw her arms around me holding on so tight as to not want to let go, we finally broke from our embrace and I just looked into her eyes “that look you have for me never changes… even after all this” words of sheer surprise from “April” she could not understand why I still looked at her this way yet the answer was simple I am in love with her, more than she seems to realise. “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you” she cried, hearing this made my heart ache, looking her straight in the eye I said “you do deserve me April”.

More time passed in what seemed like only minutes, I could feel a creeping darkness approaching as her body started to recoil as she noticed the time…. my time left with her grew short. We speak more and the way she is talking was very typical of someone who is trying to lie but she is not trying to lie to anyone but herself and convince herself things will be ok with “Jay” I had to do something to break this cycle of despair she was in and soon or I fear I will lose her and she will lose who she is.

“April” saw how late it was and checked her phone to find a barrage of messages and missed calls from “Jay” demanding to know where she was I say a blind panic take hold of her she began to shake uncontrollably her breathing became rapid and shallow she had a vacant stare akin to that of someone in an abusive relationship I shouted at her “Snap out of it! you owe him nothing, he is a weak pathetic little boy with no self esteem, paranoia & insecurities  who is dragging you down!” Her panic was subdued only momentarily While she was clam I felt safe for her to drive home as she left I could see it in her eyes….he had her so frightened and scared it was clear what I had to do.

I walked for hours to calm myself down resisting the temptation to strangle him! it was getting late in the night and I finally calmed down and my immeasurable malice for him was controlled. As I lay there in the dark I could not sleep for worrying about her, I made a choice and I hopped to god it was gong to help pull her out of this situation.

People ask where my strength… its from not wanting to see the woman I love suffer and I would do anything for her regardless of if she is with me or not because she deserves to be happy and right now she isn’t.

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