The choices of yesterday shape who we are today and our choices today shape who we become in the future.
I have never written so much it seems to be my only outlet that keeps me on the right side of sane despite my grammatical errors and clear lack of spell check.
As I find myself looking out into the darkness of the night I listen to the wind and begin to think how it is constant the only difference is the speed and force of which it hits us, if all life was as easy or predictable as changing winds life would be a simple thing but alas it is not. The more I replay today in my mind the more I see the subtle little changes in posture, the small tells, the answers said to distract or confuse to buy more time it would seem and the most harrowing of all a vacant look as I sat a poured my heart out no emotion or empathy nothing.
Those once beautiful eyes that housed so much joy, compassion, wonder and hope were instead replaced by a glazed look or worry, doubt, fear, regret and despair. Maybe I was seeing to much? Maybe not but it was clear that the girl I once knew had slipped away because of the constant barrage of emotional blackmail & taunts.
The things “April” had told me about how she felt resonated in my head and I felt a sense of dissonance because how can a person go from letting herself go while she saw me yesterday evening and having the first natural smile I have seen her have in months to the vacant marionette I saw today beckoning to her masters call. This sight hurt far more than the words she shouted at me before they walked away.
Why did I choose to confront them both and betray her trust by telling “Jay” that she had been coming back to me? I did it because what is happening to her is not healthy and it will only get worse…. Every time we spoke she admitted more to me about her supposed true feelings, What option did I have? Sit by and do nothing or risk everything at my place of work to try and pull her out? I told her is she was to break away to do it in a neutral place or her own home her response “Jay won’t come to mine” I was not surprised this is because he was a frightened little boy who did not need an equal he needed a mother, someone to be at his beck and call and being the fool she was “April” rallied to this cause because she felt needed and wanted by someone even if it was for all the wrong reasons and he treated her badly but what more could I do.
The sheer temptation to give the letter to “Jay” was overwhelming but I subdued these feelings. I lay here and instead of feel sorry for myself I pray that she is ok, even after the way I have been treated it matters not because I fear she is still not happy she is making bad choices through clouded judgement… perhaps trying to force the break and give her the extra push she needed will only push her closer to him because as she said “this is what I know”
Those words uttered by her leave a deep sense of sadness that is all she knows? To live such a life is something I would not wish on my enemies let alone someone I am… I was in love with. One of my close friends asked me how I felt. I hadn’t give it much thought I was more concerned for “April” and hoped she was at home in the loving embrace of her family but I doubted it.
Why make such an effort to see me yesterday if only to crack and go backwards?
Led in the dark with nothing but my thoughts and the wind occupying my fractured mind I felt almost numb like something was missing almost like I had lost a part of myself even though as a person I had evolved to a higher place than I ever thought possible I still felt like I had lost my arm. This was the beginning of what I could see being an endless road with constant reminders of what was lost.
I felt empty, there was a void where my heart once resided.
There will often be a choice in your life where you have to pick one outcome or another I say place your faith and trust in a coin and flip it… the coin will make no real different but you will be secretly hoping for it to land one way and that is your true choice and is what you want.
Take a risk especially if like me you have nothing to lose.