I was awoken by the dawn breaking the peaceful nights sky, the first ray of light pierced through the mist and due illuminating an old memory.
As I lay still I began to think “I need to disappear for the day” to be able to go to a place that no one knew me so I could be alone and sequester the thoughts that plagued my fractured mind. I find myself in a familiar place not out of intention but more a sense of gravity, it was as if I was pulled in the direction of the open water and the strong sea breeze, a fitting place to try and resolve the conflicting thoughts in my head.
The sound of the ocean waves crashing against the rocks helped easy a troubled mind.
As I walked along the endless span of the coast line memories began to bloom before my eyes and brought a warming feeling with them and I found myself smiling, I pass a single bench and decide to just sit and watch the waves topple over each other when an old lady asks “is this seat taken?” I say no please feel free so she sits next to me and asks “Who are you waiting for my dear?” I look back at her with a smile and say “no one, I am just out for a walk and some peace today” after chatting a little more she told me I looked sad which puzzled me as I was feeling ok. I asked her to elaborate, “well my dear it looks to me like you have had your heart broken, and its worse than you’re letting on. I have been in the same place even though it might hurt now but it will get better”…… I was taken back by how astute the old lady was and I had to hold back a rush of emotion, I explained some of the story to her then what she said to me next I will not forget anytime soon.
We finished talking and she bid me farewell and left. I felt I had just had someone reach into my head and calm everything down, I started to walk again and found the words of the old lady resonating inside my head and what I needed to do next was clear.
I had to forget all that “April” meant to me, push out the memories of staring into her beautiful eyes and letting her see every part of me when she looked into mine…. I had to let go of my false hope, let go of the perpetual wheel I was holding onto, accept she has changed and was no longer the person I had fallen in love the person who’s fire & compassion burned so bright was gone and find a way for myself to be happy.
The question is how do I let go of the only person who has ever made me happy just by being herself…