I’m back again, I find writing really helps ease things and keeps my brain from turning to mush I haven’t exactly made this blog easy to find but if you have come across it I hope you can learn from my mistakes.
More time passed and I could see “April” trying to get closer to “Jay” yet nothing was official it seemed just to be one of those “friends with benefits situations” I could see her doing small things for him and I wanted to let her go so that she could be happy if she truly was with him but something just didn’t feel right because she still looked at me in the same way. I struggled to try and piece together the broken shards of my mind to gain clarity but all I thought about was her.
I could see she was trying to forget me and that “Jay” was a welcome distraction because he gave her the attention that I had not, I noticed she would speak to me through the day on certain days and then not on others which said to me that is when she was with him. I started to go on a few dates just to try and distract my mind but each time I just could not see anything but “April” I have made some good friends from this but they will never be anything more than that.
I found myself in the company of “Sophie” and her friends on several wild nights out, I was also finding more excuses to go out and drink. I could see myself on a downward spiral but the helpful advice of an old friend “Julia” helped me see all I was doing was trying to numb the feelings and it even got to the point that that didn’t work, I pulled myself together and curbed the excess amount I was drinking. I sat one day with “Julia” and showed her a message I was going to send to “April” and it made her cry, I laid everything on the line all my feelings… everything.
Days went past and I then built up the courage and sent the message.
I had a reply from “April” I could see that she was torn between me and “Jay” all I wanted was a straight answer, each time I saw her while I was working there was an electric tension but also a harrowing sense of pain. Things where going to come to a head soon, I had laid everything down for her the first day she met me to say her feelings had changed all those weeks ago yet if that was true why would she still have that certain look for me…
I spoke more and more to her and I knew I was going to have to speak to her and put it on the line and potentially walk away to save us both from this vicious circle we where ensnared in.