Future Glimpse

The Pillars now all but destroyed are where I will build my stronghold.

Today has been one of the hardest days I have faced so far not from any outside influence but because of the struggle within myself.

I awoke this morning after a sleepless night tired & alone with no one to turn too, the long walk home the night before was a time I showed true weakness and allowed my dark thoughts that I had banished into the depths to consume my mind.

The things I could tell people would cause heartache akin to my own….

I had spent today with friends and loved ones looking at them with a smile and repeating the words “I’m ok” apathy had coiled around my heart and as I watched the people walking the streets today I felt an undeniable sense of faithlessness.

After holding on for so long to the thoughts of what could have been, my heart finally succumbed to the inner conflict and began to lose hope.

While at work I say “Jay” walk in only to leave immediately with a morbid look on his face. He had left his belongings which meant only one thing… “April” could be outside. My mind began to race with thousands of potential unrealised realities, some time passed and he walked back in and I could see a smile that I have not seen in a while so natural and full of compassion…. It was then I realised that he had fallen in love with “April” the mind is a powerful thing and instantly I thought of her and how beautiful her smile is, perhaps she was smiling like this too?

I could feel apathy’s hold on my heart loosen, from the start I have wanted her to be happy and if she has a similar smile then why would I not want that for her? There are no great feelings between “Jay” and Myself yet I would still want her to be happy even if it is with him.

Later after a long day I found myself talking to “Sophie” she had tales of similar heart break and understood the place I was in yet she still held onto hope for her future happiness. Speaking with her helped ease my aching heart & soul.

Drifting off to sleep took me to a place where peoples futures have been decided in my own past, as I walk through the dreamscape I feel someone reach for my hand.. Turning to look I see a woman with a smile that says she is in love, this sight starts to restore a small fraction of lost hope. I can feel the love I have for this woman and it is almost feels like I’m flying yet almost perfect, we continue to walk and laugh. While walking we progress towards another couple in the distance as we draw ever closer to the couple I give a gentle nod the man, I see his partner and her smile is breath taking she has such beautiful our gazes lock and the moment seems to slow time almost to a halt. I can see something has been lost in her life, she is happy yet there is something missing… As we pass our eyes stay locked, our heads begin to turn for a brief moment then resume looking forwards.

The woman I am with asked “Who was that?” my reply was a deep breath & audible sigh followed by these words “No one”…….

The future will hold new hopes, dreams & people… yet to allow these amazing things to happen we must let go of the past.

Even though one person will always be in your heart.

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More Empty Words & False Hopes

The once strong pillars now stand corrupted and decaying. Their binding was beginning to fail, their strength beginning to falter. Soon they would no longer be able to hold back the darkness.

I have been quiet at work recently and have found myself in a local coffee shop on a regular basis just sitting alone with my thoughts, watching the people go about their life’s not really living life more just existing out of necessity with no empathy for the world around them.

Talking to random people on a daily basis is part of my job and I find them opening up to me telling me all their hopes & dreams along with their greatest fears. One thing I have noticed amongst everyone has the need to be accepted and conform, no one wants to take a risk, they would much rather be contempt and convince themselves they are happy.

I was talking to “Mia” not long ago and.she has had a very fractured past filled with lies and deception that have left her with a certain distaste for the words uttered by people.

“Words a meaningless considering people past/present actions” 

As I speak to her “Mia” tells me of how she has met someone and they had a connection, as she tells me of “Lewis” her eyes filling with wild passion along with a resounding fear of letting her heart rule her head. The more we talk she says these words “I don’t want to be the reason he stays” this saddened my heart to hear, she had been so scared from letting someone get close and getting hurt that she felt almost unworthy of another’s love. 

I told her to go for it “Lewis” had asked her to go for a drink, I explained to let go of her fears, “people miss what could be just because they are scared.. too scared to be honest and open with their feelings. Don’t make the same  mistakes I have”. I broke through and she went, seeing her later that same evening I saw something change in her, maybe she was ready to take a risk.. a risk to be happy.

Again  I find myself walking in the rain as I begin to think each individual drop of rain that hits me is like a memory of “April” the words she used, the looks she gave me, the way we held each other in an embrace these memories made me smile. The more rain the fell the more thoughts flowed, I had forgotten what I had allowed to creep into my mind and my heart and suddenly I was hit with every dark thought at once and it overwhelmed me….

I started to look back through all the messages she had sent me over all this time, all the pictures and all the posts. I could see nothing but lies… all this time I had been living with false hope, all of “April’s” recent posts lead me to believe she is scared and longing for me, wanting to speak  me.. hold me… be with me.

I have grown tired from fighting the constant battles in my head, I was never going to be granted the respect I deserved or he answers I sought because if “April” told me she would lose her control…..

All of the feelings of love, respect, admiration and peace had been what I was drawing my endless strength from, then the one thought I had kept out of my mind finally broke through and just like that love became hate.

what might have been will now never be…..