The Pillars now all but destroyed are where I will build my stronghold.
Today has been one of the hardest days I have faced so far not from any outside influence but because of the struggle within myself.
I awoke this morning after a sleepless night tired & alone with no one to turn too, the long walk home the night before was a time I showed true weakness and allowed my dark thoughts that I had banished into the depths to consume my mind.
The things I could tell people would cause heartache akin to my own….
I had spent today with friends and loved ones looking at them with a smile and repeating the words “I’m ok” apathy had coiled around my heart and as I watched the people walking the streets today I felt an undeniable sense of faithlessness.
After holding on for so long to the thoughts of what could have been, my heart finally succumbed to the inner conflict and began to lose hope.
While at work I say “Jay” walk in only to leave immediately with a morbid look on his face. He had left his belongings which meant only one thing… “April” could be outside. My mind began to race with thousands of potential unrealised realities, some time passed and he walked back in and I could see a smile that I have not seen in a while so natural and full of compassion…. It was then I realised that he had fallen in love with “April” the mind is a powerful thing and instantly I thought of her and how beautiful her smile is, perhaps she was smiling like this too?
I could feel apathy’s hold on my heart loosen, from the start I have wanted her to be happy and if she has a similar smile then why would I not want that for her? There are no great feelings between “Jay” and Myself yet I would still want her to be happy even if it is with him.
Later after a long day I found myself talking to “Sophie” she had tales of similar heart break and understood the place I was in yet she still held onto hope for her future happiness. Speaking with her helped ease my aching heart & soul.
Drifting off to sleep took me to a place where peoples futures have been decided in my own past, as I walk through the dreamscape I feel someone reach for my hand.. Turning to look I see a woman with a smile that says she is in love, this sight starts to restore a small fraction of lost hope. I can feel the love I have for this woman and it is almost feels like I’m flying yet almost perfect, we continue to walk and laugh. While walking we progress towards another couple in the distance as we draw ever closer to the couple I give a gentle nod the man, I see his partner and her smile is breath taking she has such beautiful our gazes lock and the moment seems to slow time almost to a halt. I can see something has been lost in her life, she is happy yet there is something missing… As we pass our eyes stay locked, our heads begin to turn for a brief moment then resume looking forwards.
The woman I am with asked “Who was that?” my reply was a deep breath & audible sigh followed by these words “No one”…….
The future will hold new hopes, dreams & people… yet to allow these amazing things to happen we must let go of the past.
Even though one person will always be in your heart.