The Hard Choice

My soul pure are released from corruption, my heart free from all hate. There is no sorrow only joy remains my friend will you fly away with me now?

More time had passed and I had still not had seen “April” my heart grew heavy and my soul tired yet the more time that passed the more I was able to accept all of the thoughts that not long ago that had corrupted the pillars of strength that I had relied on in my mind for so long. Why did I fight so long? My honest answer if because of everything she had given me, everything she had unlocked in my making me complete… I feared losing myself again and falling backwards into a decent to a place she had helped my climb out of.

The empathy, compassion, enlightenment that had been bestowed upon me was incredible and she was the reason. I still made mistakes and will possibly continue to make new mistakes but all things considered we are only human. For so long I had fought against what I knew to be true… The pain I had caused her on that Ill-fated day had cut through her very soul and my actions thereafter only left her feeling unloved and unwanted, for that I was truly sorry.

“April” deserved everything Love, security, devotion and more I wanted to offer her and alas I didn’t make it known and someone else offered it to her when she needed it the most after being so let down by me. These thoughts became clear each day that passed.

I met another lost soul wandering the ether and could see the internal struggle she was fighting. We decided to go for coffee and chat “Claire” and I sat for hours talking about things and little by little she began to open up and I started to see that she was in the same place I was for almost the same reasons. Giving her comfort and advice from my own experience had an unexpected effect as I saw her mood lift we talked some more before it was time to leave and she said this to me “Thank you, No one else seemed to understand I know what I have to do now” and we parted company. I received a message from her later that evening and she had broken away from the vicious circle she was ensnared in. This made me smile and as I walked back to work, while walking I found myself thinking of what I had told her “once you find yourself you will understand what it is to love and be ready to give yourself to someone” I had found myself and feared losing that but I was changed forever I would never be who I was before because I had now allowed myself to allow all of my emotions to become a part of my life even though “April” had chosen a different path I was still me the realisation of this was like flying and do you know what “flying feels pretty good”.

Arriving back at work I feel calm for the first time in months and then I see her… it felt like I had been taken out at the knees everything went weak and my mind began to stir the tension was incredible and it was as if all I could see was her and nothing else I once again found myself on the precipice of madness. We didn’t make eye contact as I passed to go into the office, I could feel her anxiety it was like a black hole drawing me in but I didn’t make any attempt to approach her. As she left I looked over at her to see such conflict in her and it was then I saw what I had to do… As much pain as this would cause me I needed to remove her from the last place we were still connected and cut the last tie so we can both be free of the self-perpetuation agony. This final decision would mean I would never get the answers I craved but after talking to “Claire” today I learnt this one lesson that has given me the strength to do what I need to do… “make a choice that will make you happy, do not fear you’re loss for you will lose yourself fighting an internal battle with your fear and in the end the fear will win leaving a broken shell of who you could have been”.

I posted one last thing for her so she would know that I will always love her. Deleting the link tore my heart & soul but it had to be done.  

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