The Hard Choice

My soul pure are released from corruption, my heart free from all hate. There is no sorrow only joy remains my friend will you fly away with me now?

More time had passed and I had still not had seen “April” my heart grew heavy and my soul tired yet the more time that passed the more I was able to accept all of the thoughts that not long ago that had corrupted the pillars of strength that I had relied on in my mind for so long. Why did I fight so long? My honest answer if because of everything she had given me, everything she had unlocked in my making me complete… I feared losing myself again and falling backwards into a decent to a place she had helped my climb out of.

The empathy, compassion, enlightenment that had been bestowed upon me was incredible and she was the reason. I still made mistakes and will possibly continue to make new mistakes but all things considered we are only human. For so long I had fought against what I knew to be true… The pain I had caused her on that Ill-fated day had cut through her very soul and my actions thereafter only left her feeling unloved and unwanted, for that I was truly sorry.

“April” deserved everything Love, security, devotion and more I wanted to offer her and alas I didn’t make it known and someone else offered it to her when she needed it the most after being so let down by me. These thoughts became clear each day that passed.

I met another lost soul wandering the ether and could see the internal struggle she was fighting. We decided to go for coffee and chat “Claire” and I sat for hours talking about things and little by little she began to open up and I started to see that she was in the same place I was for almost the same reasons. Giving her comfort and advice from my own experience had an unexpected effect as I saw her mood lift we talked some more before it was time to leave and she said this to me “Thank you, No one else seemed to understand I know what I have to do now” and we parted company. I received a message from her later that evening and she had broken away from the vicious circle she was ensnared in. This made me smile and as I walked back to work, while walking I found myself thinking of what I had told her “once you find yourself you will understand what it is to love and be ready to give yourself to someone” I had found myself and feared losing that but I was changed forever I would never be who I was before because I had now allowed myself to allow all of my emotions to become a part of my life even though “April” had chosen a different path I was still me the realisation of this was like flying and do you know what “flying feels pretty good”.

Arriving back at work I feel calm for the first time in months and then I see her… it felt like I had been taken out at the knees everything went weak and my mind began to stir the tension was incredible and it was as if all I could see was her and nothing else I once again found myself on the precipice of madness. We didn’t make eye contact as I passed to go into the office, I could feel her anxiety it was like a black hole drawing me in but I didn’t make any attempt to approach her. As she left I looked over at her to see such conflict in her and it was then I saw what I had to do… As much pain as this would cause me I needed to remove her from the last place we were still connected and cut the last tie so we can both be free of the self-perpetuation agony. This final decision would mean I would never get the answers I craved but after talking to “Claire” today I learnt this one lesson that has given me the strength to do what I need to do… “make a choice that will make you happy, do not fear you’re loss for you will lose yourself fighting an internal battle with your fear and in the end the fear will win leaving a broken shell of who you could have been”.

I posted one last thing for her so she would know that I will always love her. Deleting the link tore my heart & soul but it had to be done.  

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Virtue

You don’t need a reason to help people.

As I sit and watch the world pass by I am looking at everything in a broader perspective taking every small detail in, nothing escapes my awareness form the vantage point I occupied. Good, bad, indifferent & impartial I see the world as a very different place.

The passion of the young with an uncorrected view on the world and little value for the life they have. The burdens of the adults as if they like atlas are carrying the weight of the world their shoulders. The wisdom of the wise those among us who have learnt life valuable lessons and hold true value to the gift of life yet not the time to bask in their knowledge.

Speaking to people spanning all age ranges I gather a deeper sense of self. A realisation that this is one of the lost arts of the world, listening. Men, woman, husbands & wife’s all talk but they don’t listen people are happy to disclose their problems to all who will listen, the difference is finding those people who want  listen without any ulterior motive or bias.

Random acts of kindness as shunned because we have become so accustomed to the law of “an eye for an eye”… problem is if it continues in this way the world will be left blind and unable to see what truly is beautiful in this world. These acts could build wonderful friendships, respect from strangers because you never know who you might help. 

So help people, talk to people, take a.genuine interest because once you get past all the smoke and mirrors you will find their true self question is will they be a friend who you can trust or something more… something special that one glimpse of light in an otherwise darkened world. Don’t be afraid to take a risk ok? Do you trust me…

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but only if you learn from it. I have and it was a painful lesson. Learn from my mistakes, learn from your friends and family, help without thought of reward and always listen as no story is not worth hearing they can open doors to places you can only dream of.

Each day I wake up and my first thoughts are always the same, the the cold steel blade of reality cuts through them straight to my very essence. Trying to move forwards can only be described as a constant struggle through an endless labyrinth with no sight of an end, I must persevere or I might spend the rest of my life lost dwelling on what could have been and miss what might be.

I would be telling a lie if I was to say just like that I was over “April”  I offered her my heart and all of my love to no avail. Yes I am hurt the more I allow my mind to delve into the thought I have kept out the more I ache, sadly this is how it must be to let go I need to allow all my emotions in… love, hate, hope, fear, confusion, compassion and more.

The hard part is going to sleep knowing I have  face it all again in the morning.