Dark Times & Buried Feelings

I guess some of you will be reading and thinking “yes! karma got you good” and I would agree but I was far from through fighting for her.

The day after walking away I felt drained and empty, I pushed everything deep inside and pulled myself out of bed and carried on as normal. the day was long and slow life seems to have a funny way of throwing small reminders at you from every angle, a smell a sound a scene no matter what it is the feelings were trying to resurface and get dragged back up I held my resolve and pushed them deeper down until I felt numb.

Days passed and I the saw “April” while I was at work I could not look at her because I knew if I locked eye contact with her no matter how strong my will was I would not be able to stop those feelings breaking through the barriers I had created. I caught brief glimpses of her with “Jay” and she did not look happy I could see a false smile and a sad look in her eyes, I was in good company to keep my mind distracted even if it was only for a brief moment or two from the friendships of “Mia” & “Bianca”.

As I stood helping them I saw them both stop with a stunned look on their face’s I turned not see “April” walking back towards “Jay” I turned back to look at “Mia” & “Bianca” and wondered what they had just seen. After we finished we all went for a drink and they told me what they had seen, “April” had stood and just stared at me for almost a minute seemingly without realising it they way they described the look she had made my heart ache because it dragged up the one feeling that is all that really keeps me going…. Hope.

More time passed and I could find myself wanting to just speak to “April” about something, anything just to be able to look at her & hear her voice again. Out of the blue I received a message from “April” saying she missed me, just like that all the feelings I had buried came erupting to the forefront of my mind like an unstoppable volcano spewing magma. We began to take and it was clear we where both in a bad place and longed to be together…. These could have been the words I wanted to hear yet I kept one thought constant in my head, If she was that unhappy with “Jay” and meant what she was saying to me why was she still with him? This thought cut through me like a knifed through warm butter.

“April” asked me to spend a day with her just us nothing else away from everything, I agreed and we planned the day. The night before I had stayed with a friend and as I was walking back the next morning to get my self ready to meet “April” what I saw cut me deeper and left a scar far larger than the sharpest sword ever could…….

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