Your Champion

“I was your Champion, your strongest defender willing to sacrifice everything to protect you”

Warriors fight for many causes Good & Evil, this warrior was fighting for the most just of causes, protection of the one he held most dear, nothing was able to deter him from his chosen path because he believed in what he was fighting for… no one should suffer alone, even after the light had turned its back on him, he continued to persevere in the struggle against the endless hoards streaming form the darkness to aid the person who matter most to him.

Time has taken its toll as the weary warrior his armour grew heavy, his blade dull he begins to draw his last breaths, sustained by one simple reason; he continued to fight knowing the futility of his endeavour. Battle Scars could be seen through his armour throughout his whole body, he wore them proudly; a sign of his devotion to the one he loved for nothing would have broken his unwavering will to the cause. The final blow that stopped the noble warrior and left him broken and defeated was not from his enemies but from the one he swore to protect…

Piercing through him and bringing him to his knees this final blow caused a wound far deeper than that of any other strike thus far. Watching helpless and unable to move he had to witness his beloved turn and walk towards the darkness leaving him surrounded facing insurmountable odds, as he lost sight of her he pulled the blade from his body and stood and cast his eyes on the endless numbers facing him, not one understood what he had fought for…. and they never would.

Casting off his armour, discarding his dull sword and brandishing the fresh wound he had suffered at the hands of the one he swore to protect the warrior began to fight his way away from the darkness, he used the very blade that caused the last near fatal blow. The road ahead was long, he was set to suffer alone with nothing but a memory of the one he loved.

“I was not only your Champion, I was your friend and I was your pillar of strength…. I was your one true love, all the scars will heal in time but I will always remember who you were and what you meant to me, even after time ceases to be time, remember I was yours because I will never forget once upon a time you were mine too”

Dream Speak

Shattered Dreams

Dreams can hold a thousand meanings, at what point do we let the subconscious advice of our dreams influence our realities.

Spending the weekend with friends was a welcome distraction that occupied my mind and released me from the Ouroboros that has captured my heart, soul & mind. After various let’s say very heavy days of consuming many different types of alcohol I finally allowed myself to get some well needed rest, as a drift off to the peaceful sound of silence I managed to quiet my mind and just before I slip into a deep sleep a vagrant thought appears in my mind… the final words the old lady gave to me some time ago.

I have never had a dream like this before and even though I am going to attempt to write down all the details I remember to try and make sense of it I can’t help but shake an uncertain feeling that I have let something into my heart and it could end up corrupting my very soul.

I can see a door large, grand, magnificent to behold but closed with no lock to open it, there are four masks that seemed to be guarding the door (this scene was familiar but what meaning did it have?) each individual mask offered me advice, Unbiased and fair. I could feel an overwhelming sense of judgment closing in on me as I faced them.

A chilling presence of omnipotence resonated as I progressed closer to them.

“Despair!” Was cried out from the first mask as I approached, the mask was a dark blue like the depths of the ocean and just as frightening. Despair I asked? “Let go of what was, malevolent consequences will occur if you do not” This warning was not one to be taken lightly; I needed to move forwards from where I was stuck.

“Suffering” Whispered quietly, the second mask drew my attention, Green like ivy and with words just a twisted it spoke “End your internal suffering, you are trapped with sight of release, lost and confused seeking answers you will never have… banish such thoughts and set yourself free” Could this be the real state my mind had been left in? After believing all I had been told, after trying to help and receiving nothing but malice and betrayal had I gone mad?

“Accept the choices of man” words that caught my ear came from the third of the four masks; I still struggled to comprehend why I was dreaming of such menacing entities. Crimson Red Flames surrounded the mask yet as I approached I felt nothing, only a cold sense of emptiness. “Accept what is lost so you can see what will be, dwelling on the past yields no future” Wise words that only confirmed in my heart that the person I once knew was gone.

Turning to face the last mask and whatever harrowing words it had I found myself greeted by silence, staring at what can only be described at the radiant glow that rivals that of the sun of a warm summers day the mask still remained silent. Time passed so I spoke out and said “so for what purpose are you here?” Still the mask was silent; I turned to see only a pitch black canvas of nothing and began to walk away and I hear these words…

“Walk away back to an endless cycle of death and rebirth or walk through the door and accept what is, the choice is yours”.

Hearing this I turn to see the grand door had been opened and the masks gone, I walked towards the door and as I passed under its glorious arches I awoke, confused and yet a feeling of calm emanated from deep inside, for the first time I felt no pain, I felt nothing… I felt numb.


A Twisted Future

“To change ones fate is to challenge everything for another throw of the dice, a better throw”

Day turns to night and the cycle repeats, never ending and always staying the same. I spend my time thinking of how she is and hoping she is ok for I fear the claws of despair have clasped onto her and have a tighter hold on her than I thought possible.

Reading back through the letter I was given the words seemed incoherent to the current situation I resided in, the words spoke of true love and feeling for me yet her recent actions rendered all of this untrue. Had these words been written with clarity and her actions influenced by a presence so maleficent that she was truly to scarred to fight for what she claimed she wanted?

Removing my emotion and placing myself in a third persons view of the entire situation I could understand why I would be the reason for all the suffering because only half stories have been told either to me or to everyone else, I only had one thing to keep my sanity and that was her words and memories even if they were falsities…

Not being allowed to be in my place of work because of the ramifications of the day that I decided enough was enough and confronted the situation head on left me with thoughts of “Why did she not tell her family what she had told me?” thoughts were stuck in my mind like a thorn from a rose, something so beautiful and yet capable of causing unrepairable damage. Friends who knew of the situation from start to finish were astounded still by the fact that people were so quick to take the side of “April” without asking for the other half of the story… it seems that fear really can be a powerful ally.

My days spend watching the world were filled with visions of the dying words of promise & false acts to appease their false hopes and realities for an easy life, like the trees bending to the winds or breaking in the storms people fell one after another subjecting their will to that of someone stronger. Amongst all this pain and strife I saw  moments of pure and uncorrupted passion and selflessness much like the beauty of the stars offering guidance to lost travellers and the moon radiating its heavenly light to illuminate the path through the darkness so that people would never be lost, even though only brief they offered me hope for absolution and the chance to maybe love again.

My future however uncertian was under my influence and mine alone, to let the darkness swallow my heart or fight to reach the light?

I say this to you, we shape our future by the choices we make so learn from each choice and never lose yourself for once you have lost yourself you are truly lost and will have no future.

Whispering Winds

“Stand quietly and listen to the stories on the wind, the sound of judgement is fast approaching”

The night draws to a close as morning fast approaches and I find my broken sleep filled with thoughts of what half-truth’s I had heard that were beginning to spread about me. Questions of substance beckoned in my mind and where these stories has originated and with what facts to back up such claims,  People were quick to judge and pin all of the trouble and strife on me without question of a thought of the other half of the story.

Reoccurring memories of that night where I sat and watched a person descend into a blind panic as if the very ground around her was crumbling and below were the depths of hell waiting to lay their cruel punishments  without hesitation.  A wondering lost soul can be easily influenced to make decisions and be less than forthcoming with the entire picture of information, what had been told to “Kain” to start a cascade of anger that produced his malice towards me? I began to recall all of the messages I was sent as I felt I would need them soon.

Fear, the complexities of fear can only be compared to a labyrinth with many twists and turns that lead nowhere offering no hope of freedom such is the fate of the weak, ensnared in fears grip without sign of release.

Lonely nights allowed me to pray for the safety of those I once loved for the sights I had been granted left an eerily ominous sense of dread in the place where my heart used to reside.   

Hardened from the words of the world I had become only allowing logic to rule my current mood, the increased sense of empathy I had recently gained was allowing me the strength to make it through each day because even if I could only do one small deed that would go unnoticed and lead to outward benefit for others it was enough to keep my cause just.

Friends are showing growing concern because of what they have heard, like a typhoon tearing down anything in its path and spreading terror far and wide rumours had begun to spread these began to transgress into a dark cloud overshadowing the land and obscuring the view of the light.

Certainly things might seem bleak but the truth will surface eventually and when it does I will be able to relinquish the burden of silence that has haunted me for so long as I could do nothing but sit by and watch as insidious events unfolded before my eyes

Alone I Stand

“Standing at the base of the fallen and corrupted pillars the lands can be seen in their entirety, an approaching amasses of warriors charged forwards the fallen pillars. Stood alone, the warrior prepared for the fight ahead.

In my self-imposed solitude for the day I found myself devouring books and gaining more understanding of the smaller nuances of the human mind, As the day passes I hear from new found friends their company was appreciated but the news that they brought with them left me with a growing feeling of isolation and I was soon going to have to fight an uphill battle to absolve the villainous status I seemed to have acquired.

The news my friends came baring was of talk at my place of work, it seemed that the wheels of fate began to turn, spinning an even more tangled web of half-truth’s. It transpired that “Kain” had been asked by fellow friends on what had happened, the details seemed broken and incomplete but allowed me a glimpse onto the severity of climb I was going to have to make against the acquisitions that were laid at my feet.

There are people who know my tale and knew the messages I had been sent over the past months and the feelings I had, it would seem I might need the entire collection of these if stood any chance of fighting off the impending onslaught I faced.

The realisation that someone you loved so much and would have sacrificed anything for did nothing to defend you a few days prior when the chance was presented it a truly devastating feeling, it was as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and now an empty stillness inhabited the place where my once beating heart resided.

When “April” was confronted by her father why did she not tell him of all the things she had told me? All the fear she had, the loss of confidence and the so called mess she was in? “April” was either that scared of “Jay” or she truly had no feeling for me and the words were fallacies. Either way everything was shrouded in confusion and the task of trying to distinguish fact from fiction was incredible. Funny thing was I still cared for her and the image of her distressed she look that Sunday night was being brought to the forefront of my mind with surprising frequency along with how she ran after “Jay” scratching at his heels seeking forgiveness and redemption, something was not right and since I had nothing to lose I may as well prepare for the oncoming barrage of question.

Residing where my heart used to beat with such passion the harrowing emptiness that replaced it was still riddled with feelings for “April” looking at her that day she was not the girl I fell in love with the girl I saw before me that day was a shadow with her burning fire almost extinguished, the sight of this made my soul ache, all people in their right minds who I have spoken to has said walk away and start again, run away from all the darkness that had infested my life.

Try as I might to disconnect I still cared for her and was worried. The saddest thing is what we could have had will never be. I also began to wonder if what “April” said about her family, friends and her mother sharing my concern was true or not?

Abject Humiliation

“Time passes by and we feel a deepening sense of humiliation, vae vicits”

Days had passed since the events that have caused so much anguish, I once again found myself alone with a million thoughts swamping my mind. I still struggled to understand how I seemed to the full force of the malice that had been gathered from the situation, the only answer or theory I had was a simple one. 

I had been lied to all along, everything I was told was to keep me in the picture but also in the dark, shrouded in mystery to satisfy someone’s lust for attention then to be cast off at a whim and portrayed as the catalyst for her suffering to protect what supposed false reality she had told me she was living, if that was even true?

Solitude allows one to expand your view and gain a larger perspective on the events that had transpired. I began to wonder if anything I had been told by “April” was true, her apparent unhappiness and spiralling decent into despair? her concerned mother calling her almost daily because of overwhelming feelings of worry? The depiction of “Jay” she had given being needy, insecure, controlling and aggressive? I was unable to discern true for fallacy.

According to “April” her mother knew the same story I did and was he was losing.her daughter and watching her change and degrade from the beautiful person she was into a shell.  I doubted the true in these supposed fact I was told, to have allowed myself to ignore my head and follow my heart so blindly has left me feeling humiliated and hurt.

Deciding to open up to someone and delve into feelings that I had long been afraid to accept due to the fear of getting hurt had taught me a valuable lessons, accepting all of your feelings is what you have to do to fall in love but also to know when your feelings are being toyed with so that you would be able to distinguish between those who love you and those who lust after you.

I felt no bitterness towards “April” or “Jay” and nothing towards “kain” even after his threats,  the feelings I had for her were real and they helped change me I to a better person and  allowed me to connect with people in a deeper way than I ever thought possible, a deeper understanding of a broken heart and the simple truth that all people want is to have someone listen and not judge.

Would I ever be absolved of these accusations I was hearing of? Probably not but I had based my choices on the wellbeing and concern for someone else, someone I loved. Was it a mistake in the place and time I chose enough was enough? Yes, at least I got a honest answer from it all and.I will always pray for her happiness.

The only thing that can truly change a person is a broken heart. 


“To become a great leader you must observe from all aspects of life”

The events of recent times have left me tired, weakened & fractured. I spend countless hours replaying the scenario’s that transpired and their outcomes along with the pure and simple fact that my role in this has been cast on the darker side of the story; has everything I believed been a story? To be encountered the way I had been with such a threat how had I been depicted?

My mind ached from trying to unravel the web to seek answers.

Walking has been a release that has allowed me to clear my mind and just allow a state of serenity even if it is only for the briefest of moments. Spending most of the day with the two family members I have left and family friends has been an isolating experience, they sit and talk of meaningless subjects striving to stay away from deeper conversation.

Throughout the evening I sat and watched “Jack & Lilly” friends of my godfathers. I watch the way they treat each other with curious intent, both are very overbearing trying to get one over on the other locked in a constant struggle for supremacy the look in their eyes was one of acceptance to make the best of what they had even though they were not happy; They had split up several times and always ended up back together not out of love but more out of a sense of normality because any other partner they had been with left after a short while was this becoming the fate of our world? Acceptance and just doing what should be done rather than take some risks and perhaps see what could be better.

Scenes such as this had become more apparent with all the people watching I had been doing, it’s amazing when you just sit there and take everything in, you find yourself enticed with an insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding. To know ones fate to be able to challenge it for the chance of a better throw of the dice was all so tempting; as we grow in life making mistakes is inevitable the key is we must learn from them so that we can decipher what it is we really want.

My feelings of love, compassion, longing had become numb & cold it felt as if the chill of the winter that was drawing in had gripped my heart. My new role as villain of this charade seemed to be set in stone with no sight of redemption.

“Screams of terror fill the streets, yet no one runs to aid the victim. You cannot stand by and watch as this beautiful woman gets torn down, casting off all fears you run to help. A struggle ensued then you feel the cold steel pierce through you… there is no pain only a stillness where the blade currently resides, you turn to see the woman holding the implement of your downfall. Suddenly it is ripped out leaving you to fall to your knees as they laugh, for you had been the poor fool to miss read the signs and sacrifice everything only to help only to be the one who takes the fatal strike”

After I read that passage today I found myself staring in to the distance, my peace was broken by a message from a friend with words filled with sorrow and confusion. Regaining my conscious state I decide to find out what is wrong and help in any way I can because everyone needs a pillar of strength.

A Threatening Encounter

Time to endure the wrath of the world.

As I sit and watch the world pass by I have a passing though “I hope she is ok” I go back to work to be greeted by a ominous presence. 

“Kain” approaches me with a look of sheer malice in his eyes “leave her alone! If.You ever speak to her again I will kill you! I will stab you!” 

It would seem that I have I was.Not.what “April” has called me those few nights ago in her car “my own personal hero” it seemed to everyone else I was the villain. 

Each time she spoke to me and kept coming back to me with the words my heart longed to hear was all for nothing. I had taken the brunt for her pain, to everyone else I was seething evil that was causing her such pain and anguish yet from all the times she had seen me it was for help and strength.

It would seem that my future predictions that I would be the one who ends up hurt were correct.

Such a fool I had been for allowing myself to believe her words and now I lay here with nothing left. Those who knew my side of the story rallied to my cause but it was too late for that. Depending on how future events unfold all I can say is keeping all the messages and the letter I had been given gave me my reasons for my actions.

I had been played and I had come to the end of my use and was cast aside, stricken from the wheel of fate, banished to a place of darkness and sorrow.


The First part of Aprils Letter

The path of a warriors soul is a lonely one, they traverse the plains in search of purpose they search for truth. They find these truths written in the stones but stones to can lie.

I did not sleep last night all I had was the reoccurring images and the events of the day overtaking my mind, the images that stuck the most were 2 in particular, how when I completely opened up to “April” she was so emotionless so cold so callus just a vacant look as if she was not really listening. The other plague of my mind was how “April” look frightened of “Jay” and was begging for his forgiveness as if him treating her in such a deleterious way was because she deserved it, she had said to me several times “He just gets so angry” I could see the way he looked at me yesterday but I knew as did he that he would make no action towards me because I was a man who was not intimidated by his reputation and not a frightened little girl who he had broken down and had control over.

Am I betraying her trust right now? To quell the madness in my mind I need to do this. If “April” had trusted me so much and cared as much as she claimed I would have a reason to keep the secrets I house hidden but she made her choice and now I’m making mine.

I began to read the letter that “April” had given me again & again & again I started to read the words and started to see more each time “I’m nearing the end of the line, I don’t know how much more I can take” If she was really feeling this way and he was slowly eroding her that badly the choice was simple wasn’t it? just walk away… she continues to say how she fell deeper and deeper in love with me in a past tense “The way you smile at me its the same smile, your eyes… you look at me in the same way still” It was clear she knew how I felt but all the more I read she was not writing down her feelings she was avoiding them.

“I never wanted to punish you” those words struck a cord because she did want to punish me out of some sick twisted joke at revenge she had admitted to me in person she didn’t mind “Jay” coming in with her because she knew I would see it, she wanted me to be jealous and so decided to take the first person she saw because she could.. she had control or so she thought.

“The love I have for you is so deeply rooted it will never change” at one stage I would have believed that but now I read those words and I feel a sense of nausea, I believed the lies for so long allowing my heart to hope and grow more open only to be torn from its place. She claims I know the person she is and I thought I did it seems I was wrong. 

Several times she mentions she knows what she needs to do “I am in a horrible situation which I know has to end”… “I’ve stayed with people before that I was not happy with because I believed I was making a difference” those words sound so sincere but if you look at them they show only cowardice why sacrifice your happiness? it was clear that “April” has deeper insecurities than even I knew of, I knew about her past and her struggles and was astounded on how much she had been through and realised it would have taken a titanic amount of strength of character to be who she was, that was one of the things I loved about her.

People like familiarity though and it seemed she was used to this sort of relationship and being “Needed” it called to her insecurities because her greatest fear it would seem it for someone not to want her.. for her not to be enough and she would rather take the abuse that “Jay” offered her because she found it familiar than take a risk.

She talks about her feelings for “Jay” and repeats the words Muddled, Misguided and alike after reading more what I read next dealt a more crushing blow than the most fatal of weapons “I’m not the type of person to just wash my hands of someone without a second glance”…. so she was saying she could never be that cruel to someone? everyone deserves a second chance and yet that is exactly what she had done with me, she had cast me out and acted to take a petty revenge to make me suffer and cause me pain. She would never know the insurmountable amount of pain she had caused me and I kept pushing through it because of how strong my love for her was.

That was only the first 2 pages on the epic tale she wrote for me of which she described as her heart, her soul, her everything as I read the last lines of the first couple of pages and turn to the third she mentions that about some of my messages to her about her playing games which inadvertently she was… but if it was all deliberate then she had truly orchestrated a masterful display and for that deserved the highest of rewards.

“You’ve said this to me a couple of times this morning, I know why, its because you’re so deeply hurt. I would never do that. I would never/could never do that to anybody, not my worst enemy, least of all you!”

Her language in that last statement was one I had to read again and again her use of language was that akin to a exceptional master of deceptions’  Why would she need to convince me of this if as she said before “You know me” maybe she was trying to convince herself that she was not a bad person? maybe she as trying o save some of her self respect that had been diminished I no longer cared because if self image was that important to her then she was never who I thought she was, she was never my real soul mate.

My emotions are in a state of flux ever changing, uncontrollably swinging like a pendulum from madness to serene clarity I did not know when this was going to end and after watching her walk away with him yesterday I felt the deepest sorrow, I had tried to help her because of all the times she has reached out to me frightened and alone I would have been her warrior, unbreakable, true and just, always fighting without care for myself because she was enough for me to keep fighting, she was enough of a reason to look forwards to the future, she was enough for me to be happy… was. 

An Empty Feeling

The choices of yesterday shape who we are today and our choices today shape who we become in the future.

I have never written so much it seems to be my only outlet that keeps me on the right side of sane despite my grammatical errors and clear lack of spell check.

As I find myself looking out into the darkness of the night I listen to the wind and begin to think how it is constant the only difference is the speed and force of which it hits us, if all life was as easy or predictable as changing winds life would be a simple thing but alas it is not. The more I replay today in my mind the more I see the subtle little changes in posture, the small tells, the answers said to distract or confuse to buy more time it would seem and the most harrowing of all a vacant look as I sat a poured my heart out no emotion or empathy nothing.

Those once beautiful eyes that housed so much joy, compassion, wonder and hope were instead replaced by a glazed look or worry, doubt, fear, regret and despair. Maybe I was seeing to much? Maybe not but it was clear that the girl I once knew had slipped away because of the constant barrage of emotional blackmail & taunts.

The things “April” had told me about how she felt resonated in my head and I felt a sense of dissonance because how can a person go from letting herself go while she saw me yesterday evening and having the first natural smile I have seen her have in months to the vacant marionette I saw today beckoning to her masters call. This sight hurt far more than the words she shouted at me before they walked away.

Why did I choose to confront them both and betray her trust by telling “Jay” that she had been coming back to me? I did it because what is happening to her is not healthy and it will only get worse…. Every time we spoke she admitted more to me about her supposed true feelings, What option did I have? Sit by and do nothing or risk everything at my place of work to try and pull her out? I told her is she was to break away to do it in a neutral place or her own home her response “Jay won’t come to mine” I was not surprised this is because he was a frightened little boy who did not need an equal he needed a mother, someone to be at his beck and call and being the fool she was “April” rallied to this cause because she felt needed and wanted by someone even if it was for all the wrong reasons and he treated her badly but what more could I do.

The sheer temptation to give the letter to “Jay” was overwhelming but I subdued these feelings. I lay here and instead of feel sorry for myself I pray that she is ok, even after the way I have been treated it matters not because I fear she is still not happy she is making bad choices through clouded judgement… perhaps trying to force the break and give her the extra push she needed will only push her closer to him because as she said “this is what I know”

Those words uttered by her leave a deep sense of sadness that is all she knows? To live such a life is something I would not wish on my enemies let alone someone I am… I was in love with.  One of my close friends asked me how I felt. I hadn’t give it much thought I was more concerned for “April” and hoped she was at home in the loving embrace of her family but I doubted it.

Why make such an effort to see me yesterday if only to crack and go backwards?  

Led in the dark with nothing but my thoughts and the wind occupying my fractured mind I felt almost numb like something was missing almost like I had lost a part of myself even though as a person I had evolved to a higher place than I ever thought possible I still felt like I had lost my arm. This was the beginning of what I could see being an endless road with constant reminders of what was lost.

I felt empty, there was a void where my heart once resided.

There will often be a choice in your life where you have to pick one outcome or another I say place your faith and trust in a coin and flip it… the coin will make no real different but you will be secretly hoping for it to land one way and that is your true choice and is what you want.

Take a risk especially if like me you have nothing to lose.