An Empty Feeling

The choices of yesterday shape who we are today and our choices today shape who we become in the future.

I have never written so much it seems to be my only outlet that keeps me on the right side of sane despite my grammatical errors and clear lack of spell check.

As I find myself looking out into the darkness of the night I listen to the wind and begin to think how it is constant the only difference is the speed and force of which it hits us, if all life was as easy or predictable as changing winds life would be a simple thing but alas it is not. The more I replay today in my mind the more I see the subtle little changes in posture, the small tells, the answers said to distract or confuse to buy more time it would seem and the most harrowing of all a vacant look as I sat a poured my heart out no emotion or empathy nothing.

Those once beautiful eyes that housed so much joy, compassion, wonder and hope were instead replaced by a glazed look or worry, doubt, fear, regret and despair. Maybe I was seeing to much? Maybe not but it was clear that the girl I once knew had slipped away because of the constant barrage of emotional blackmail & taunts.

The things “April” had told me about how she felt resonated in my head and I felt a sense of dissonance because how can a person go from letting herself go while she saw me yesterday evening and having the first natural smile I have seen her have in months to the vacant marionette I saw today beckoning to her masters call. This sight hurt far more than the words she shouted at me before they walked away.

Why did I choose to confront them both and betray her trust by telling “Jay” that she had been coming back to me? I did it because what is happening to her is not healthy and it will only get worse…. Every time we spoke she admitted more to me about her supposed true feelings, What option did I have? Sit by and do nothing or risk everything at my place of work to try and pull her out? I told her is she was to break away to do it in a neutral place or her own home her response “Jay won’t come to mine” I was not surprised this is because he was a frightened little boy who did not need an equal he needed a mother, someone to be at his beck and call and being the fool she was “April” rallied to this cause because she felt needed and wanted by someone even if it was for all the wrong reasons and he treated her badly but what more could I do.

The sheer temptation to give the letter to “Jay” was overwhelming but I subdued these feelings. I lay here and instead of feel sorry for myself I pray that she is ok, even after the way I have been treated it matters not because I fear she is still not happy she is making bad choices through clouded judgement… perhaps trying to force the break and give her the extra push she needed will only push her closer to him because as she said “this is what I know”

Those words uttered by her leave a deep sense of sadness that is all she knows? To live such a life is something I would not wish on my enemies let alone someone I am… I was in love with.  One of my close friends asked me how I felt. I hadn’t give it much thought I was more concerned for “April” and hoped she was at home in the loving embrace of her family but I doubted it.

Why make such an effort to see me yesterday if only to crack and go backwards?  

Led in the dark with nothing but my thoughts and the wind occupying my fractured mind I felt almost numb like something was missing almost like I had lost a part of myself even though as a person I had evolved to a higher place than I ever thought possible I still felt like I had lost my arm. This was the beginning of what I could see being an endless road with constant reminders of what was lost.

I felt empty, there was a void where my heart once resided.

There will often be a choice in your life where you have to pick one outcome or another I say place your faith and trust in a coin and flip it… the coin will make no real different but you will be secretly hoping for it to land one way and that is your true choice and is what you want.

Take a risk especially if like me you have nothing to lose.

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My letter

Words like footsteps in the sand can be erased and made a new.

Some time back I mentioned I wrote a letter for “April” this letter was my very heart and soul and in it I opened my heart, why am I deciding to post it? I have endured so much torment and finally everything has ended, she removed me from the last place we still spoke it is clear now that she is.. was not who I thought she was and I opened my heart to the wrong person and tried with all my being to fight for her like the fool I was. I can move forwards with no regret because each day I am more than what I was and can look forwards to the future because I will be more than I am today.

Here was my very essence, my heart & soul laid bare nothing more nothing less.

April,

I couldn’t hand write this because well my hand writing is terrible, but this is how I really feel…

I have loved you from that first summers day we spent together, as I led there on the grass looking up at you I thought “this girl is so beautiful” the pink dress with the hearts made your figure look amazing (your ass in specific) yet you hid your eyes with your glasses but when you took them off and I looked into your beautiful eyes I knew that you where the one.

You love the simple things and I love that about you, it’s not about the material possessions it’s about helping people for no reason or thought of reward and meeting you made me see this and open myself up to let people in so they can see the real me,  for that I thank you.

Your eyes your smile your laugh everything about you is perfect and the best part for me was you understood me better than anyone else you could look at me and I felt so at easy, so at peace. You are kind, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, caring, generous, loyal, the love you have for your family is amazing and well there is so much more I could say but I would be here for hours. To me you are everything and those times we spent together I was so proud when people looked at us because you were with me and we were happy.

I know I have made mistakes and things have been hard. I pushed you away yet I have drawn strength from you because of the way you still look at me to keep fighting for you. The strength I get from you is incredible I feel I can take on anything. I want to be your pillar of strength & the one you turn too when you need someone.

The way you look at me is breath-taking each time you do it takes me back because you can see everything… I want you to see everything. Time seems to have no relevance when I’m with you hours pass like minutes and when I think of the memories we already have it makes me smile.  If I think about my future, I cannot think of a future without you in it I can’t imagine myself waking up every day for the rest of my life and you not being there.

When I am with you I feel like one person, when you hold me close I never want to let you go. At times you speak of the feeling of total lack of control when you’re with me but I feel exactly the same, and I wouldn’t change that feeling.

I spoke to you once about how I am in myself with the castle that has the mote with the crocodile (his name is Charlie), I have let people in and they some have even got through the yards and into the castle. Some stop at certain rooms and that’s as far as they go a select couple have made it into the court rooms and that is the furthest they have got.

There is one last room and that is where I am sat alone and have been for years waiting yet never really wanting to let anyone in because I knew they were not the one.

I want you to be that person who comes in and sits next to me and who I can grow old with and share a lifetime of memories.

You know how I feel and its simple being with you for me is enough.

I love you with all my heart and soul ,Okay.  

This Ends Now

 

Madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push for it to take effect.

I did not sleep through the night, all I could think about was how I saw “April” decend into a state of fear and panic. She had spoken to some of her family that night as I asked her too,she was making bad choices and I was trying to help pull her out of the black hole she had fallen in.

The morning comes and I see her at my work we talk and get on with what we are doing and then she leaves, later in the day she comes back I could see in her eyes she was going to go back to “Jay” so this time I needed to know why, I mentioned that I had asked a mutual friend for “Kains” number she knew as he asked her why, I could see the stress in her and it hurt me to see that she was once again going to go back to him and take the easy option… the cowards option. She started trying to justify his actions and described it as “it is what im used too” one thing that cut deep was her saying “he says he needs me” I became enraged and decided to tell her how i felt.

Hurt, led on, confused and more I finished by telling her that she was being cruel, if everything she had said to me was true then why act the way she was? I went on to say perhaps you like having me there just encase, perhaps she enjoys playing with my feelings. All the time she just sat there quiet looking at a single spot what had happened to the girl I fell in love with? had she been broken down or was this really her? She began to talk and describe how she is not happy and how some days he makes her feel on top of the world and others he drags her down and makes her feel worthless, My mind struggled to comprehend why you would stay in a relationship like this, was she that weak? I was giving her all the strength I could to try and help her get out of this and break away but it seemed she did not want to.

More time passed and she finally started answering questions properly, she said she does not make choices for her any more she has “Jay” saying one thing, her family another and then her friends opinions. I looked her square in the eye and said the only thing I have ever said to you is to be true to yourself and make a choice to make yourself happy, she went quiet.

My words to her seem to be falling on deaf ears, does she not realise how much I truly love her? I said to her that I am not her choice because if I was she would be with me and nothing would stop her and again her response was nothing…. saying those words hurt me to my very soul. I asked her for an honest answer for me and all I kept getting was “I didn’t ask you to be here or wait for me” each time a diversion because she did not want to be honest with me I said “you may as well be totally honest with how you feel about me because you can’t cause me any more pain than you already have” and again nothing.

The day started to grow short and I finally broke through which seemed so familiar, she told me “I want to be happy” I asked and who do you want to do it for? “for me” she said, maybe now she would do what needed to be done and break away from “Jay” and then as I knew he arrived at my work.

He had a look of disgust for seeing her talking to me and called out “April come here” and she ran to him like a dog running to its master that would soon cower as his feet. I called to her “April don’t do it” but my cries fell to the winds as she went to him…. My mind snapped and I heard myself say “This ends now!”

I followed them in and get between them “Jay” claims it is none of my business and to stay out of it pushing me away enough was enough I told him how he was making her feel he just looked back at me with an attitude as if to say “yea, and?” I could feel my anger building and starting to flow through me like the rivers of Hades. “April” started getting scared and trying to claw at him like an animal that had upset its master and was seeking forgiveness I could not believe my eyes how could someone be reduced to this. I found myself telling “Jay” more and more he then posed the question to her “so who is it me or him” I told him “it’s not a competition, she is with you not me but you cant see how you are making her feel” he then said “ok if that’s the case April come home with me now” and again she followed clawing at him reaching for his had to try and redeem herself seeing this tore even more I followed them and he began to push me back, He had a look of fear in his eyes towards me.

More steps and more screams from “April” caught the attention of al the people surrounding us I asked her “ok tell me do you love me?” she hesitated and didn’t answer I pressed again and again she said “No” “Okay, tell me you’re not in love with me and I will walk away” she answered “I am not in love with you” I demanded her to say it again so she screamed “I am not in love with you!” to that end I said “Fine” looking at “Jay” to see a smug look on his face and I walked away as he left with his puppet pulling her along by her strings.

Hearing those words cut through me yet I did not break, I went back to work and contacted our mutual friend for “Kains” number again and explained briefly what happened he still would not give it to me, then I had a phone call from a polite woman with “Kains” number I called him immediately and told him where they had gone and that I was scared for her “Kain” said he would contact me later I told him “Thank you” now all I can do is wait…

Did she mean what she said? It matters not because the horrid fact is if she truly meant what she said and wanted to be with me she would be and nothing would stop her from that. All the things she had said to me clearly meant nothing. All this time she wanted me to be angry and hate her and to move on so that she would not feel guilty, she confessed earlier that she was worried about what he would do, the backlash from him, what he would say…. Her self-image was that important that she would even sacrifice her own happiness for it.

A child’s choice.

I have been to hell and further for this girl because of what I said to her in my letter…. Words that I had never said before no will again because I knew saying them to anyone else would be a lie, she had the chance to be happy with me (or so she said and claimed over these months) and it all comes down to today… she went with him… I would have protected her from him she could have stayed with me but she did not and so the cruel twists and turns of fate led us to this point and as I predicted I am the one who was hurt and took the brunt of it all. I was on the edge reaching out for her to take hold so I could pull her out of her self created hell and I would have fallen in to its depths if it meant I got her out.

The most foolish thing is for her I would do it all again. I would have given myself to her and loved her for all time, given her the respect she deserved and the love she deserved had she but taken a chance and risked his wrath, I would have protected her but alas now her world is crashing down around her all the lies and deceit brought forth I should no longer care about her after all of this yet I still do and always will…

Such is the fate of a madman.

Still Fighting

Fate has promised more twists and turns before this drama unfolds completely.

After what seems like an eternity “April” finally took a risk and asked me to meet her, a state of calm ran through my aching body I knew this was the calm before the storm and when I saw her everything was going to erupt in a volcanic burst of emotion I just hoped I could contain it.

As I walk towards her car I can see her and I feel the butterflies in my stomach, my head begins to spin, my legs begin to weaken and my heart begins to race as it does every time I see her. I sit with her and I can see when I look into her beautiful eyes so much that she is holding back not only her love and feelings for me but something else and that frightened me.

We began to talk and I started to learn some frightening truths about her state of mind “jay” had beaten her down, her confidence was at an all time low and she was frightened of him, it would seem what ever the problems were in their relationship she was always to blame….. this made my blood boil I could feel a foreboding sense amassing over me. “April” then gave me the letter she had told me so much about so I sat and read it.

Her words answered almost all the questions I had but the confirmed what my heart was telling me and what my fractured mind hoped to be true… she was still in love with me and she wasn’t happy. I was told by her that she had been forbidden to speak to me specifically by “Jay” When I asked her why she is still with him if he is making her this unhappy her answer was “I don’t know” This time I was not going to accept anything less than the truth so I pressed her further “I feel needed by him, I’m all he has in the world” these words cut deep because he had driven her confidence that low that she almost believed everything he said.

How I controlled the malice that had amassed towards him I will not know, After speaking with her further I discovered just how bad he was making her feel. We looked at each other and I pulled her close and held her tight, she threw her arms around me holding on so tight as to not want to let go, we finally broke from our embrace and I just looked into her eyes “that look you have for me never changes… even after all this” words of sheer surprise from “April” she could not understand why I still looked at her this way yet the answer was simple I am in love with her, more than she seems to realise. “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you” she cried, hearing this made my heart ache, looking her straight in the eye I said “you do deserve me April”.

More time passed in what seemed like only minutes, I could feel a creeping darkness approaching as her body started to recoil as she noticed the time…. my time left with her grew short. We speak more and the way she is talking was very typical of someone who is trying to lie but she is not trying to lie to anyone but herself and convince herself things will be ok with “Jay” I had to do something to break this cycle of despair she was in and soon or I fear I will lose her and she will lose who she is.

“April” saw how late it was and checked her phone to find a barrage of messages and missed calls from “Jay” demanding to know where she was I say a blind panic take hold of her she began to shake uncontrollably her breathing became rapid and shallow she had a vacant stare akin to that of someone in an abusive relationship I shouted at her “Snap out of it! you owe him nothing, he is a weak pathetic little boy with no self esteem, paranoia & insecurities  who is dragging you down!” Her panic was subdued only momentarily While she was clam I felt safe for her to drive home as she left I could see it in her eyes….he had her so frightened and scared it was clear what I had to do.

I walked for hours to calm myself down resisting the temptation to strangle him! it was getting late in the night and I finally calmed down and my immeasurable malice for him was controlled. As I lay there in the dark I could not sleep for worrying about her, I made a choice and I hopped to god it was gong to help pull her out of this situation.

People ask where my strength… its from not wanting to see the woman I love suffer and I would do anything for her regardless of if she is with me or not because she deserves to be happy and right now she isn’t.