Are we really scared of just using the premises of fear as ground for control.
More days have gone by and I have continued with life as normal all the time walking around with a feeling that a part of my very essence is now missing. Speaking to friends the ones that know of my troubles and strife has all began to sing from the same sheet I was talking to Bianca and she has been as hopeful as I and even her words have become cold.. “let April go, she is not worth it. The way you have been treated and the way she is messing with your head is not right and its cruel” I sat and just listened wanting with all my heart to just be able to let go, I wanted to break free of this Ouroboros that my heart was caught in.
More days pass and I have still not been able to see “April” face to face even though I know it will achieve nothing but cause me more heart ache I still can’t help but want to set my gaze upon her even if only for a brief moment. At work it felt like I was in hell, every time someone came in or I heard the door open my heart jumped and my head began to spin and alas it was never her. The only person that seemed to now be a constant in my place of work was “Jay” after he had been becoming a less frequent visitor all of a sudden he was back… each time I looked at him we smiled and said hello the tension was incredible our smiles were false and done with gritted teeth and hollow meaning, it looked as if he wanted to say something to me but each time got close enough he reclined and walked past. I held my tongue for “April” and “April” alone.
After a very heavy weekend of drinking with friends I felt the pain that has riddled me become somewhat subdued all be it because of the large quantity of alcohol I had consumed. Instead of the pain I was left with a numb feeling that let me feeling lost and alone despite having all my friends around me for support. The only person I wanted to speak to was her I had to gather strength everyday to keep myself from just sending a message saying “I hope your ok” the constant drain on my strength to hold this control how ever left the doors in my mind open for an impending darkness I had kept out to creep in… I began to over think.
The more I thought about the whole situation the more I began to lose myself I was hiding behind a smile and kept my mind busy helping people in similar situations by instilling them with the strength they need to push through. I started to see more posts from “April” in the only place we had left, as I read the posts I have a growing sense of worry for her because if all of the posts were true she was scared and felt like she had nowhere to turn I wanted to be able to see her and just throw my arms around her and stare into her beautiful eyes so she would know that I’m still here for her… The darkness that had seeped into my mind begun to turned these thoughts of concern & compassion against me if her posts were real and the words true then why not speak to me? why not take the risk that she claimed she wanted to take? a bitter sense of being manipulated dwelled over me I thought “how can her words be true? her actions prove otherwise. I need to stop hanging on, stop giving myself false hope from her hollow words and see her for what she is.. my past” the darkness has started to take hold of my very heart and the overwhelming feeling of Love I have for her started to become the very thing that was starting to destroy me.
I want to see her. I want to tell her everything will be alright. I want her to tell me the truth about her fears & feelings.
Alas its a truth I will never hear…