An Ill Fated Day

This next part to write literally kills me every time I think about it because I simple made a mistake.

2 Choice’s Be with “April” or go home with “Kat”. I was in work and saw “April” I said I needed to talk to her and told her this “I’m going to have to go with “Kat” this weekend” I saw her face drop and her heart skink she soon left after that statement from me, I was then contacted by her asking me to come around and talk to her which I did. As I walked towards her house I felt like I was being crushed, I knocked and waited at the door for quite some time I knew she was upset and eventually she opened the door and I could see she had been crying and it killed me inside because I was the reason for it.

We talked and I told her “I cannot be with her while I am still with “Kat” because it is not right” I know it was a bit to late for that considering I had fallen totally in love with her even though I had not admitted to her quite how much I was in love with her. I could see this was tearing her apart but I could not commit to her while I was with “Kat” through the streams of tears she looked straight into my eyes and said “I Love you” I felt I was making the biggest mistake of my life by holding back my true feelings for her and if I am honest I died a little inside seeing her in that state. She told me to leave… I hesitated and then left. I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Days passed and I saw “April” while I was at work, I had to use all my will power not to run to her but I knew I had to be honest with “Kat” before I could open up to her after work I went to pick up “Kat” and we started making our way to her families house. As we where driving down there was a tension that could only be described as crushing. “Kat” knew there was something wrong and we started to talk I knew that she knew what I was about to tell her and then I said it “I’ve slept with someone”…..

She burst into tears which where soon replaced by anger and then the one question I was dreading “who was it?” I answered with “it does not matter, but I can’t be with you” after more miles of driving “Kat” told me she knew who it was and said “Aprils” name. She had known because of the day she came to pick me up, the next words she said just gave me a wake up call “it was the way you looked at her, you’ve never looked at me like that” and it was true I had never looked at anyone in the same way I look at “April” and I will never look at anyone in that same way again. I had to pull over because of the guilt I felt for doing this to “Kat” and what was even worse was the fact that I was not in love with her and I didn’t have the courage to tell her sooner before we got to this stage I was such a coward. We approached her family home and “Kat” buried everything deep put on a brave face, She still wanted to be with me and that was hard to understand for me because I didn’t feel that way about her.

We spent the next day together and then after we got back to her family home we sat and had a talk and “Kat” had realised what I had done I do not know if she understood quite how I felt for “April” but it mattered not because I had broken this girl and she needed time to heal. I left and drove myself home leaving her with her family, As I drove back I felt guilt for hurting her and yet “April” was still in my mind and was the one light thought I had left.

Driving back all I wanted to do was talk to her, I would have to wait until I saw her next and wait to see if she would even speak to me at all after I had left her on that ill fated day.

Caught in the Rain

The more I write the more it makes me remember so many buried feelings, so time to carry on writing.

After spending the day with “April” walking along the beach we found ourselves in each others company more and more for hours at a time and not a care in the world. While with her one day we walked for what was easily 2 hours before sitting down on a lonely bench just looking at the view in front of us, There was an old school diary on the bench we sat and began to read it and it was full of notes regarding a crush a girl had on a boy along with home work note which looked pretty intense.

After reading through the school diary we just sat and looked at each other seemingly lost in the moment until it started to rain, we scrambled for the nearest tree and I held her close. I could feel her heart beating so fast through her chest and then our eyes locked and it all of a sudden hit me, I had totally fallen in love with her and the way she looked back at me said the same. We stayed under that tree held in a loving embrace which I never wanted to end I could feel her holding me tighter & tighter, With the people I had “loved” before there was nothing like this no one had ever looked at me in this way before and for once everything just felt right.

I never imagined to be one of the people in this world who actually found what could be described as “True Love” because when I was with “April” it felt like we where one and the same person both draw uncontrollably to one another and when we where together nothing else mattered. The rain stopped and I walked her back to her car to which we sat for another ridiculous period of time, I had no control over my feelings for her. I wanted to just tell her exactly how I felt, that she was everything to me and that all I wanted was her. I bottled it though because I had a fear that she might not feel the same, how hindsight is a wonderful thing.

We left and went home. As I sat at home with “Kat” I was thinking about “April” We were watching a film and there was a certain scene in which a married man and a girl (they where falling in love) looked at each other and for some reason I said “That’s a dangerous look” I felt “Kat” take a heavy breath and sigh… she did not ask me anything but I had been growing more and more distant because I knew that as amazing as “Kat” was I was in love with “April”. I knew this would cause unspeakable pain to “Kat” and I could not believe that I had fallen for someone else when all mine & “Kats” friends & family kept saying how great we where together, there was an overwhelming sense of distortion filling up inside me when I was with her because I think she knew I was in love with someone else.

A week or so passed since the day with the rain and the weather cleared up “April” and I went for another walk in the beautiful sun in what could only be described as a perfect summers day. As we finished our walk “April” wanted to tell me something, I sat with her and she looked terrified I was beginning to worry and the she done something I never expected anyone to do for me she told me exactly how she felt and that she was totally in love with me. I was so taken back all I could do was look into her eyes, she has the most beautiful eyes. I didn’t know what to say or how to react I kissed her and it was like electricity and I started to think to myself this is more than just Love.

A couple of days later I again found myself with “April” with not a thought of “Kat” and then I succumbed to the overwhelming feelings I had for “April” and well you can guess what happened next. As I laid there with her briefly I knew I had found The One, however being male I had not idea how to tell her. (yes just saying it would have been a good idea but guess what I’m an idiot!) After that moment we got even closer and I more distant from “Kat”. While at work I injured my back and “April” had waited until I finished to offer me a lift home, While standing close to her and just getting lost in looking at her I hear a voice… “Kat” had come to pick me up because she was worried as she had not heard from me all day. My heart sank because I knew just how much she cared for me to just arrive and wait for me. “April” and I talked and then she left while I went with “Kat”, at this point I knew what I had to do but didn’t know how.

I had planned a weekend with “April” and was then told by “Kat” that we had been invited down to her home to see her family, I was now torn between taking a leap of faith and telling “Kat” that I was in love with someone else or going to her home for the weekend….

This was one of the hardest choices of my life. Did I choose True Love and admit everything knowing how it would emotionally cripple “Kat” because she thought I was the one for her, or did I go with “Kat” because she was what everyone though I needed?



Sun & Sand

By now I am sure you have formed a picture/opinion in your head of my and I would think it goes something along the lines of “What an ass hole” to be perfectly honest I would agree, yet I still could not stop how I felt so here is a little more of the story.

More time passed at work and I grew even closer to “April” I don’t know what prompted me to ask “April” to spend a day with me but it just seemed very natural and even though I should have felt guilty I didn’t. We arranged to spend a day together and it took us to the beach because we could just walk, talk and enjoy each others company, the time seemed to pass without either of us noticing or in fact even caring.

We walked from one end to the other and back again eventually sitting down on a bench overlooking the sea where we continued to talk about yet more random things, I found myself just looking into her eyes and it literally took my breath away. I had a thousand thoughts running through my head my heart was racing and there was nothing I could do about it, I had not felt like this before and all I could see was “April” staring back at me it was like I could see into her and knew everything she was thinking which meant if I could see that then she could see it in me too.

I had a choice to either break eye contact and continue talking or I could do what I wanted to do and kiss her… Even knowing the potential repercussions I chose to give in to my feelings and kiss her.

I should have felt guilty knowing that this was wrong because I was with “Kat” but that was far from what I felt. I felt elated and like I was on cloud nine all of my logic was telling me to stop but my heart told me otherwise and I had never had this feeling before and what are you supposed to do? life your life settling for what you think you want or do you take a chance for what you know you really want,  I knew instantly that I wanted to take a massive leap of faith for this girl.

The day had been a roller coaster of emotion and thoughts, after I took her home I found myself thinking about her even more than I already was and things where about to get very complicated.


Unexpected Feelings

Didn’t think writing a blog would help ease the fractured thoughts running through my head. So I’m sure you can guess where this story is going to end but let me continue.

After a chance encounter and then spending a morning together i found myself becoming friends with “April” which turned in to random chats about silly things with no real meaning yet somehow time seemed to become irrelevant and hours began to pass like minutes. My life in general was pretty good I can’t lie “Kat” & I where happy and had a great group of friends, one day I was talking to my brother “Dante” the conversation somehow moved into the realms of him asking me “is Kat the one?” I hesitated but answered with “what makes you say that?” he passed comment that I seemed different I was not too sure what he meant by that but apparently I had been happier.

I started to think about how amazing “Kat” was and was talking to him about her and possibilities for the future, yet all the time I was talking to him I had a stirring thought in the back of my mind. Life progressed on and things stayed the same, I started to find myself thinking about when I would get more serious with “Kat” but something was missing and I could not place my finger on it because she was what someone called “a good choice for me” more weeks passed and I found myself talking to “April” outside of work more and more.

It soon became the summer and a chance to lay about in the sun and relax as my work quietened down. One day I was chatting to “April” and I suggested we go for a chat & chill in the local park since it was very sunny, we got there and spent close to half the day sat in the sun chatting and laughing, I had not felt this comfortable with a person before it was almost like she knew me in a different way to anyone else. I remember the dress she had on, it was a light pink with hearts on it and without thinking is told her she looked beautiful and out of nowhere our eyes locked. I have never had anyone look at me in such a way it was like she could see past all the barriers and front I had put up to keep people out, We say silent for what could have been 5 seconds or 5 minutes I generally don’t know how long it was because everything else seemed to stop around us.
We continued chatting and then I had to go so we go up and I walked her back to her car where I gave a hug and we went our separate ways.

The thoughts of that day resided in my head all night, even while I was with “Kat” I again put it down to the fact that we got on so well, that evening I was at a party chatting to some old friends I had not seen in a long time and both of them said “this girl must be special, you have a look in your eye” now apart from me giving them a look that can only be described as a face palm without the hand I thought they were right.
The next day I saw “Dante” and had a talk with him and was stopped in my tracks mid conversation when he said “Who’s April?” I had apparently mentioned her several times and kept taking the conversation towards her. He offered me this advice “she sounds like a nice girl but it seems you have been spending a lot of time with her. The way you say her name says you think more of her than a friend” I looked at him and laughed and told him with no uncertainty “she is really nice but she is not Kat” I won’t forget the way he looked at me with a sultry look of fear.

More time passed and yes I spent more time with “April” and even when I was not with her I started to find her in my thoughts more and more. I would receive messages from her and open them before any other, I could not tell you what it was that made her occupy my mind on such a constant basis. It started to occur to me that I was developing feelings for her…. or so I thought, When I looked back through the messages I had not begun to develop feelings for her I already had them but I knew nothing could happen because I was with “Kat” I had not told her I was with someone.

One day while speaking to mutual friends we had I mentioned I was with someone knowing full well “April” would find out so that this would stop any possibility of things going any further, why didn’t I tell her myself? If I am totally honest it was because I didn’t want to as I thought if she knew she would not want to spend as much time with me or even be such a close friend.

I was a coward, I had not lied to anyone but I could not deny the feeling that “April” was something special.

Time to open up.

This is my first blog, not sure what really prompted me to write one… well I do its because my hand writing is like a 3 legged spider and writing a diary would be futile because even I would not be able to read it. I guess sometimes we all need to stop holding everything back and let it all out (yes I have gone a little crazy recently) so I hope that who ever reads this or how ever many posts I get around to writing will take away something that it has taken me years to learn and not miss an opportunity that only comes around once in a life time.


Where do I start.. from the beginning would be useful if I think about it.

I am what you could call an emotional recluse, I have never really been one to talk about my feelings and how I really feel about people. I have had a couple of longer term relationships where I “loved” my partner but there was always something missing and the worst thing is I knew it… I know what an asshole. I was never able to open up to anyone because I had a deep feeling that I would always be looking for something more and didn’t want to just settle, I wanted “it” I had met someone along time ago.. if I think about it and she was almost perfect I thought I was in love for along time but I even with her and how close we where I still didn’t open up.

You hear people say “you will know” I was always sceptical about this because well it hadn’t happened to me yet and only now after almost 3 decades do I understand that saying. Let me tell you what they say is true “you will know” you cannot really describe it in words the feeling is something so much deeper than words, for me it was a look I was able to look into her eyes and feel at peace and that I was complete. I am getting ahead of myself though so back to the start.

as I said I have had some long ish term relationships and there was something missing, then I met a girl who was intelligent, funny, beautiful, caring, empathetic & she loved me more than I deserved we shall call her “Kat”.

Kat she had come from a very hard life filled with trials & tests that had left her with little faith in the male species and was looking for that special person who she could love with all her heart. We met in a random encounter in a gym I was talking  for near on an hour about lots of random things and the more I learnt about her the more I wanted to know so I asked her out for dinner, she looked shocked and her reply was “say that again?!” and we arranged to meet that weekend.

I’m sure you can picture where the rest of this part of the story goes, after our first date we quickly grew close and starting seeing each other. I started to tell her things I had not told other people like how I was very badly hurt by someone in my past hence the reason for being an emotional recluse.

I started to think could this girl be something more?

I was then given a choice to stay at home over a weekend or take a trip away with her because she had to go back home, After I was asked to come with her I hesitated and thought “could this be a turning point for me” so I went with her and met her family, friend, see her home where she spent many years of her life and had a great weekend with her, Amongst all of this I felt pretty happy for once.

As the weekend was coming to an end I remember being sat in the car with “Kat” eating ice cream (love the stuff) we where having a fairly deep conversation about things and in specific one of my Ex’s ok the one that really badly hurt me anyway and If I was totally over her and I remember saying these exact words “I really want it to be you”…. As I write those I should have known to have saved this amazing girl from being with me and stayed friends. This is not what happened, we started dating and soon found ourselves in a  relationship and if I’m Honest we where happy.

Days turned into weeks & weeks into months it seemed life was moving forwards and I started to think to myself I can see my self with this girl. I started to try and picture a future because “Kat” had totally fallen in love with me, I had started working at a new establishment and was making a good run with making new business. One day I had was talking to a new potential business client her name was “April” and we then parted company after a good chat, there was something after my chat with her that left a smile on my face… strange I thought.

A couple of weeks later “April” happened to use my services and we ended up spending a large chunk of time together over one day where we talked about a lot and found out we had a fair bit in common which is Always nice when working with new people. There was just something about this meeting her again left me with a smile on my face but I continued with life as normal chalking it up to the fact of “She is just really nice, and we have a lot in common”. I go home to “Kat” and that night we go out and have an amazing night and just before I fall asleep I hear these words “that’s a nice smile, I’ve not seen you smile like that before”.

What smile I thought to myself not really noticing, It then dawned on me I was thinking about my chat with “April”.