A Love that was Lost.

Now some will say that Karma came back and hit me with full force and that I deserved it… which yes I did because of how I acted but that did not change the fact that with all my heart I knew “April” was special and I was not about to give up.

Days passed and the pain was unbearable a deep sense of loss loomed over me and a crushing weight rested on my chest breathing seemed an insurmountable task. I could see “April” with “Jay” acting the way she did with me and it cut deep and the worst part was the undisputable fact that it was my fault, she had been pushed away by me and all the love and feelings she had for me where placed onto the nearest person who gave her what I hadn’t reassurance, security, comfort and yet still each time I saw them she didn’t look at him the same way… I could see behind her eyes I could see into her and what I saw was more powerful, more acute even than the visions of memories past my memory accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope.

More time passed “April” had asked for space yet the way she looked at me and still spoke to me played on my mind which is what led me to my next course of action, I approached her farther “Kain”. While I was at work I could see a piercing stare from him and I knew the reason, I went and spoke to him and was met with hostility which I expected but I had to speak to him and the more I talked the more I could see him seeing that what I said I meant and that the simple undeniable fact was I was in love with “April” I had always respected “Kain” because he was straight with me but he gave me some perspective but I could see he didn’t really understand, I respected his words but I believe he knew that even if I had to go through him to be with her I would. I asked him not to mention this conversation with “April” as it was not my intention to try and sway her though him I only wanted to know where I stood because if she truly wanted to be with “Jay” and be happy that would be enough for me to let her go but my heart didn’t believe that for one second. 

I could feel myself changing more and more as each day went on I called on the assistance on the only man I will ever love my brother “Dante”. Speaking with him I was greeted with a look of disappointment which I expected, I explained as much as I could at that time but I could see from his perspective and he didn’t really understand. My Brother is a wise man and one of the only people who I would take a bullet for or trust me life with even though through this whole ordeal We have been distant because I needed to do this on my own. After his council I began to think more & more about everything and tried to put things down and move on but my heart just would not let go.

My mental state was fractured only those close to me could see it and I found friends in the most unlikely or people “Sophie”, “Mia” & “Bianca”. I was able to speak to them and gain different opinions and one thing I noticed was that “Sophie & Mia” understood and yet as supportive as “Bianca” was she just didn’t get it. I started to take time out from my day to sit and think and found myself just watching people old and you alike and what I noticed was people just settle they seem more concerned with being secure in terms of material things, this was a sad thing to see but on the rare occasion I would see a couple that had something more a look, a smile a presence that transcends everything else.

My feelings for “April” sounds have been subsiding but instead they became stronger because each time I saw her I knew I wanted nothing more. We began speaking more which led to her starting to open back up to me and I  began to understand more. I was at work and had finished and we both just happened to leave at the same time so I asked her for coffee, I could see her fighting inside herself and then gave me her answer “Yes”… I was taken back but we went for coffee.

We sat talking for hours and once again it seemed like minutes We began to talk about our situation and I asked if she was with “Jay” and her answer was no just friends, my heart screamed because I knew most people can’t be just friends but we are not together so I buried certain images deep down. I found myself opening up to “April” even more telling her things I never thought I would say to a person and mean it with all of my heart, I lent over and pulled her close and then looked her in her eyes… her beautiful eyes and said “April, you are so special and your not just another one of many… you are The One.” I could see she was taken back by this her eyes started to tear up and we held in an embrace for what seemed like hours even though it was only brief, We finished and parted company I could see she was fighting herself and hold back from kissing me I didn’t press the matter even though I could see it in her and she could see it in me.

I could feel my heart straining, reaching out for her but the time was not right her wounds were still to deep I had to keep fighting for her and nothing was going to stop me.

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