This is the end of my story, after fighting with all my heart it was all about to come to an end.
The next day after everything had blow out of proportion with “Jay” I heard from “April” he had gone from calling her all the names under the sun to saying he loved her and what they had was special. The whole situation was a mess, lots of people where hurting and breaking down amongst all of this and yet somehow I was still fighting on without question because of how I felt for her.
That morning “Jay” was at my workplace he did not make any eye contact with me I could see what he was thinking but he dared not confront me. After he left “April” came in she walked straight towards me just as she used to with a smile on her face but I could see there was something behind her eyes that frightened me…. I did not press the issue and ignored my gut feelings because my heart was screaming out for her. We began to chat and two of “Jay’s” friends walked in it seemed that she was still really worried about what they might say to him about us chatting, I tried to help her as I always have when I’m at work but I could feel her anxiety and it was as if she didn’t even want me there.
My brain began to kick in with darkening thoughts which I soon pushed into deep so they could reside in a part of my mind that was out of conscious reach. After she had finished I spoke to her about a plan that we had made with a mutual friend to go to a Christmas Market (when we made it she was herself again, so excited and happy) she explained how after we made it she felt guilty and had to think of lies to be able to join us on that day. She also explain that she was in a similar situation with “Jay” to something very close to her past. I asked her if she wanted to go and got this answer “I really want to, but can I let you know” I could see the look in her eyes the fear, the pain & I knew that it wasn’t a case of I will let you know it was a case of if she ignores it she can pretend its not there and does not have to go.
Seeing that look hurt, I started to feel an overwhelming sense fear because all of my gut instincts so far had been right and this time I hoped I was wrong.
The day progresses on and I spend most of it alone, I had asked “April” if she would like to have gone for a walk for no real reason just because I missed her and wanted to see her and just talk about anything. Hours passed and I heard nothing even after she had said “I will message you when I’ve sorted my bits” Unlike “Jay” I did not eve want to put her under pressure to feel she had to see me I wanted her to see me because she wanted to because it made her happy…. because I made her happy.
I hear nothing and go for a walk alone with only my thoughts, as I walk a chilling winters wind cuts through me like a steel blade piercing and swift. I look back through her messages to me, how she says I am always in her thoughts, how she still loves me and want to be with me. The more I read these words I cannot fathom their meanings, are the truth I have sought my whole life or clever lies created to deceive and manipulate me?
I send her a message asking her how she is feeling, she claims she feels sad but more of a pity kind of sad, it seems to me that she is trying to look for excuses for “Jay” almost like she owes it to him… this cuts deep, I have laid my heart and soul on the line for her and it seems she cannot see what is in front of her face. She then explains that she feels she owes everyone something, and she is caught in the middle of this mess and she wants everyone to be happy… After reading that I know what I have to do.
I ask her directly does she want me to stop fighting for her? a simple yes or no was all I was looking for. Instead I noticed that I was removed from certain parts of her life in social circles and she just ignored me. It seemed I had struck a nerve hundreds of thoughts force their way to the surface all of the dark thoughts I had spent so long fighting and push down hit me, it felt like I had been slammed into a wall and pinned unable to move. I sent her one last message…
“Ok…. Your silence is enough. I loved you with all my heart, please be happy. Goodbye April”
I heard nothing since, it would seem that the strength I drew from her words and the way she still looked at me had all been for nothing. She was so scared about people opinions of her and trying to please everyone she didn’t know what to do to make her happy, so were the words she told me lie? I did not know, I felt the inner battle with myself to keep the doors to my heart open for her draw to a close I could not keep them open any longer.
I shed not one tear, I only felt a harrowing feeling of emptiness that looms in my heart, broken dreams & shattered hopes are what is left to plague my wandering soul.
She had taken the easy way out, she made a choice to just ignore and pretend nothing was there, even in the end of all of this though I can say I loved another with all me heart and for me that was enough. I will hear close friends say “you will be fine, you will move on and find someone else” as appreciated as their effort of comfort will be I know in my heart of hearts she was the one, I had never wanted to say even a fraction of the words I have said to her to anyone else and I doubt I ever will again.
If you have been reading this I want you to take away a simple fact, do not fear your feelings if you love someone tell them be honest with them, if you have even the slightest feeling that a person might ne “it” you fight for them.
“April” you have helped me realise so much and regain the lost part of myself and for that I thank you. I wanted to be your pillar of strength, the person you would turn to for anything. These words I say I mean with all of my heart, I will always love you until my last days on this earth, I want you to be happy and do what makes you happy not what you think everyone else wants because I tried to do what I thought everyone else wanted and now here I am beaten, tired & alone with only the memory of you.
If in the future I see you in a new life with a smile I will be happy because I will know that you have let go of all of your fears and you were able to find someone to love.
My Heart & Soul will always be yours.