Why Keep Fighting?

All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you…

I sit quietly and calmly to the outside world everything seems serene and tranquil yet beneath the exterior I had endless torment and pain for the simple fact of there is nothing I can do but sit and watch as the path before me unfolds. More message from “April” toil with my mind if I am to believe everything she says it means she is scared… something she said stuck in my mind “do you know what its like for me to do anything without having to explain it to someone” these words twisted my very heart for it cried out to believe them yet my mind was telling me that these are machinations to keep me chained to this wheel of loveless fate.

All of the time this was running through my head someone I knew asked if I was ok to which I answered “I’m fine” the illusion I cast was enough to keep people out for now. I bumped into a close friend who knew of the situation and also knew that I had been talking to a lot of people recently because I had become more open with my feelings and empathetic more and more people seemed to trust me and open themselves to me without hesitation or fear. I was helping people to get through their troubles without the thought of reward but because it was the right thing to do as all the people I have helped so far had no one else to turn to, “Ben” asked me how can you hold up so many and not expect yourself to buckle under the pressure?” my answer was simple and without hesitation “why not? everyone needs someone to talk too” he looked stunned but accepted my answer.

He went on to say “I wish I had your strength, do you know where it comes from?” I shrugged my shoulders and said no… I knew exactly where I got it from, I drew strength from the very same things that was driving me mad, the words that “April” was saying to me. Some will say “foolishness Genesis, Foolishness” but when you have nothing left to lose you may as well fight for everything that could be. 

We spoke more about how he was doing and soon after parted company his last words stuck in my mind “I hope it works out for you” it was said with hesitation and emphasis on the word Hope… he knew as well as I did that I was on a fools endeavour.

My question to people is this, why do you let your head rule your heart? throw caution to the wind and take a chance it is better to risk it all than live with regret of missed opportunities of what could have been.

Tourtured Soul

“My friend do we fly away now from a world that abhors you and I”

Days Passed since “April” had told me about how desperately she missed me and I had heard no more from her. Her messages went from “I have something for you tomorrow morning” to “one way or another I will get the letter to you by this day” and then the day came that she had promised to keep too, I was at work and tried as hard as possible to quite the onslaught of emotion and thoughts that caused the internal conflict that had taken hold of me.

As the day transitioned into night as I had fear I saw and heard nothing from her, my heart grew heavy and a amassing sense of despair began to loom over me. After speaking to her those couple of days prior I had taken a picture for her with the hope of it making her smile, my mind toiled with sending it via message but I knew that she had blocked my me from everything and would not receive it so instead I took a chance and posted it in the last place we still had that only we knew about.

I left work and started my journey home in the rain  and felt a presence behind me, as I turned I saw her driving past me I know she saw me because she turned to look at me but she kept driving and left me to walk alone in the rain. As the night drew in I grew weary and found myself slipping in and out of consciousness, I came back into reality to find she had put up some messages for me one asking “did you do this for me?” in reference to the picture I had taken for her my answer was yes she also posted on another picture “did you see me today?” I found this strange as she must have seen my turn and look straight at her, my mind began become filled with thoughts dark and light I was hoping that she would say “I am waiting for you, with the letter” and I heard nothing, once again the hope that I had allowed into my heart was crushed and I was left with an empty feeling and a pain that is imply indescribable. I slip into the land of dreams and escape my pain even if only briefly.

The morning beckons… As I awake I feel nothing but despair and pain. I had once again let her get into my head and play with my emotions giving me more false hopes because I wanted t believe the words she said as my heart cried out for her, my very soul feels twisted and torn because I believed with all of me being that she was the other half of me and yet she was being so cruel.

If all of her words are true then why is she with “Jay” why is she torturing me in this impertinent manor? is it revenge for how I made her feel? does she get some grim satisfaction if knowing that I truly love her and she can just play with my emotions at a whim? or perhaps this was who she really was…. a cruel manipulative individual who was so worried about her own self image and what people opinions of her are that she will not follow what she claims are her hearts desires all for the sake of making everyone else happy even if she is not?….. All I wanted from her was the truth and all I seem to get is lies, deceit and omission.

I had opened my heart & soul to her and given myself to her and for all the time she claimed that she feels the same all I can see now are lies. Lies from not a woman a girl, a girl who is playing games.