Finally I was given my answer, not from “April” herself but from one of her friends…. Here was the message.

“Look I’ve spent the evening with April and she’s ok. As you know, she saw Jay this weekend, they’ve had a long chat about what’s been going on and in her words she feels like they’re both on the same page now. He’s explained a lot and April is comfortable with the fact that’s he’s telling the truth. She’s made a choice and she wants to be with jay. She loves you but she’s not in love with you anymore.  The reason I am messaging you this is because April has asked me to as feels that there needs to be some distance between you both because it’s not healthy going round and round in circles. She wants to make this work with Jay and for that to happen there needs to be a clean break between you two. This is in no way Jay’s decision and he hasn’t asked her to do this, this is purely April’s choice. She is sorry about how things have turned out and she never meant to hurt you. She doesn’t think it’s fair that you’ve had to be there for her throughout all of this, she just wants to stop hurting everyone. You have always said you just want her to be happy and she feels this is how that’s going to happen.  You need to leave her be now.”

The only thing that hurt was not the fact that she has made a choice but the fact she could not tell me face to face. I really want her to be happy because she deserves to be for the simple reason of she has given so much to everyone over the years and taken nothing in return. I truly wish her happieness in her future.

Some will ask me the reason why I am not angry or broken and it is simple I have that one ray of light shining through the darkness…. hope.

If she really was no longer in love with me then why will she not tell me face to face? Until the day I see the look in her eyes change and hear her say the words I will always hope.

I will keep moving forwards but always carry her in my heart because I changed as a person and she was the reason, I have opened myself and embraced my empathy. So if you find someone do not fear your emotions they don’t make you weak they make you human.

“Life is to short so smile while you still have teeth” 


A Toutured Soul


My soul corrupted by vengeance hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey in my own salvation…

There are times when people tell us to lose all hope and there seems to be a thousand reasons to just give up and walk away, the actions of a person who claims to love you in a deeper way than they have loved anyone else all point to the contrary.

Why do people refuse to do what needs to be done? Why are people so weak? Why won’t they ask for hep from someone who truly loves them and would move heaven & earth to see them happy?

The simple answer, Fear.

I have been told that I need to Hate “April” after all that has happened and the way she has acted, I have a deep thirst for knowledge and understanding. I feel that she is scared because she cannot realise why even after everything that has transpired so far why I would want to be the one she turns too and this is where the problem lies because most will fear what they don’t understand and some will despise what they fear…. but I still Love her regardless.

Yesterday I was out with a friend just walking and talking to try and take my mind away from thought of “April” this was a futile effort because every time I looked at the paces we had been I would see her face, I would hear her voice, I would feel the feelings warming my heart. I found myself slipping into deep thought getting lost in a sea of emotion, my heart began to ache and I had to hold back the pain of loss.

I my self struggle to comprehend the sheer hold “Jay” seems to have over “April” she has herself admitted that she is in “Relapse” because he is treating her the same way an old person from her life did before. Is the familiarity of everything what is keeping her there? This I do not understand and because of that I despise it, I resent it, Why be unhappy and pretending that everything is ok when all you want to do is scream and run to the one person who really loves you?

I try and bury my feelings for her deep so that they cannot cloud my judgement but every time I see her they always come flooding back, when I look at her it is like a blind man who has been given the gift of sight and is able to see his first sun rise, amazed that something can be so beautiful and create such strong emotion.

I said to her I would walk away, I won’t even though I should for my own sanities sake.

When you have but one reason to keep fighting for someone you keep fighting, draw strength from a place so deep it touches your very soul. Your heart does not break unless you let it, fractures may appear but all you have to do is stay true to yourself and keep fighting.