Two Steps Forwards Three Steps Back

A peaceful night to walk home. Never did I realise how deep the roots have grown.

People use the words of love to freely and make them available to achieve any goal they desire, I spoke to a young friend today as I could see a deep sorrow and sense of confusion in her eyes. After talking to her I found the cause of her troubles, she was being told everything she wanted to hear but couldn’t understand why she felt uneasy…. his words as idleic as they seemed where just lies to deceive her. I told her to run, it seemed she felt worried do this and then it occurred to me people fear being alone which may seem obvious but it’s deeper when you look into someone eyes and see it.

Why do all my friends seem o.get the attention? Attractive people never approach me! I’m just not that lucky… I have yet to meet someone who has a positive self image and respect for themselves or enough love for themselves to even begin to love another and realise just what it means to offer your very heart & soul to just one person.

To be able to truly love someone you must understand yourself, your hopes, dreams, fears and be willing to let someone in deep enough to see your greatest disappears. The power to be able to find this inner sense of self love does not come easy, for me it came at the sacrifice of what I can only describe as the other half of my soul “April”. She made me feel complete and allowed me to open up more than I have ever done because I finally understood who I was and allowed myself to let go of my fears and allow my empathy to surface from the darkest waters in my heart.

The price of freedom is steep. 

Yet talking to people and helping them means more to me than any material object ever will. It helped me see that I can connect with people on a deeper level if I allow myself to and become more empathetic towards them. This gave me a sense of self worth that perhaps one day I will find someone who I connect with in almost the same way as I did with “April”… the connection might even be deeper.

I spent the evening with friends and have had plenty of time to think, I have been thinking with logic and reiterating what I know is right along with how I need to move forwards.

Walking home I look up into a cloudy sky unable to see the majestic beauty of the stars, stars that have existed in the heavens for millions of years unjudging, unbiased & fair they will as they always have been… above us a constant guiding light for lost travellers, a ray of hope for believing beyond our own existence and a comfort for lost souls to gaze apon. 

I am stopped by an old friend we laugh and regale stories of old and just as I start to walk away “April” drives past…. she does not see me but my whole body went weak, my pulse began to race, my heart started to ache. My head was filled with every memory in an instant and just like that every feeling I have for her surrounded me like a maelstrom it was inescapable.

They feelings I have run deeper than even I thought possible…..

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The Curse of Strength

Hi Guys,

At times we want to scream until there is nothing left, we do not have to break… we only break out of choice.

Someone asked me where did I find my strength, it matters not but I choose not to break even after everything because I can shoulder my past mistakes and instead of letting them hold me down I can stand tall a keep moving forwards and maybe eventually my mistakes will be forgiven because I forgive her for this. I have good friends and a brother who will always offer help if I need it, these people are here because they choose to be and it is my choice to push through alone while accepting gentle words of encouragement because I am the only one who can really understand what is going on in my own head.

The problem with being strong is you will keep fighting and pushing forwards. I cannot go back because as a river gathers momentum there is no stopping it. The days should be getting easier I have not seen “April” at all over the last week she has kept away from my place of work which is a smart choice and yet I still see things she leaves for me in the place only we know which drags me back, why does she do this? I am unsure but it matters not because she made her choice.

Subduing all of my emotion is difficult because I see so much that reminds me of her, every morning I awaken and she is in my thoughts as she is throughout the entire day and into the loneliness of the night.

I hope when I see her I am strong enough to look at her and smile, while hiding the pain behind my eyes from her.