The path of a warriors soul is a lonely one, they traverse the plains in search of purpose they search for truth. They find these truths written in the stones but stones to can lie.
I did not sleep last night all I had was the reoccurring images and the events of the day overtaking my mind, the images that stuck the most were 2 in particular, how when I completely opened up to “April” she was so emotionless so cold so callus just a vacant look as if she was not really listening. The other plague of my mind was how “April” look frightened of “Jay” and was begging for his forgiveness as if him treating her in such a deleterious way was because she deserved it, she had said to me several times “He just gets so angry” I could see the way he looked at me yesterday but I knew as did he that he would make no action towards me because I was a man who was not intimidated by his reputation and not a frightened little girl who he had broken down and had control over.
Am I betraying her trust right now? To quell the madness in my mind I need to do this. If “April” had trusted me so much and cared as much as she claimed I would have a reason to keep the secrets I house hidden but she made her choice and now I’m making mine.
I began to read the letter that “April” had given me again & again & again I started to read the words and started to see more each time “I’m nearing the end of the line, I don’t know how much more I can take” If she was really feeling this way and he was slowly eroding her that badly the choice was simple wasn’t it? just walk away… she continues to say how she fell deeper and deeper in love with me in a past tense “The way you smile at me its the same smile, your eyes… you look at me in the same way still” It was clear she knew how I felt but all the more I read she was not writing down her feelings she was avoiding them.
“I never wanted to punish you” those words struck a cord because she did want to punish me out of some sick twisted joke at revenge she had admitted to me in person she didn’t mind “Jay” coming in with her because she knew I would see it, she wanted me to be jealous and so decided to take the first person she saw because she could.. she had control or so she thought.
“The love I have for you is so deeply rooted it will never change” at one stage I would have believed that but now I read those words and I feel a sense of nausea, I believed the lies for so long allowing my heart to hope and grow more open only to be torn from its place. She claims I know the person she is and I thought I did it seems I was wrong.
Several times she mentions she knows what she needs to do “I am in a horrible situation which I know has to end”… “I’ve stayed with people before that I was not happy with because I believed I was making a difference” those words sound so sincere but if you look at them they show only cowardice why sacrifice your happiness? it was clear that “April” has deeper insecurities than even I knew of, I knew about her past and her struggles and was astounded on how much she had been through and realised it would have taken a titanic amount of strength of character to be who she was, that was one of the things I loved about her.
People like familiarity though and it seemed she was used to this sort of relationship and being “Needed” it called to her insecurities because her greatest fear it would seem it for someone not to want her.. for her not to be enough and she would rather take the abuse that “Jay” offered her because she found it familiar than take a risk.
She talks about her feelings for “Jay” and repeats the words Muddled, Misguided and alike after reading more what I read next dealt a more crushing blow than the most fatal of weapons “I’m not the type of person to just wash my hands of someone without a second glance”…. so she was saying she could never be that cruel to someone? everyone deserves a second chance and yet that is exactly what she had done with me, she had cast me out and acted to take a petty revenge to make me suffer and cause me pain. She would never know the insurmountable amount of pain she had caused me and I kept pushing through it because of how strong my love for her was.
That was only the first 2 pages on the epic tale she wrote for me of which she described as her heart, her soul, her everything as I read the last lines of the first couple of pages and turn to the third she mentions that about some of my messages to her about her playing games which inadvertently she was… but if it was all deliberate then she had truly orchestrated a masterful display and for that deserved the highest of rewards.
“You’ve said this to me a couple of times this morning, I know why, its because you’re so deeply hurt. I would never do that. I would never/could never do that to anybody, not my worst enemy, least of all you!”
Her language in that last statement was one I had to read again and again her use of language was that akin to a exceptional master of deceptions’ Why would she need to convince me of this if as she said before “You know me” maybe she was trying to convince herself that she was not a bad person? maybe she as trying o save some of her self respect that had been diminished I no longer cared because if self image was that important to her then she was never who I thought she was, she was never my real soul mate.
My emotions are in a state of flux ever changing, uncontrollably swinging like a pendulum from madness to serene clarity I did not know when this was going to end and after watching her walk away with him yesterday I felt the deepest sorrow, I had tried to help her because of all the times she has reached out to me frightened and alone I would have been her warrior, unbreakable, true and just, always fighting without care for myself because she was enough for me to keep fighting, she was enough of a reason to look forwards to the future, she was enough for me to be happy… was.