Held Back

Everything has a way of coming full circle.

As time passed I was busy working between to different establishments and found myself only seeing “April” when we had time, We still spoke everyday in one way or another and she would say how she had made really good friends with “Jenny”, “Mike” & “Jay”. I had a horrid feeling in my gut about all their nights out even as friends despite the fact that everyone was with someone my gut told me to tell “April” how I truly felt and totally open up to her and yet me being a colossal idiot I didn’t.

I started to find that “April” was not speaking to me as much I tried to find every reason to see her but she always seemed busy, a harrowing feeling hit me that I had pushed her away because I was to stupid to tell her how I really felt. I knew that if I was to stand any chance of not losing her I needed to act fast. We finally agreed to me up after I had sent her a message saying I thought she was starting to lose her feelings for me and that I thought there was someone else.

We met and I totally opened up to to her but by her words I could tell it was to late. I had pushed her away by trying to take things slow and now come across as jealous or possessive, from what she said she thought I didn’t care or even love her…. this was far from the truth. We spend hours together and left on what can be described as a emotionless kiss, I realised how much I had hurt her by not being open and all this was because of fear of what she might think.. what other people might think. I had a sudden growth and clarity that made me realise it does not matter what anyone else thinks all that mattered was making her happy and by not telling her my true feelings I had caused her suffering.

I sat and looked at the sky that night with a thousand thoughts running through my head, I once heard that monsters are all that cause suffering and I had caused so much pain to “April” and also caused my own suffering.

Guys don’t be afraid of your feelings. I was and now I was going to have to fight hard for “April” because out of everything I had changed and she was the reason.

I can’t see a future without her in it.

2 thoughts on “Held Back

  1. “All those moments will be lost in time, like…tears in the rain.” You act on the moment or you lose it forever. Just be mindful of the people you turn into just another memory.

    • The people I love will never be a memory. I have learned from all of this if something is worth fighting for you never give up. I refuse to believe that everyone is bound to one predestined path.


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