Unexpected Feelings

Didn’t think writing a blog would help ease the fractured thoughts running through my head. So I’m sure you can guess where this story is going to end but let me continue.

After a chance encounter and then spending a morning together i found myself becoming friends with “April” which turned in to random chats about silly things with no real meaning yet somehow time seemed to become irrelevant and hours began to pass like minutes. My life in general was pretty good I can’t lie “Kat” & I where happy and had a great group of friends, one day I was talking to my brother “Dante” the conversation somehow moved into the realms of him asking me “is Kat the one?” I hesitated but answered with “what makes you say that?” he passed comment that I seemed different I was not too sure what he meant by that but apparently I had been happier.

I started to think about how amazing “Kat” was and was talking to him about her and possibilities for the future, yet all the time I was talking to him I had a stirring thought in the back of my mind. Life progressed on and things stayed the same, I started to find myself thinking about when I would get more serious with “Kat” but something was missing and I could not place my finger on it because she was what someone called “a good choice for me” more weeks passed and I found myself talking to “April” outside of work more and more.

It soon became the summer and a chance to lay about in the sun and relax as my work quietened down. One day I was chatting to “April” and I suggested we go for a chat & chill in the local park since it was very sunny, we got there and spent close to half the day sat in the sun chatting and laughing, I had not felt this comfortable with a person before it was almost like she knew me in a different way to anyone else. I remember the dress she had on, it was a light pink with hearts on it and without thinking is told her she looked beautiful and out of nowhere our eyes locked. I have never had anyone look at me in such a way it was like she could see past all the barriers and front I had put up to keep people out, We say silent for what could have been 5 seconds or 5 minutes I generally don’t know how long it was because everything else seemed to stop around us.
We continued chatting and then I had to go so we go up and I walked her back to her car where I gave a hug and we went our separate ways.

The thoughts of that day resided in my head all night, even while I was with “Kat” I again put it down to the fact that we got on so well, that evening I was at a party chatting to some old friends I had not seen in a long time and both of them said “this girl must be special, you have a look in your eye” now apart from me giving them a look that can only be described as a face palm without the hand I thought they were right.
The next day I saw “Dante” and had a talk with him and was stopped in my tracks mid conversation when he said “Who’s April?” I had apparently mentioned her several times and kept taking the conversation towards her. He offered me this advice “she sounds like a nice girl but it seems you have been spending a lot of time with her. The way you say her name says you think more of her than a friend” I looked at him and laughed and told him with no uncertainty “she is really nice but she is not Kat” I won’t forget the way he looked at me with a sultry look of fear.

More time passed and yes I spent more time with “April” and even when I was not with her I started to find her in my thoughts more and more. I would receive messages from her and open them before any other, I could not tell you what it was that made her occupy my mind on such a constant basis. It started to occur to me that I was developing feelings for her…. or so I thought, When I looked back through the messages I had not begun to develop feelings for her I already had them but I knew nothing could happen because I was with “Kat” I had not told her I was with someone.

One day while speaking to mutual friends we had I mentioned I was with someone knowing full well “April” would find out so that this would stop any possibility of things going any further, why didn’t I tell her myself? If I am totally honest it was because I didn’t want to as I thought if she knew she would not want to spend as much time with me or even be such a close friend.

I was a coward, I had not lied to anyone but I could not deny the feeling that “April” was something special.

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Time to open up.

This is my first blog, not sure what really prompted me to write one… well I do its because my hand writing is like a 3 legged spider and writing a diary would be futile because even I would not be able to read it. I guess sometimes we all need to stop holding everything back and let it all out (yes I have gone a little crazy recently) so I hope that who ever reads this or how ever many posts I get around to writing will take away something that it has taken me years to learn and not miss an opportunity that only comes around once in a life time.

 

Where do I start.. from the beginning would be useful if I think about it.

I am what you could call an emotional recluse, I have never really been one to talk about my feelings and how I really feel about people. I have had a couple of longer term relationships where I “loved” my partner but there was always something missing and the worst thing is I knew it… I know what an asshole. I was never able to open up to anyone because I had a deep feeling that I would always be looking for something more and didn’t want to just settle, I wanted “it” I had met someone along time ago.. if I think about it and she was almost perfect I thought I was in love for along time but I even with her and how close we where I still didn’t open up.

You hear people say “you will know” I was always sceptical about this because well it hadn’t happened to me yet and only now after almost 3 decades do I understand that saying. Let me tell you what they say is true “you will know” you cannot really describe it in words the feeling is something so much deeper than words, for me it was a look I was able to look into her eyes and feel at peace and that I was complete. I am getting ahead of myself though so back to the start.

as I said I have had some long ish term relationships and there was something missing, then I met a girl who was intelligent, funny, beautiful, caring, empathetic & she loved me more than I deserved we shall call her “Kat”.

Kat she had come from a very hard life filled with trials & tests that had left her with little faith in the male species and was looking for that special person who she could love with all her heart. We met in a random encounter in a gym I was talking  for near on an hour about lots of random things and the more I learnt about her the more I wanted to know so I asked her out for dinner, she looked shocked and her reply was “say that again?!” and we arranged to meet that weekend.

I’m sure you can picture where the rest of this part of the story goes, after our first date we quickly grew close and starting seeing each other. I started to tell her things I had not told other people like how I was very badly hurt by someone in my past hence the reason for being an emotional recluse.

I started to think could this girl be something more?

I was then given a choice to stay at home over a weekend or take a trip away with her because she had to go back home, After I was asked to come with her I hesitated and thought “could this be a turning point for me” so I went with her and met her family, friend, see her home where she spent many years of her life and had a great weekend with her, Amongst all of this I felt pretty happy for once.

As the weekend was coming to an end I remember being sat in the car with “Kat” eating ice cream (love the stuff) we where having a fairly deep conversation about things and in specific one of my Ex’s ok the one that really badly hurt me anyway and If I was totally over her and I remember saying these exact words “I really want it to be you”…. As I write those I should have known to have saved this amazing girl from being with me and stayed friends. This is not what happened, we started dating and soon found ourselves in a  relationship and if I’m Honest we where happy.

Days turned into weeks & weeks into months it seemed life was moving forwards and I started to think to myself I can see my self with this girl. I started to try and picture a future because “Kat” had totally fallen in love with me, I had started working at a new establishment and was making a good run with making new business. One day I had was talking to a new potential business client her name was “April” and we then parted company after a good chat, there was something after my chat with her that left a smile on my face… strange I thought.

A couple of weeks later “April” happened to use my services and we ended up spending a large chunk of time together over one day where we talked about a lot and found out we had a fair bit in common which is Always nice when working with new people. There was just something about this meeting her again left me with a smile on my face but I continued with life as normal chalking it up to the fact of “She is just really nice, and we have a lot in common”. I go home to “Kat” and that night we go out and have an amazing night and just before I fall asleep I hear these words “that’s a nice smile, I’ve not seen you smile like that before”.

What smile I thought to myself not really noticing, It then dawned on me I was thinking about my chat with “April”.