A Sinking Feeling

I’m back again, I find writing really helps ease things and keeps my brain from turning to mush I haven’t exactly made this blog easy to find but if you have come across it I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

More time passed and I could see “April” trying to get closer to “Jay” yet nothing was official it seemed just to be one of those “friends with benefits situations” I could see her doing small things for him and I wanted to let her go so that she could be happy if she truly was with him but something just didn’t feel right because she still looked at me in the same way. I struggled to try and piece together the broken shards of my mind to gain clarity but all I thought about was her.

I could see she was trying to forget me and that “Jay” was a welcome distraction because he gave her the attention that I had not, I noticed she would speak to me through the day on certain days and then not on others which said to me that is when she was with him. I started to go on a few dates just to try and distract my mind but each time I just could not see anything but “April” I have made some good friends from this but they will never be anything more than that.

I found myself in the company of “Sophie” and her friends on several wild nights out, I was also finding more excuses to go out and drink. I could see myself on a downward spiral but the helpful advice of an old friend “Julia” helped me see all I was doing was trying to numb the feelings and it even got to the point that that didn’t work, I pulled myself together and curbed the excess amount I was drinking. I sat one day with “Julia” and showed her a message I was going to send to “April” and it made her cry, I laid everything on the line all my feelings… everything.

Days went past and I then built up the courage and sent the message.

I had a reply from “April” I could see that she was torn between me and “Jay” all I wanted was a straight answer, each time I saw her while I was working there was an electric tension but also a harrowing sense of pain. Things where going to come to a head soon, I had laid everything down for her the first day she met me to say her feelings had changed all those weeks ago yet if that was true why would she still have that certain look for me…

I spoke more and more to her and I knew I was going to have to speak to her and put it on the line and potentially walk away to save us both from this vicious circle we where ensnared in.

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A Love that was Lost.

Now some will say that Karma came back and hit me with full force and that I deserved it… which yes I did because of how I acted but that did not change the fact that with all my heart I knew “April” was special and I was not about to give up.

Days passed and the pain was unbearable a deep sense of loss loomed over me and a crushing weight rested on my chest breathing seemed an insurmountable task. I could see “April” with “Jay” acting the way she did with me and it cut deep and the worst part was the undisputable fact that it was my fault, she had been pushed away by me and all the love and feelings she had for me where placed onto the nearest person who gave her what I hadn’t reassurance, security, comfort and yet still each time I saw them she didn’t look at him the same way… I could see behind her eyes I could see into her and what I saw was more powerful, more acute even than the visions of memories past my memory accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope.

More time passed “April” had asked for space yet the way she looked at me and still spoke to me played on my mind which is what led me to my next course of action, I approached her farther “Kain”. While I was at work I could see a piercing stare from him and I knew the reason, I went and spoke to him and was met with hostility which I expected but I had to speak to him and the more I talked the more I could see him seeing that what I said I meant and that the simple undeniable fact was I was in love with “April” I had always respected “Kain” because he was straight with me but he gave me some perspective but I could see he didn’t really understand, I respected his words but I believe he knew that even if I had to go through him to be with her I would. I asked him not to mention this conversation with “April” as it was not my intention to try and sway her though him I only wanted to know where I stood because if she truly wanted to be with “Jay” and be happy that would be enough for me to let her go but my heart didn’t believe that for one second. 

I could feel myself changing more and more as each day went on I called on the assistance on the only man I will ever love my brother “Dante”. Speaking with him I was greeted with a look of disappointment which I expected, I explained as much as I could at that time but I could see from his perspective and he didn’t really understand. My Brother is a wise man and one of the only people who I would take a bullet for or trust me life with even though through this whole ordeal We have been distant because I needed to do this on my own. After his council I began to think more & more about everything and tried to put things down and move on but my heart just would not let go.

My mental state was fractured only those close to me could see it and I found friends in the most unlikely or people “Sophie”, “Mia” & “Bianca”. I was able to speak to them and gain different opinions and one thing I noticed was that “Sophie & Mia” understood and yet as supportive as “Bianca” was she just didn’t get it. I started to take time out from my day to sit and think and found myself just watching people old and you alike and what I noticed was people just settle they seem more concerned with being secure in terms of material things, this was a sad thing to see but on the rare occasion I would see a couple that had something more a look, a smile a presence that transcends everything else.

My feelings for “April” sounds have been subsiding but instead they became stronger because each time I saw her I knew I wanted nothing more. We began speaking more which led to her starting to open back up to me and I  began to understand more. I was at work and had finished and we both just happened to leave at the same time so I asked her for coffee, I could see her fighting inside herself and then gave me her answer “Yes”… I was taken back but we went for coffee.

We sat talking for hours and once again it seemed like minutes We began to talk about our situation and I asked if she was with “Jay” and her answer was no just friends, my heart screamed because I knew most people can’t be just friends but we are not together so I buried certain images deep down. I found myself opening up to “April” even more telling her things I never thought I would say to a person and mean it with all of my heart, I lent over and pulled her close and then looked her in her eyes… her beautiful eyes and said “April, you are so special and your not just another one of many… you are The One.” I could see she was taken back by this her eyes started to tear up and we held in an embrace for what seemed like hours even though it was only brief, We finished and parted company I could see she was fighting herself and hold back from kissing me I didn’t press the matter even though I could see it in her and she could see it in me.

I could feel my heart straining, reaching out for her but the time was not right her wounds were still to deep I had to keep fighting for her and nothing was going to stop me.

Held Back

Everything has a way of coming full circle.

As time passed I was busy working between to different establishments and found myself only seeing “April” when we had time, We still spoke everyday in one way or another and she would say how she had made really good friends with “Jenny”, “Mike” & “Jay”. I had a horrid feeling in my gut about all their nights out even as friends despite the fact that everyone was with someone my gut told me to tell “April” how I truly felt and totally open up to her and yet me being a colossal idiot I didn’t.

I started to find that “April” was not speaking to me as much I tried to find every reason to see her but she always seemed busy, a harrowing feeling hit me that I had pushed her away because I was to stupid to tell her how I really felt. I knew that if I was to stand any chance of not losing her I needed to act fast. We finally agreed to me up after I had sent her a message saying I thought she was starting to lose her feelings for me and that I thought there was someone else.

We met and I totally opened up to to her but by her words I could tell it was to late. I had pushed her away by trying to take things slow and now come across as jealous or possessive, from what she said she thought I didn’t care or even love her…. this was far from the truth. We spend hours together and left on what can be described as a emotionless kiss, I realised how much I had hurt her by not being open and all this was because of fear of what she might think.. what other people might think. I had a sudden growth and clarity that made me realise it does not matter what anyone else thinks all that mattered was making her happy and by not telling her my true feelings I had caused her suffering.

I sat and looked at the sky that night with a thousand thoughts running through my head, I once heard that monsters are all that cause suffering and I had caused so much pain to “April” and also caused my own suffering.

Guys don’t be afraid of your feelings. I was and now I was going to have to fight hard for “April” because out of everything I had changed and she was the reason.

I can’t see a future without her in it.